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Cinnamon

What should I do about a Brother like this?

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Ok, so sorry for the heavy post so early into the new Year,but I am upset & I am sure you guys can help.

 

My little brother has always been my Dads favourite. No bones about it. They play golf together, Dad phones him daily,whereas I am lucky to hear from him monthly,despite the children.

 

Over the past few years I have noticed little undermining things my brother is doing to freeze me out. Barbeques at his house,to which I am not invited,ditto parties & birthday & Christmas bashes.

A few incidents are especially fresh in my mind.......I invited bro over to mine last Christmas Eve,along with Dad & my Sister,who was away on holiday at the time of the invite. My Brother went & picked her up from the Airport & invited her to HIS for the evening instead,along with Dad,but no invite for us. She naturally accepted,being unaware of any other invitation.

As it was the first anniversary of my Mums birthday after her death,I was understandably upset. I cried on the phone to my Dad (didn't meant to),& he told me not to blame my Brother who was only trying to b a good son :evil:

My Brother does this sort of thing all the time.

 

Three Christmasses ago I invited everyone to mine,only for my Brother to then invite them all to his....they all went.

I had even ordered the turkey.

 

Today is my dads birthday,& he is suffering from ill health at the moment,due to a recently diagnosed aggressive disease.

 

I have just found out that my brother has gone out to supper with Dad,my Sister & her other half,& yet again not told me,or invited me.

I found out via Facebook ............he updated his profile to say he was out with Dad & family at Jamie Olivers place.

It is almost like he WANTED me to read it.....................................in fact I am almost sure that is the case.

 

I am really hurt, my husband is really angry,& my daughters upset that they are also being frozen out.

 

My brother is 10 years younger than me,newly single after his marriage failed & a bit of a sad case all round.

I only live a couple of miles from Dad,yet my Brother just seems to try to make sure he is No1 the whole time.

 

Should I even bother being upset by his selfish & undermining behaviour,or is he just threatened by me & my family?

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Oh Sarah, no wonder you're feeling hurt and upset :( . He's behaving atrociously and it's awful that no-one else can see it (or he makes sure they don't find out :( ).

 

I don't know what to suggest apart from either trying to rise above it or playing him at his own game by making arrangements to see your dad and sister without involving him so he can't sabotage things.

 

You know you are the better person and are doing the right thing in every situation. He is the one with the problem. Perhaps he's jealous of you? Did you have a closer relationship with your mum (which would be understandable, being a daughter).

 

My brother makes me mad too. I've decided he's not worth getting upset over although it is very hard so I can sympathise :? .

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Horrid boy!! :x Was my first reaction on your behalf. But does he realise what he is doing and how it upsets you? Maybe he sees you as completely happy and settled with your husband and children with the new family you have created and he is trying to claim the rest of your family for himself. Was it your mum who kept things running smoothly when she was alive? Maybe he is still missing her and clinging onto your dad.

Families can be so tricky :? and all those little sibling rivalries don't go away when you grow up (says a nearly 50 year old woman who still feels cross that younger 48 year old twin siblings get more attention :evil::lol: ).

 

On a lighter note, I would suggest :-

 

1. Take up golf

2. Have a girl's day out with your sister

 

Good luck. It's always worse at Christmas. Hope the year gets better.

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I think I am going to rise above it,but have a bit of a moan to my Dad tomorrow.

 

He won't hear a word said against my Brother (this is not an exaggeration,he really,truly won't.If Bro said black was white,dad would agree),but it will make me feel better.

 

To be honest I am glad that you can see it from my point of view,because i did wonder if I was being paranoid or not......

 

I think that deep down he is jealous of my family unit,as he was desperate for a family before his marriage broke up.

My sister,who is in some ways equally to blame as she is often involved,has conception issues & is undergoing IVF,so she tends to avoid me & my happy family too :?

 

When Mum was alive we were very close,but she had an accident & was very sick for the last 2 years of her life. She did not recognise any of us,due to brain damage.

My sister is a nurse,so she coped,as did my brother.I however did not cope very well at all, & really could not handle visiting her during her last months as I found it far too upsetting.

 

Another probably pertinent point is that my sister & Bro have decided (without my knowledge or consent - I found out by accident) that Dad should be buried with Mum when he goes. They has been divorced for 18 years,& Mum would have HATED to end up with him(she had remarried even!),but they are quite insistent. Dad knows nothing about it.....................

 

Familys are so difficult. I thank whoever is up there for my lovely Hubby & wonderful girls.

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The thing is you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

Have a great big party for you and your friends...

