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Jem

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About Jem

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  1. Jem

    Family Forum

    Sorry James I'll consider myself well and truly chastised and will try not to offend again Cheers Jem P.S... Bet you read them all before you deleted it though
  2. I still can't get to work so here's another bit of reading for everyone... Britain's funniest joke was named yesterday by scientists investigating the psychology of laughter. A total of 100,000 people were invited both to submit and rate jokes as part of a huge experiment called Laughlab. From a collection of 10,000, a joke about Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson emerged the winner, with a top rating from 47 per cent of those taking part. The joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa, from Blackpool, goes like this: Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent." The experiment, devised by Richard Wiseman from the University of Hertfordshire, also identified Britain's worst jokes, and discovered what men, women, and people of different nationalities find funny. One surprising result was that out of 11 nationalities, Germans rated more jokes "very funny" than anyone else. Canada was at the bottom of the list, and Britain in seventh place. Being easily amused is not the same as having a good sense of humour, however. One of the favourite jokes in Germany was: "Why is television called a medium? Because it is neither rare nor well-done." Two chicken jokes were awarded the lowest ratings by 74 per cent of people taking part. One was the joke known to every child: "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side." The other was: "Why are chickens considered good employees? Because they work around the cluck." Big differences emerged between the jokes most favoured by men and women. Top male jokes involved aggression, putting women down, and sexual innuendo, said Dr Wiseman. An example of a male joke was: "A guy walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist said, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts'." Women, on the other hand, preferred jokes involving word play, such as: "A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman, 'A pint for me, and one for the road'." Dr Wiseman said: "These findings reflect fundamental differences in the ways in which males and females use humour. Males use humour to appear superior to others, while women are more linguistically skilled and prefer word-puns." The experiment also examined whether a suitably programmed computer could be funny. It seems generally not - four of five computer-generated jokes fared very badly. But one computer pun did quite well, beating more than 300 human jokes with this offering: "What kind of murderer has fibre? A cereal killer." Laughlab, organised in conjunction with the British Association for the Advancement of Science, is the largest experiment of its kind. Volunteers were asked to log on to an Internet site where they could rate jokes and add their own. The study was launched in September at the BA Science Festival in Glasgow and will conclude in September next year. Other jokes rated as supremely funny in different countries were: France - "You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?" "Absolutely! What's the second question?" Belgium - "Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't." (That reminds me of the one... There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't) Sweden - "A guy phones the local hospital and yells, 'You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!' The nurse says, 'Calm down. Is this her first child?' He replies, 'No! This is her husband!' Canada: "What do you call a woman who can balance four pints of beer on her head? Beatrix." And The Age submits the Victorian version: "What do you call a woman who can balance four pots of beer on her head? Beatrix Potter." Cheers Jem
  3. I can see now that it's going to become a full time job keeping this thread near the top of the list! What about making it a 'sticky' so that anytime someone needs cheering up they can easily find the thread and have a chuckle? Anyway here's another one from the archives to bump the thread back up again. Incidentally, if anyone wonders why i'm here in the daytime it's because the M1 is closed between J37 & J 36 this morning due to someone apparently jumping off a bridge, perhaps they should have read the thread and cheered themselves up a bit - very sad that someone couldn't face life anymore, ah well. Here's the joke, but somehow after the above it doesn't seem quite as funny as it did. Have a smile on me before you read it A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" Eating chocolate, now there's a thing - has anyone had some of those chocolate orange balls that crackle in your mouth - weird or what? Cheers' Jem
  4. Not a problem Clare, glad to be of service and as long as everyone's happy that's all that matters Cheers Jem
  5. Moi, a gentleman... Why thank you
  6. I noticed this thread was working its way down the list so I thought i'd just refresh it a bit An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?" A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal. This one will show the oldies amongst us... A bird is nesting in a tree overlooking a field of cows. The cows are shaking like leaves and collapsing to the ground every time they bend down to nibble some grass. The bird says to the resident bull "What's up with your ladies then? Why do they collapse whenever they try to eat grass?" The bull replies "Mad cow disease", then, shaking and twitching, he bends down and with a great deal of effort eats some grass before straightening up again. The bird says "How come you haven't got it then? You seem to be able to bend down okay" The bull says "Ah, we bulls wobble but we don't fall down" There is this bear, right, and he walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Can I have a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic Please?" The Barman replies "Yeah sure, but what's with the big pause?" (paws...geddit???) A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of your best" he says to the bar man. Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies. "Do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I've got one `ere." Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk." "Doctor, Doctor I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual." A bloke walks into a his mates fancy dress party, wearing normal clothes and his girlfriend on his back... "What have you come as?" asks the bemused host. "I'm a tortoise" says the bloke. "This", he says pointing to his girlfriend, "Is Michelle." Hope you liked 'em Cheers Jem
