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Ain't Nobody Here

My brother - it's over for good now

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Sorry to hear of the problems you are having getting mum to settle - it's so hard and I just hope she isn't aware enough to still be trying to manipulate you by having these outbursts, she's probably just, understandably, very confused and the home must know that and deal with it fairly regularly? Does she have a TV or radio in her room, I wondered if that might help her settle at night/distract her?

 

On the house front - it's worth notifying the house insurers that the property is now unoccupied - they might just say they won't cover it after, say, 30 days, but it's better to find that out now so you can organise different cover, than wait 'til you need to make a claim to find they decline cover? The fact that you are visiting regularly will help - most insurance companies insist on regular visits to unoccupied properties. If your brother has a key, is it worth changing the locks?

 

Good luck xx

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Well done ANH - it was necessary. But I'm sure you'll be the one feeling guilty and ignore your brother if and when - he'll only be interested in the money side of it for himself and not your mum, but at least he did ring her. Perhaps he should have called you. I know you don't want to but maybe tell him in case he wants to visit her? I remember my aunt putting my grandad in a care home and didn't tell mum where he was and my mum was frantic with worry. It was a different story where they were supposed to be looking after grandad 6 weeks with us and 6 weeks with her. She was fed up after a week. Luckily my mum guessed that the home was attached to the Freemasons (aunt's husband was a member), so she rang and went to see him. So he says "this is my daughter - no not the rich one" to the inmates!!! They agreed 6 weeks about because my aunt had a spare room - we didn't and my folks were sleeping in the lounge on the put-you-up. The aunt was still the perfect one. She actually told my mum that she would never have him back and she had a life whereas my mum didn't! She already went through my grandparents belongings when my nan died and took anything of value. Words fail me (well they don't but they'd be censored!).

 

In the end we couldn't live like that forever and it was causing a lot of grief within the family. Grandad decided he'd like to go and so he took himself to a home - which was awful and mum was horrified, so mum persuaded him to go to the London Transport home (he drove buses) as his friend (and former co-worker and his conductor) was also there. I gather they got up to mischief and it was fine until Uncle Billy died. Grandad went soon after, but he then didn't have dementia. And guess who was the first one to want to know how much was left in his bank account. Well tough luck - the council had it all as the money from the sale of the house went towards his care home and it dwindled down to nothing. Then the solicitors had their cut out of the remains too!

 

Hearing things from friends with their parents - and having a friend working in a care home - they should be used to random unpleasantness from the patients. Some are moved up to a more closely watched ward if they continue to be violent, and I'm sure the meds are given to calm them down. One friend's mum was a bit lost at first and was fine for a few years, but then she also got violent as the dementia progressed, was moved and she liked the room so is much happier now - she is on medication too but not spaced out! My friend who works there says they have to be vigilant because occasionally someone starts on another patient or the staff! But they know how to deal with it and are used to it - especially with the newbies that take a while to settle with all the confusion.

 

So I am surprised that your mum's place continually worries you with threats of not keeping her there. It's not fair on either of you then!

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Does she have a TV or radio in her room, I wondered if that might help her settle at night/distract her?
Bramble, yes, she has a tv but struggles to work it and can't ever find anything she likes to watch. I took a DAB radio in but it needs PAT testing first. She can't work that either though :? .
it's worth notifying the house insurers that the property is now unoccupied -

If your brother has a key, is it worth changing the locks?

Re the insurance I gather you're allowed 28 days so I'll call them soon and let them know. I live about 3 minutes away and am going in most days. I have changed the locks - mainly because there were so many people coming and going - but a bonus is my brother can't get in!

 

I remember my aunt putting my grandad in a care home and didn't tell mum where he was and my mum was frantic with worry.
What a horrible situation, Valkyrie :( . Why do people have to be so horrible to their own family :( .

 

So I am surprised that your mum's place continually worries you with threats of not keeping her there. It's not fair on either of you then!
The home seems happier with mum now, thankfully. She still has outbursts but they're monitoring them to work out the triggers.

 

The home phoned me today saying he'd called to say he wanted to visit her. Thankfully, they were on the ball, said they'd phone him back and called me to ask what to do! (I gave them a sheet telling them about mum's life/family etc and may just have mentioned the reason she has no money :whistle: .) I told them I can't stop him visiting but would be grateful for a call if he does phone again or visit. I certainly don't want to bump into him. They told him she was out with her carer - he wasn't pleased but said he'd leave it for now. I wonder if he's in Edinburgh to see the lawyers about the house. I've been pestering mum's lawyers but they've heard nothing from the other lawyers. I don't know what they're playing at :evil: .

 

Unfortunately they told mum he'd called and she got herself in a real state, devastated that she'd missed him :wall: . They said she's been telling them he's sold her house and taken all her money so they'll see how inconsistent she is.

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On the other hand it shows the home that she's scared of him taking her money - plus your oopsie slip of family details which confirms his behaviour.

 

At least she's settled for the most part.

 

We need a hug smiley!