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You're obviously hurting very badly inside so my advice is simply ask your brother what his problem is,but make sure its to his face and not via FB or other social network sites so you can judge his reaction.Its not fair that you're being excluded from your fathers life even if your brother dont want you in his,but do take heart that the problem is his and not yours.

 

If he is jealous of your family then he really should grow up and atleast achknowledge the failings in his own life before he alienates the whole family.

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Aww Sarah - whilst there may be mitigating reasons he is being mean :evil:

 

Take comfort from your lovely family and it is a shame your siblings can't rise above their need for their own families to make the most of the one they have.

 

Another probably pertinent point is that my sister & Bro have decided (without my knowledge or consent - I found out by accident) that Dad should be buried with Mum when he goes.They has been divorced for 18 years,& Mum would have HATED to end up with him(she had remarried even!),but they are quite insistent. Dad knows nothing about it.....................

:shock::shock::shock::shock:

 

They what :?::shock: methinks you might be best at a distance - this more than anything shows they have problems and are trying to control and create the family they want.

 

It may be worth you quietly finding out whether they can actually arrange this - who was your mums executor ? what would your dad feel about it ? what about your mums second husband ? is he still alive.

 

Upsetting as it is they aren't worth you losing any sleep over. Hug your girls and make them promise they will always look out for each other :D

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Really sorry to hear about your problems. It may be that your brother feels jealous or threatened by your happy family unit, or maybe he's persuaded himself that you somehow don't 'need' your Dad there - you may never know. I'm afraid I think your dad is partly to blame in this because he's either deliberately collaborating with your brother, or he's closing his eyes to what's going on.

 

I'm a firm believer in the truth that you can't change what happens to you, but you can change how you react to it. Easier said than done, I know but you seem to be rising above it - you know your own worth, and that you have a happy family with your OH and children; it may be that you have to accept that you are not going to have family 'do's altogether again because of your brother's attitude. Don't let it wind you up - it's him who is being unreasonable, not you. You could try and have it out with him, but is it likely to change anything? it may not be worth it,sadly.

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I'm an only child, and always longed for a brother or sister. Now that both my parents are gone, I'm alone in the world apart from my OH and children, and whilst it's lovely to have their support, I miss sharing my antecedants directly....and actually it's not really that good a feeling. Blood relations are important, although I do know how nasty some family situations can turn, even though I don't really understand why. So although not helpful, I know, in the light of his awful behaviour, my instinct is to say to try and mend the relationship if at all possible. It will also make your Dad's last years happier (Does he really need to know about the other stuff at his stage in life?)

 

Another probably pertinent point is that my sister & Bro have decided (without my knowledge or consent - I found out by accident) that Dad should be buried with Mum when he goes. They has been divorced for 18 years,& Mum would have HATED to end up with him(she had remarried even!),but they are quite insistent. Dad knows nothing about it.....................

 

 

 

Work head checking in...just to say, that when you are gone your body is the property of your Executors, and so if you are an Executor you can have a say in this...and stop it happening.

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I can't offer much except symapthy. I have a nightmare needy sister, who seems to go out of her way to sabotage happiness, bith mine, hers, parents.....I can't offer any practical suggestions, only observe that it seems like he's stick being s child, and needs that immature relationship with your father, and that he.they may be jealous and resentful of your happy family. My sister told me only today that she hates it that my two girls and so easy and well behaved, and her son is a horror ( he's 3, and she lets him get away with murder, mine are 12 and 9...and it took a lot of hard work to make it look so easy haha) So....Hugs, and try not to let it get to you...people say you can't choose your family, but it doen't mean you have to carry them around...............

 

Hugs again x Sarah x x

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Sorry to hear about this Sarah, it's very hard for you and I admire you for aiming to rise above it.

Just thinking about your Dad not hearing a word said about your brother though - it may just be because he doesn't want you to fall out. After all, as his children he wouldn't want to think there was bad feeling between you? Sorry if that doesn't make much sense, I'm just thinking about how I won't let any of my children say anything against each other, because I love them all equally and want them to love each other, even if that isn't always realistic.

At the end of the day, your relationship with your Dad is important and your brother needs to get over himself. As long as you maintain the contact with Dad, you know you will be doing the right thing. Your brother can then take it or leave it, can't he? Hopefully then one day he will be able to see sense and build a proper relationship with you. (((hugs))) xx

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Thanks for all your replies - I really appreciate the support.

 

One thing I should point out is that I am on perfectly good terms with my brother,friendly emails,popping in for coffee & so forth.

