Warm boot recommendations please

[stoice]

 

Had some horrible news last night from my friends husband.

Title says it all really.

I didn't even know she was pregnant as her husband told me they were planning on telling everyone at her 30th birthday meal in two weeks time (This would've been her 12th week).

She'd had some spotting a few weeks ago but things were fine. they brought her scan forward though. No heartbeat.

The abortion procedure didn't go too well either, she's in so much pain last night she's on morphine. Hopefully being discharged sometime this afternoon though.

I'm so desperately sad for her.

 

I don't know what to say. What can you say? Apart from being there for her and her husband at this horrible time I don't really know what to do. Are flowers appropriate? And a card?

 

Just a little advise please omletters, I feel like I'm a little out of my depth here but I so want everything to be ok.

[Mutrix Farmers]

What sad news.

 

I think flowers and a card are appropriate. They both need to know they have friends to whom they can turn when they just want to talk, cry, be quiet or be diverted from their sorrow. Saying nothing is the worst thing you could do because it conveys the message that you don't care.

[Cinnamon]

Well, almost exactly the same thing happened to me about 8 years ago. I too had a scan at 12 weeks after some spotting & found that there was no heartbeat. I then had to wait 2 weeks before they could do a clear out (ERPC I think its called).

 

I really needed my friends at that time, & really wanted just their kindness & company rather than flowers to be honest. Just be there for your friend, she will really appreciate that. And remember that she will take time in getting back to normal, both physically & emotionally, so may need you to lean on for a while

[chickencam]

A similar thing happened to me at 13 weeks and she will just beed to know that you care and that she can talk to you anytime without awkwardness.

[Mrs Frugal]

My friend lost a baby a few years ago when it was stillborn so I know how lost for words you must be feeling and how difficult it is to know what to do to show her that you're there for her. I do remember my friend saying that she was upset to have flowers though as every time she looked at them, they reminded her that she'd lost her baby. That may just be the way my friend thinks though. As Sarah's said, perhaps just being there as a friend and giving her a hug and letting her talk about it would be better than any card or gift and that is also something that will last long after flowers die and cards are put away.

[The Dogmother]

What terrible news. This happened to a friend of mine too, she was paralysed by grief, so I helped out by popping round with a stew in a hotpot and did their laundry.

 

Just ask what you can do to help - even little things mean so much.

[Guest]

I've lost two babies and had to have ERPCs.

I was really, really worried that people would send flowers. I absolutely did not want them for exactly the reason that Kate said. Flowers are what you get when you have a baby, loads of them all looking beautiful and smelling lovely.

 

It's very sad to lose a baby. Your friend needs time to recover both physically and emotionally. I am concerned that she is in so much pain she's on morphine. That doesn't sound right at all.

[poachedegg]

I have another view on this. I had a miscarriage 11 years ago at 16 weeks - and for a little while (a good few days), I didn't want to see anybody, so flowers or a note to say when they're ready, you are there for them.

 

Obviously you know your friend better than we do, just thought I'd let you know my experience.

 

ETA I hardly talk about it, but I've just had a little weep after typing this reply - you don't realise how things still affect you and yet to be honest in our busy life, I don't think about it frequently. (Just shows how good this forum is, because I would never have told somebody about that either!!)

[Cinnamon]

Me too Poachedegg

It just goes to show that even after years, & even though you may not really dwell on the miscarriage or the child that may have been, you never really forget, do you?

[stoice]

Thankyou for your kind replies. I'm just so sorry some of them had to be through your own personal loss.

 

I was worried about giving her flowers for the very reasons mentioned above. Wanting to 'do' something, showing I'm thinking of her, without reminding her constantly of what's happened, or by trying to ignore the issue and hurry her along. I'm going to pop round as soon as she's well enough for a big hug and just to be there really. But then I'm also worried that I'd pestering her when all she really wants is to be alone.

 

Ginette - not sure of the exact particulars but her husband mentioned it was her muscles reacting to the medication they gave her for contractions after they had been operated on or something - is that right? He said she described it like being stabbed. Doesn't sound nice either way.

[Guest]

I hope the pains wear off soon then. Sounds horrible. And just so insulting after all she's been through.

 

I hope you are close enough to be able to honest answers. You could phone her on the days you don't visit - or email which is even less intrusive. People can be too sad to ask for help or company, so it is up to you to be there and pick up signs that she enjoys your visits.

 

She is not alone, there are lots of us here and lots of women all over the world who still grieve for their lost babies. Whatever she is feeling or thinking, someone else has felt and thought the same. She'll need to talk eventually.

[Willow]

I think a note/card but not flowers and be sensitive to what your friend needs. Be prepared for her to be upset for a long time.

 

But do acknowledge the loss, I found it very upsetting that friends didn't seem to want to know when it happened to me. Obviously they didn't know what to say so said nothing but that isn't how it felt at the time.