  7. Can I just say i'm sorry for the humour in my last posting . It was never my intention to take the P*** out of the weaker, sorry I mean fairer sex I will now write out 100 times... I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on I will be a good boy from now on etc. etc... Sorry ladies, you know I don't really mean it. Cheers Jem
  8. I've changed the background on my Avatar to a nice shade of blue (for boys etc.) Hope this clears any confusion between mine and Clare*s Avatars. I thought i'd better do it as it's obviously far too complicated for a woman Oh dear, I guess that's done it now Cheers Jem
  9. What colour background would you prefer Clare*? Let me know and i'm sure I can change it for you. If you're happy with it as it is then that's fine Jem
  10. What is it that Clare* wants to change?
  11. Tsk, Women eh! Don't you just love 'em Course I don't mind, you keep it if you want to. Hope you don't mind if I keep it too though as i've grown rather fond of it. Cheers Jem P.S> Lesley, I'm still here, it's just been a bit of a busy time for me. In the words of Arnie...."i'll be back"
  12. Hi All I've just been catching up on some of the postings as I haven't had a chance to get to the forum for a while - did you miss me? Someone sent me this in an email and I thought it may be worth sharing, it just proves how we can jump to the wrong conclusions sometimes. I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that it's ficticious (is that spelt correctly?) but nevertheless it does provoke thought. The story goes that some time ago as Christmas was aproaching a mother punished her 5 year old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive wrapping paper. Money was tight and she became even more upset when the child used the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her mother the next morning and said, "This is for you, Mommy." The mother was embarrassed by her earlier over reaction, but her anger flared again when she opened the box and found it was empty. She spoke to her daughter in a harsh manner. "Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package?" She had tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Mommy, it's not empty! I blew kisses into it until it was full." The mother was crushed. She fell on her knees and put her arms around her little girl, and she begged her forgiveness for her thoughtless anger. An accident took the life of the child only a short time later, and it is told that the mother kept that gold box by her bed for all the years of her life. Whenever she was discouraged or faced difficult problems she would open the box and take out an imaginary Kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense, each of us, as human beings, have been given a Golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, friends and God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold. Awwwwww isn't that nice in a sad sort of way? Cheers Jem (just a big softie really)
  13. Just rec'd this email from a pal... A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed to: "Mum." With a real feeling of foreboding, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mum, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this, but I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice - even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, Mum; I'm pregnant, and John said that we will be very happy. He already has a camper van to live in - we've found a really nice secluded spot in the woods and have a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. You'll be glad to know that John's taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone - he's so industrious Mum, he's worked out a plan where we'll be growing it and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine, ecstasy and food that we need. In the meantime, we're hoping that science will find a cure for HIV so John can get better as he really deserves to - he's such a good person and he's been attending his parole meetings and rage management sessions regularly now. I know you'll worry when you read this, but please try not to - I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself - I'm confident that even if John doesn't get through the HIV and Hepatitis C, I'll be able to take care of our children myself and will bring them over regularly to visit you and Dad. I love you both and hope you wish me well. Your daughter, Catherine PS : Mum, none of the above is true - I'm at Jen's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my school report (I've left it in my desk drawer). Call me when it's safe to come home - I love you! ...Phew, Being the father of two daughters I bet that was a relief Jem
  14. O.K., so up to now i've tried to resist jokes that could be considered bad taste to others less fortunate than I But I saw the Dis.. Err....Dysles..Hmm... Dyspeps... Hang on a minute.... Dyslexic!! Joke and couldn't resist this one. Did you hear about the Dyslexic who walked into a Bra? Or The Dyslexic who accidentally bought a whorehouse? Jem

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