Chicken Memorials

[Mrs Frugal]

Aaaargh !!!

[Steph]

Sorry i'll save some till tomorow

 

 

[Jangle]

This was sent to me by somebody at work, so I disclaim all responsibility:

 

There are 3 balloons, mummy, daddy and baby balloon. Every night the

baby balloon sneaks in to the parents bed and goes to sleep in between

them. Anyway it comes to the time when the parents have had enough and

tell the now young balloon that enough is enough and he has to promise

to stay in his own room. The young balloon regrettably agrees to this

and goes to his room.

 

When night comes he sneaks into his parents room and tries to get in

the middle like usual but his parents have spread

out and there's no room, so he thinks I know if I let some air out of

my Dad then I should get in......so he lets some air out of his Dad and

tries again, still he wont fit, so he thinks I'll let some air out of

Mum, does so and he still cant quite fit, so he then decides to let some

air out of himself and squeezes in and has a fantastic warm sleep.

 

 

In the morning Daddy balloon wakes up and is infuriated and asks his

son why he has broken his promise and the son replies that he cant sleep

in his room, the father sighs resignedly and says do you realise what

you have done?.....well do you?............

...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wait for it.....................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

.............................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You've let me down, you've let your Mum down, and worst of all you've

let yourself down !!!!!

[Lesley]

I like that one Janet

[Steve Stone]

Thanks Jangle, that really made me laugh

 

 

Here's one.

 

 

A mushroom goes to a nightclub and looks round for someone to make friends with. After finding no-one he goes to the bar, orders a drink and then stands leaning against the wall, looking a bit sorry for himself.

 

After half an hour has gone past a bouncer takes the mushroom outside. "You can't stay here, you're too miserable. This place is for people to have fun!".

 

 

The mushroom says "Oh come on, you don't understand, I'm a good funghi!"

 

 

Steve.

[Lesley]

groan!

[Popcorn]

CLASSES FOR MEN

 

ALL ARE WELCOME

 

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

 

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

 

Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY

Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

 

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

 

DAY TWO

 

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

 

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

 

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

 

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

 

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

 

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

 

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

 

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

[Cate in NZ]

I like that Gina

Now, how do I go about enrolling him on it

[Popcorn]

[Jem]

Hmmm....

 

I do hope that this isn't going to degrade into a men Vs Ladies thing, do you really know what you're starting

 

You'll notice that in all my previous 'jokes'(?) that I had refrained from anything even slightly Chauvinistic - Does this mean that the gloves are off

 

Here's one designed to just test the water...

 

Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

A. So they can stand closer to the sink

 

I realise that I am vastly outnumbered by the fairer sex on this BBS, however, i'm sure there are a few other of us menfolk prepared to stand our ground if necessary

 

Cheers

 

Jem

[Mel (& Paul)]

Gosh

Arent you brave.

Do you think you'll be safe when you go to sleep tonight?????

 

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom.

 

Two

 

But only if you slice them really thinly.

[Jem]

Ahah... I was sort of hoping that someone would reply as I really wanted to post this one

 

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

 

Oh dear... I've really opened up a can of worms here haven't I Errr, no offence meant, honest

 

Cheers

 

Jem

[Mel (& Paul)]

WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN

 

HE: Can I buy you a drink?

SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

 

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.

SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

 

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I must've been given your share.

 

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

 

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.

SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

 

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.

SHE: Okay, get out.

 

HE: I think I could make you very happy.

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

[Jem]

To all women,

On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:

· The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

· Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

· When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

· When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

· If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

· If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

· If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.

· I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

· Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

· Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.

· If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.

· I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

· Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

Thank you for your understanding,

From all men.

 

 

Touche

[Mel (& Paul)]

Back at you!!!!!!

 

 

 

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

 

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre..

 

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

 

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

 

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

 

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

 

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

 

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

 

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

 

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

 

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

 

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[Jem]

Oh heck.... At this rate i'm going to run out - Where's all the blokes??? Any fellas out there, I need Help quickly Pleeeeese...

 

O.K. you asked for it

 

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?

A women who won't do what she's told. ...

 

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

 

 

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

 

 

... Quickly covers head with arms and dives under table awaiting fallout

 

It's all done in the best Posssssible taste

 

Cheers

 

Jem

[Mel (& Paul)]

Jem, Jem, Jem

I would have thought you would have learnt by now..............

 

 

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

 

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

 

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all

up there.

 

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

 

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

 

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you

can tell them apart.

 

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to

make some woman miserable.

 

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself

types.

 

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for

it.

 

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

 

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

 

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even

in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

 

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque

books.

 

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it

means that you laugh at his

[Jem]

Aaaarrrgh.... Enough, enough

 

I concede defeat (for now) Where were all the other blokes when I needed them

 

I'm afraid I'm suffering from mental block and without resorting to the internet i'm out of ammo - Ah well, I reckon I put up a brave fight.

" The man who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day, etc."

 

In the words of Arnie 'i'll be back'

 

Jem

[Mel (& Paul)]

Aaaarrrgh.... Enough, enough

 

I concede defeat (for now) Where were all the other blokes when I needed them

 

I'm afraid I'm suffering from mental block and without resorting to the internet i'm out of ammo - Ah well, I reckon I put up a brave fight.

" The man who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day, etc."

 

In the words of Arnie 'i'll be back'

 

Jem

 

 

 

I'll be waiting!

By the way I dont think you are chauvenist really are you Jem? and I'm not a complete feminist - so hopefully we haven't offended anyone with our "anti" women and men jokes!

[Popcorn]

Oh dear..I didn't mean to start war of the sexes...but Mel, you did us proud!

[Lesley]

I just enjoyed then whole lot

[Popcorn]

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,

then onto a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained

for that.

 

[Sheilaz]

This is a great thread

Decided to amuse my son & girlfriend when giving them a lift by repeating something funny I'd heard from a comedian on the radio....went down like...........er...lead balloon? My son was cringeing the whole time apparently.

 

So that was fun then But I'll spare you a repeat, it must be the way I tell them.

[The Dogmother]

This one's not a joke, but an attempt to pour oil etc...

 

Woman was born from the rib of man

 

Not from his head to be above him

 

Not from his feet to be beneath him

 

But from his side to be his equal and close to his heart to be loved!

 

 

Told to me by my granny, who was a great feminist, but traditional too!

 

Me, I've given up on the men jokes - they do it fine for themselves!

 

I've got a couple of good ones, but they're on my PC at work, so you'll have to wait until I get back from hols.

[Popcorn]

Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

A: One. He just holds it in there and waits for the world to revolve around him..!

 

(Sorry )