This slow freeze has been going on for a while - I can see it,my family can,even my Dad can,but brother would deny it totally. Dad tends to hide his head in the sand & hope it all goes away.He idolises my Brother & will not her a word against him.Ever.

 

Just 3 weeks ago my Dad got very ill & was unable to feed or look after himself. My brother didn't tell me about this situation,despite me living 2 miles from Dad & being free during the day to visit him...I found out by chance when I called Dad as to check he was Ok in the snow.

I sent my brother a text feigning that I thought he didn't know Dad was sick,& he never replied.

Dad then told him that he was getting a house key cut for all of us to have in case it happened again (he had been unable to get out of bed for 2 days),& Brother told him not to do one for me,as he would look after him :roll:

 

Happily Dad told him not to be so stupid 8):lol:

 

That is the sort of sneaky underhandness I am dealing with.

 

As my Brother has often used his Facebook status as a way of letting me know that I have once again not been invited to an event,I have taken him off of my friends list.He is far too pathetic to confront me about doing that.

 

I will phone dad later today to wish him a belated happy birthday,as I couldn't get hold of him yesterday,& will see if he mentions the big celebration last night :?

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It sounds as though your brother is very jealous of you and very insecure in himself. It's easy for someone outside the situation to say don't take it personally, but impossible for you not to I can see. I'd feel exactly the same. I hope it gets better for you

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I have nothing to add to the very good replies above Sarah - it is obviously your brother's problem and I hope you manage to find a way through this and to stay on good terms.....not an easy task.

 

Take great pride in the secure and happy family life you have - that's some achievment!

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i am an only child so cant begin to know what you are going thro. I have seen this with friends, relatives and patients and cant begin to know how you feel. He sounds immature and stupid and I wonder if he is cross you are in a happy stable marriage with lovely kids. You say you havent confronted him and he would deny it - could you and your supportive OH have it out with him? The other thing is to sever all contact with him and get on with your life. being hurt and upset is very draining and I think I would cut him out my life if I could - explaining to your dad and sister why.

Hope you can get it sorted - I dont know anybody well on forum but I can tell most of you ladies and gents are kind, considerate human beings - and if ever I happen to be in Waitrose Henley I will pop in and say hello. Good luck Love Ali.

Just remember you have a family - possily this is a bone on contention for him being divorced.

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Families are complex things. My family is definitely not all sweetness and I think it's hard to give ideas as to what to do next as we're on a forum and I don't personally know your family.

But it definitely sounds as though your brother is jealous. I probably wouldn't complain too much to your father as he's unwell and I'm assuming he already knows how you feel about your brother... and he can't be completely ignorant to what's going on.

I would try to tell your brother how you feel but as it's an emotional subject, you might find it hard to keep calm and composed. I would have as good relationship as possibly with your father and as for your brother, I'd personally, for now, keep a space away from him until he 'grows up' and decides to act like a decent person. Trying with your brother and then having it thrown back in your face is too upsetting. Personally, I don't bother with my brother because, as much as I love him, someone is influencing him to be cruel towards me. So I'm happier having no relationship with him for now rather than a horrible one.

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I was just wondering why you haven't spoken to your brother about your feelings if he pops in to see you from time to time. Leaving these things to simmer is never a good thing as they then tend to boil over into something exaggerated over time. I'm not suggesting this is the case for you but I would invite him over, or better still, go out somewhere for a coffee and have a "heart to heart" - life's too short.

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Another thought I had - perhaps you could increase the contact you have with your Dad and sister? If nothing else, you might be better informed about family gatherings and can make sure they both know about invitations from you. In other words, bypass your brother totally, while still seeing him on your terms.

 

I sympathise with how hard it is to confront your brother - my brother drives me demented but whenever I see him I just can't bring the subject up :? . I also do the "feigning" calls/texts - knowing he's been in Edinburgh but phoning to ask anyway :twisted: .

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I would find it really difficult to ask him why he hadn't invited us to one of his parties/family gatherings/Christmas do's...its just not in my nature to be that confrontational of blunt I am afraid :?

 

Plus I sort of thought that if I maintained a dignified silence,he wouldn't know that he was getting to me with his behaviour. So maybe he would stop?

 

I think maybe that the idea of some distance is a good one,either emotionally or physically...................anyone know of any nice farms for sale in Dorset? :lol::lol::lol:

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Sarah, I'm really sorry you're having to go through all of this.

 

Please don't kid yourself that you ca "rise above it". You might be able to ignore it for a while, but it will fester, and next time something happens it will flare up again.

