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Ain't Nobody Here

My mother - I've officially had enough

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Thanks ANH - actually I think you ought to swap notes with my neighbour - her mum has been doing similar things too. The hospital couldn't wait to get her home because she upset other patients and told them that her daughter was so selfish that she never looked after her. Luckily they knew the truth. She vets her mum's phone calls now - sometimes there are so many complaints followed by "I know you can hear me, you are so mean to me". When she goes on holiday her mum constantly leaves messages on the phone on the day she returns from early in the morning until she arrives home and calls back - she now adds a few days on so that she can have a few days of peace. It's all emotional blackmail for attention and they want you to feel guilty. I remember my grandfather always saying to my mum "I'm not long for this world" - then went on to live until he was 94! She always got upset by him too. So it must be something that older people do - someone euthenase me before I get like it! :shock:

 

Mrs B - I think you will have to add on an extra wish for good weather, otherwise ANH might get blown away!

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Just had a visit from my brother who spent the w/e with mum (lucky him :? ). Usual negative ramblings from her but nothing too bad about me apart from a comment about my birth mum being in a home (I'm still not telling her she died in Sept). She apparently said to him last week "I wonder if V is back from camp. I hope she doesn't phone." I granted that wish so haven't spoken to her since the "I don't want to talk to you..." episode.

 

She did ask him to phone me and see how I was (he doesn't let on he comes to see me a couple of times during the weekends he's with her) so he asked if I wanted to see her for lunch or something. I said no. I just know if I see her again it'll just go in the same cycle as it always does and I just can't face it.

 

I feel (a bit) guilty but a comment he made has made me feel better. He said if she'd treated him the way she treats me, he'd have dropped her by now. He thinks she is nice(ish) to him because she knows he'll walk away. Well now I've walked away so she'd better be nice to him or she really will be alone.

 

I don't feel happy about it because it's always on my mind but at least I'm avoiding the inevitable arguments and rantings.

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I think it will take time, but you will feel easier about it as time goes on. Having read your posts you seem to have put up with an awful lot, and you have no choice (for your own sake and that of your family) but to cut her off.

 

Look forward and draw strenhth from what your brother thinks - he knows how its been and he thinks you've acted rightly, so believe him !

 

 

best wishes

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Hi Vicki,

 

It really does get easier with time and you will feel less guilty.

I didn't see my adoptive mother for 12 years....and then I attended her funeral! I have never cried over her death but she caused plenty of tears when she was alive!

Naturally she left everthing to my little brother (her natural son). Only regret is my kids missed out on a grandparent.

 

Jackiex

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I'm so sorry it has come to this for all your sakes but I think you may be right to distance yourself. Short term or long term. Whichever you feel happiest with.

 

My mum is putting up with a similar scenario. We lost my grandad 2 years ago and only then realised my nans state of mind and how much he'd been dealing with. We're not doing the official tests as it'd confuse her more but she has dementia. Which is fine to a point. We can handle the reppetative questions and confusion (It can be wearing sometimes though) but what upsets my mum the most is when she lays on the guilt trips. My mum is always 'at her beck and call' and to a point would do anything for her - she's her mum, she loves her. But she never calls her son (my uncle) to help. He lives 2mins away (Mum about 30 minutes). Mum gets the calls in the night, and 'can she come to stay for dinner' calls, the 'you're never here' calls, 'you don't understand'. Often hung up on. My uncle had always been her favourite. When my mum asks why she couldn't get Bruce round to sort something it's "Oh I can't bother HIM" (But it's ok to bother me 24-7?) It's almost like time she spends with Bruce is 'precious' and time with my mum 'doesn't matter - she's always there'

 

And then you feel guilty for thinking such things.

 

Hope things sort themselves out. *hugs*

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Absence makes the heart grow fonder . . . or so they say. Stick to your guns it may change things for the better. Try not to feel guilty - while you are getting the updates you are sort of checking on her from a safe distance.

Stoice tell your mum to look on the bright side - she doesn't follow your mum to the toilet and wait there until she comes out, like my grandad did to my mum! :shock:

What is it about the mum's losing it?

Brother has just become a dad, but we haven't yet seen the baby born last Tuesday. Apparently he wanted his wife to settle down at home before we go to visit - which is what she told OH. When I called her to ask why she had been snubbed (other grandparents are there all the time - even on the first day in hospital) she said it was her suggestion. So here is me thinking evil thoughts about what I'd like to say to li'l bro, and here is mum spinning different tales. Goodness knows what she's said to him about me. :roll:

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Stoice tell your mum to look on the bright side - she doesn't follow your mum to the toilet and wait there until she comes out, like my grandad did to my mum!

 

No, but she always asks if anyone is in the loo in front of my mum, dad and brother when they're the only ones living there. And I won't even go there about what she did about measuring her wee for the incontinence nurse. :roll:

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ANH, I do feel for you. When I see an update on this subject, I'm always keen to read it, hoping that your mother has finally taken her head from her derriere and seen what you mean to her. Each time I read almost the same from you, that she treats you badly and says awful things. :(

 

A neighbour of mine appears to be suffering a bit in the way you do. Her mother is housebound without her, (her mum lives next door to us and she lives about 10 mins away). Neighbour visits twice a day to see her mum, takes her out for doctors, hairdresser, lunch, hospital, you name it. However, when we speak to the old lady (aged 87), she moans constantly about our neighbour, her kids and her husband, all manner of things. Lady has 2 other children, a son that she sees when he needs some money and a daughter in Australia. These 2 children cant do anything wrong, they are great, they are a success but she just cant seem to find anything good to say about a daughter that visits her twice a day, every day and acts as a full time carer! :wall: Why is that?!

 

I think the phrase: 'Familiarity breeds contempt' is the best line in this case! You are a good person, despite what your mother would have you believe and I dont even know you! You're doing the right thing by keeping away from her, for yours and your family's sanity. :clap:

 

Kimmy

x

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It will be 8 weeks on Friday since I saw or spoke to my mother. It's been the most relaxing 8 weeks I've had for almost a year.

 

Tonight, however, we've found out that she's gone into hospital. Again. Phoned my brother complaining that her chest hurt and she'd called the doctor who hadn't arrived. My brother had to phone NHS 24 to find out what had happened, despite leaving his numbers with them :roll: .

 

She's on the assessment ward, her heart's fine but she's "feeling a bit low" according to the nurse. She thinks a psychiatrist might speak to her tomorrow but if they think she's fit she'll be home tomorrow.

 

Here we go once again.

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ANH, I always read your updates with interest and think you are incredibly strong to go through what you are going through with your mother. I have scanned the thread but I can't find the answer, does she alzheimers or something similar? Or did she just turn out like this one day?

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Likewise - chin up there. Had a long talk with my brother - sounds as though he has been getting a bit of the treatment too. Fortunately our mum seems to have settled into a good mood for a while.

Perhaps your mum is feeling a bit down because she hasn't been able to get to you, maybe she will appreciate you more now - well, we can but hope.

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Stay strong ANH. If you want to check on your mum, do it in your own time, don't go running. My grandma realised that illness gave her a power over my Aunty and the rest of my family and used it (even faked it sometimes) to keep them dancing to her tune. remember how far you'v come in the last 8 weeks and how good it's felt.

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