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patsylabrador

getting the silent treatment

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I agree with Bluekarin. Probably best to cut the ties and just keep up the relationship with your sister.

 

As a little aside, although it might help, I am partway thought an amazing book by Dr Steve Peters - The Chimp Paradox. He is a sports psychologist mainly (helped the cycling team at the olympics and Ronnie O'Sullivan) and the book deals with controlling the side of the brain that makes us do stupid and irrational things. A bit simplified but that is the gist of it. What he does say and what really resonated with me is that you have control over what you do but you have absolutely no control over other people, only how you react to them.

 

You cannot change what your parents are. Their attitude is their problem and no doubt they are very unhappy people because of it. That is how they are. You can choose to carry on with them, knowing that is how they will always be, or cut the ties and make yourself happier.

 

I really would recommend reading the book. It's written in quite a chatty way and it has given me a different view on coping with life in general

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How horrible :( I think you should take your lead from your sisters and back off again. Keep sending birthday cards and small gifts but nothing more.

 

It may be that the problems are causing your parents a lot of stress and hitting out at you is the easy (but cowardly) thing for them to do. But even if that is the case it is their problem to resolve and you can't help if they won't let you.

 

You have a lovely family of your own and have created a different childhood for your children so take comfort in that and them.

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I feel your pain I can't o right for doing wrong with my parents who favour my youngest sister. Youngest sister leads the sort of life you read about in Take a Break magazine. I work hard (self employed cleaner), spent 6 months building up my business to what it is now where I have to turn down work, I own my home outright, don't have debts am married to one of the nicest men to walk this earth but sister who drifts from job to job is thought better of. :wall:

 

It is only parents who are vile, their siblings, cousins etc all love me.

 

Families grrrrrrr. I try not to let it bother me anymore, it still does bother me but half a box of after eights seems to make the hurt go away.

 

 

Just have a rant here, do what you can then ignore them.

 

Good luck

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Reading all this has given me the final shove to cut ties with my godmother and just wanted to say thanks for giving me the nudge to do something positive :D .

 

She's my (dead) mother's cousin and has always been very emotionally manipulative. It worked well with my mother, as they were both only children and therefore as close to siblings as they could get, but I have my own sibling, am rather more cynical and am a much more distant relative. I did feel sorry for her, as she's on her own, but am not prepared to dance to her tune any longer.

 

Off to retrieve my belongings from her house tomorrow (the final hold she had) and I am still prepared to give her pets a home when she finally pops her clogs, but from now she can play the silent treatment and blame-game all by herself.

 

Thank you again for all the sense spoken here.

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I feel for you all, I'm having a similar experience with my mother and sister. I won't bore you with the long story about my mother, how my sister tries to manipulate/control her adult children and everyone else in her life, how her adult daughter turns to me when the chips are down etc etc, but my sister decided earlier this year she would never speak to me again when I refused to do what she told me to do (turn my back on her daughter/my niece). I thought she'd get over it, continued communicating with her as normal, sending her a 50th birthday card and present, etc etc, but I heard she cut up my £50 gift card and threw her favourite perfume out so I guess I'm still in her dog house. It escalated last month when my mother took her side (listening to her version of events and refusing point blank to hear mine), so she's not speaking to me either. I swing from being upset at being cut off like that to resigned to getting on with my life, so I sent them a joint email saying just that. I'd always be there for either of them if they ever need anything, but I'm not playing the piggy in the middle peace maker any more. It was quite a relief to stop trying to fix something so out of my control. My life is complicated enough right now, my 30yr+ plus marriage is over but we can't extract ourselves immediately for a variety of reasons (dogs/business/house/etc) so my energies are best spent on me and staying sane right now. So far so good!!

 

Sending positive vibes to all who need them :)

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Here are some what sounds like much needed (((hugs))) for you Jools. Talk about going through the wringer! I do hope the home side settles soon, and both you and the ex can move on. 30 years is a long time to then not be together anymore, and I imagine there will be a fair amount of adjustment. As for you mum and sister, they sound most welcome to each other.

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Jools.Sending you my love because I know you've had a rubbish time. The last thing you need is a sulky mother. The things I have read about mums are beyond my comprehension. Best wishes. If you are ever in London I will take you along the Southbank which I believe to be good for the soul. Slightly obsessed but its my go-to place.

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Sounds like you could use a few positive vibes and ((hugs)) too Jools, so sending you lots.

 

As a quick update, I went to remove my belongings from my godmother last Friday, to find her in "poor little me" mode :roll:. "Ooops, word censored!"ody loves me, everybody hates me - I didn't ask her if she'd like to go and eat worms :lol:

 

I'm kind of sorry about leaving her on her own, but she is so high-maintenance and such an energy leech that I know it's for the best.

 

Thanks again to everyone for all the sense and support.

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As a quick update, I went to remove my belongings from my godmother last Friday, to find her in "poor little me" mode

 

 

When Mum does that I call it her Larry the Lamb voice as all she does is bleat on and on

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:lol: Take round some mealworms next visit!

 

Popping back in I can see positive attitudes - so in seeking advice and having a jolly good let off steam session it's good to see you taking control of your lives and removing the controlling manipulating people to a safe distance. You may feel guilty at first - even though it isn't your fault they are being so stupid. But time is a good healer and you will be more involved in your own family life including timeouts for yourself that you won't notice the ones that are missing. If they miss you then it's up to them to make humble pie and eat it. You can choose to give them a chance or be firm and keep out of it.

 

Now that is something that I have wondered about. What if the same thing happens further down the line if I do agree to let bygones be bygones - will they revert back? Possibly so I don't know what I'd do. The hurt runs too deep though. Oh dear waffling in my own thoughts there - sorry! :oops: I guess that's a bridge that will have to be crossed when my mum goes - if I'm invited to the funeral. I wasn't invited to my uncle's funeral recently - so I do have a feeling that my mum has been stirring it even now! :?

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As a quick update, I went to remove my belongings from my godmother last Friday, to find her in "poor little me" mode

 

 

When Mum does that I call it her Larry the Lamb voice as all she does is bleat on and on

 

My mother has a "little old lady" voice which she uses on the phone, i presume when she wants some sympathy

 

She lives a few hundred miles away. I was with her one day in her living room and we were talking normally. The phone rang, she answered it, and started talking in this thin, quavering, little old lady voice! She switched it off as soon as the phone call was finished.

 

It used to make me really cross, now it makes me laugh.

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