 

 

Plus I sort of thought that if I maintained a dignified silence,he wouldn't know that he was getting to me with his behaviour. So maybe he would stop?:

 

No, it won't. Honestly. Your brother sounds a bit immature in some ways, and if he IS trying to get at you, he will keep going until he gets a reaction. My middle stepson was very immature when it came to relationships. He can't end them. His normal way of dealing with things is to be horrible to the girl concerned so that she will chuck him. If the girl doesn't chuck him, his behaviour gets worse and worse until she does. I've tried explaining to him that the poor girl will not do that, she'll just keep trying to fix things and all the time thinking she's the one at fault, but he just doesn't see it.

 

I would find it really difficult to ask him why he hadn't invited us to one of his parties/family gatherings/Christmas do's...its just not in my nature to be that confrontational of blunt I am afraid :?

 

Of course it's not in your nature. But is it in your nature to feel the way you're feeling now? Would you honestly find it harder to confront him than to carry on? The worst that will happen is that your brother will deny it all. If he does, well, you've tried. And you can always refer back to it if the behaviour continues.

 

Before you do tackle him, I would suggest that you sit and write down - for your own benefit - exactly WHAT he does and WHY it bothers you. Then, when you talk to him, you will have the information fresh in your mind. Don't try and tackle him without preparation.

 

For example, you might try saying to him "Is there any particular reason why you didn't ask me to join you for dad's birthday celebration?"

or

"I wish you had told me that Dad was ill - I could easily have visited every day, or on days when you couldn't visit".

 

Or another one might be:

 

"I was really upset that you told Dad not to get a key cut for me because it felt like you were trying to exclude me".

 

Another example might be "I;m really concerned that you have decided that Dad should be buried with Mum when he goes, because they has been divorced for 18 years,& Mum would have HATED to end up with him(she had remarried even!)"

 

It may be that this all started over something small and has just grown out of a series of misunderstandings. It really is best to try and bite the bullet and tackle the issue, just in case it is something that can be resolved.

 

And if, after trying, it can't be resolved - well, then you can remove yourself from the situation but in the full knowledge that you tried.

 

If you really can't do it, perhaps your husband could ask him?

 

Please try. to you all.

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its just not in my nature to be that confrontational of blunt I am afraid

 

Confrontational? That suggests animosity taking over and tempers flaring, it needn't be like that at all. You said previously that you have a good relationship with your brother so being able to talk to him about your feelings should be pretty straightforward. He may have some issues that you don't know about too and would welcome the opportunity to talk things over. It would be such a shame for more time to go by without trying to resolve the situation and before you know it, it'll be xmas again and more pent up emotions to add to the party. Worth a shot huh?

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Although we get along OK, we don't have a 'deep & meaningful' relationship.

Never talk about personal stuff or anything like that - my family (not my husband & daughters) are not big on emotions :? This is something I have worked very hard to resolve while raising my family,& happily we are all very close.

To talk to him about this would be painful to say the least,if not just impossible.....he would also deny any wrongdoing,as is his way :roll:

 

Spoke to Dad (he called me & he brought it up!),he says he is going to take us all out to make up for it,which I think is missing the point somewhat :roll:

I think I might just get him here for supper instead.

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I wonder how the meal out together would go...You could all chat things through amicably and you could let your brother know that his behavious is hurting you. Maybe he thinks that you have enough to be dealing with and is honestly trying to save you the hassle with your dad (although that doesn't explain the fact that he hasn't invited you to events :think: )The issue could be skirted round in the hope that you will all have a reasonable time and noone would be upset. Alternatively, things could turn a bit grim....perhpas supper would be a better idea!

 

Your brother may well deny that he has done anything wrong but I think that I would want him to know that his actions were hurtful - even if unintentionally so.

 

Sorry that I can't offer any advice but I do hope that it is sorted as it is horrible when things do "fester."

 

{{{{{ Hugs}}}}}

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Hi Cinnamon

 

Sorry you are having problems with your brother.

 

The fact that you are trying so hard to find out why you are being treated like this, shows that you are a very caring person.

 

I know that it is upsetting you now and you need an answer but it will wear you out trying to find one.

 

I have two sisters who act exactly the same way as you brother and I made myself ill trying to find out why.

 

I eventually decided that the best way to deal with it was to step back and let things take their course.

 

We now rarely see each other but when we do we are civil to each other and I like that.

 

As every one has mentioned it all comes down to jealousy and jealousy only belongs to the owner.

 

Take care.

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