 

I'd also be careful about what words you use. Whilst I would defend a womans right to have access to an abortion I was very distressed that my medical records didn't distinguish between the ERPC they do to make sure nothing has been left behind after a m/c and an elective abortion and as a consequence I didn't see any medical staff after my next m/c (not smart as there may have been complications )

 

Different aspects upset women in different ways and it will be difficult to predict what might be your friends triggers.

 

But even years later thinking about it brings it all rushing back

[feemcg]

I'm afraid that's not the medical staff's fault......every diagnosis and procedure has a 'read code' to be recorded on the GPass system, and for miscarriage it's complete/incomplete/spontaneous abortion.

[Egluntyne]

Sorry to hear it.

[Tiggy]

Im sure your friend will be glad to know that you are thinking of her, like may others I know how it feels to lose a baby you feel that your world is coming to an end, its a time when you need the support of those close to you, you will know you friend better than us so I'm sure you will do the right thing

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I'm so sorry to hear about your poor friend . I'm sure you'll know the right thing to do when the time comes. You sound like a lovely friend.

[Lydia]

Years ago I saw a programme on miscarriage and one woman said "If you just don't know what to say, just say "I'm sorry"".

 

My own miscarriage was nearly 12 years ago and the best thing one friend did was simply to be there when I needed her.

 

At the moment I'd say your friend was physically hurting but the real emotional stuff will come later - it took me 2 years to stop thinking about it every day and I didn't even want to be pregnant at the time. To this day I am always quiet and reflective on the anniversary and around the time that, had I not miscarried, I would have given birth.

 

I echo what Patrica said about choosing your words. Among the more unhelpful comments I received were "perhaps it was for the best", "why are you so upset, you can always try again?" and the age old "plenty more fish in the sea eh!!" (the last one from my mother!)

 

And people are absolutely right - it never leaves you and I am sat here welling up typing this. But she really is not alone - I believe the stats are still around a quarter of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

 

Bottom line - be there and just listen to her when she wants to talk.

[Fourbecameeight]

My friend lost her baby last year. I to wanted to do something, so I sent a card and a SIDS Forget me knot necklace. It is a small polyclay forget me not flower with a crystal hanging below and some money was also given to SIDS. She still wears it every day and i am so pleased I got it for her, it just seemed right.

[chelsea]

I have another view on this. I had a miscarriage 11 years ago at 16 weeks - and for a little while (a good few days), I didn't want to see anybody

 

 

I was the same, I've had 2 miscarriages and I did not want to talk to anyone over the phone or see anyone face to face, I kind of hid myself away.

 

Sorry to hear about your friend, its very hard.

[Looney]

So sorry to hear about your friend. I think as others have said, just being there, will make a difference to her. You are obviously a good, kind friend.

 

A friend of mine had a miscarriage, although I didn't know about it for a couple of months and she asked a mutual friend to tell me....made it awkward to know what to say / how to say it but I wanted to say something. In the end I said how sorry I was and that I was on the end of a phone should she want to talk. She's due her first baby in just over a month

[Lesley]

So sorry to hear that.

 

It's 36 years since I had a m/c and I still think about it occasionally. I was pregnant with my second not long afterwards but I still wonder.........

 

A card saying you'll be there whenever she needs to talk is a good idea.

[TheGirlsMum]

A card to say you are there to listen would probably be appreciated.

 

I felt as though no one cared because they thought Oh well, they weren't real, but they were certainly real to me. I had a fantatic midwife who used to just call in and say she'd come for a cup of tea she was a fantastic listener.

 

I did find it hard being made to wait in the exact same seats for the scans for my fllowing daughter.

 

Your obviously a very good frien wanting to know what to do.

[A chickychickychick-ENN!!]

Very very sad. There is some sound advice on this thread.

 

If she needs anything practical, it may be worth making a note of the following sites:

 

http://www.careconfidential.com/Services/Miscarriage.aspx

 

http://www.tommys.org/Page.aspx?pid=298

 

I'd be mindful about offering info about support organisations right off the bat though.

 

It's good you care and she will appreciate that.

[BeckyBoo]

Just to say I'm so sorry for your friend. I'm one of the lucky ones who has never had to go through this so I can't offer any experience as to what to say or do, but I always felt it was better to say or do something and get it slightly wrong but have the best of intentions than to say and do nothing.

 

I so hope that the physical pain goes quickly and that your friend, and her husband who has lost a baby too, can start on the road to healing. I remember reading an article in a paper once from a Dad whos partner had lost a baby, saying he felt almost overlooked as everyone flocked to be with the woman, which I think is just so sad.

 

BeckyBoo

[Minnie the Moocher]

How sad for her.

 

And how lucky she is to have such a thoughtful friend.