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Feeling so angry with my brother so I've come on here to let off steam :evil: .

 

He's still not bothered to visit or call mum or contact me. Now, after weeks of waiting, he's "agreed" to the sale of the house (anything to do with the couple of hundred thousand pounds - at least - he stands to gain :think: ?) and wants access to retrieve "personal belongings" (this via his lawyers writing to my mum's lawyers, not a simple email to me, oh no). I've spent the last 3 weeks clearing out the house and I'm pretty certain there's nothing of his there. He took his few belongings the last time he visited mum in the house. What's in the house really is 99% junk, most of which is already in bin bags ready to go to the tip.

 

To avoid yet more unnecessary legal fees (mum has already had a bill for £840 and they've done next to nothing) I did the right thing and emailed him to say a house clearance firm will be coming soon so if he lets me know what items he wants, I'll make sure they don't get thrown out. No response. Bear in mind he lives a couple of hundred miles away so I thought I was doing him a favour.

 

So I emailed again, slightly less politely and said if he doesn't get in touch I'll assume he doesn't want anything and the clearance will go ahead. Nothing.

 

So I texted, just checking that he'd got my emails. Now I get a terse email (with a pointed "Dad's House" added to the subject line, just in case I've forgotten that he'll get Dad's half of the house when it's sold :evil: ). Not even a "Dear Vicki" or a signature.

 

Ref: mum and Dad's House

 

Please forward access code for the front door (changed by you to prevent access by me) so I can remove any of my own items still in the house when down next week for work.

 

I didn't change the access code. I did change the locks but with all the people coming and going over the years and using the key safe I think that was reasonable from a security point of view. I'm sure the insurers would have told me to do that if I'd asked.

 

I'm not in a hurry to respond. See how he likes it. And I'm not giving him a key. I'm going to try and remove the key safe (which isn't in use now) so he can't insist I leave a key in it. I'll let him in but OH is going to come with me (not that we know when he's going to come :? ) because I'm really nervous about seeing him face to face for the first time in 2 1/2 years.

 

I have never hated anybody in my whole life. Until now.

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I feel for you, it sounds like you have done everything in a calm sensible way. Taking your OH sounds like a good plan, hope all goes well.

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He's a s*d isn't he? What a nasty piece of work.

 

You may not feel like doing this but, if it were me, I would (try to) continue to be polite and sweet in all my correspondence. You can be sure he will only show his family the correspondence where you are short or less polite with him (and I know it upsets you that his children think you are one causing the problems).

 

I hope you manage to arrange things so your DH can be there too.

 

Good luck xx

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I know, that's good advice and is the way I'm trying to go although it's so tempting to let him have it with both barrels :evil: . I don't think these are too bad, are they? Only took him an hour to respond to the second one (with that snotty reply).

 

Hi M***

 

I've been sorting out mum's house and it's almost ready for the house clearance firm to take everything away prior to it going on the market. If you let me know what items you're looking for I can keep them apart from the stuff being taken away.

 

Vicki

 

I have ensured that I'm using your current email address but have had no response to my previous email. I'm not prepared to incur yet more unnecessary legal costs for mum by communicating through lawyers because you choose not to reply to my emails.

 

If you want to retrieve items that belong to you from mum's house, get in touch with me to arrange to do so. If you don't get in touch, I will assume you don't want access to the house and the house clearance will go ahead.

 

Vicki

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Thinking of you. Please dont meet this guy on your own. He sounds dangerous. Try to stay calm and polite. Walk away if need be. Love Ax

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No advice other than make sure your OH is with you when you meet him at the house.

 

Once the house is sold a major point of contact is gone which will reduce stress so keep focussed on that.

 

Mostly just wanted to send hugs

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He visited mum today (or yesterday, she can't remember which) with his 2 daughters. Despite being 2 minutes from mum's house (as am I), he didn't contact me to ask for access. I suspect because he doesn't want to risk his daughters hearing me say anything that might contradict his lies.

 

Mum got a thank you letter for the wedding present I chose and paid for and sent to his eldest daughter (I got her to sign the card and she made a small contribution). It said that her "absence was mentioned in a speech". Not that she wasn't invited and that's why she was absent :roll: .

 

Wonder if I'll get a letter mentioning my absence from the wedding too?

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When my mum died my step sister who was very much older than me, at least 20 years(was my dads first wife's daughter) was all over us until after the funeral and she asked about a will - when I mentioned that the solicitor had been contacted and I was the only beneficiary in the will then she went nasty - my mum lived with us for 15 years and in the local nursing home for 3 she had had a council house all her life and a lot of money went to the home - we were never a wealthy family and so there was virtually nothing left which is as it should be she got the use of it - I have to this day 11 years later never heard from her or her family again - they live in England and I am so glad I dont have to worry about her any more. My mother gave her her own mothers stuff many years ago. My uncle told me her husband died but It was a long time after the event.

Hang in there it will be worth it soon and you wont have to worry about him.

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I saw this at the top and thought oh nooooo!

 

What a horrible person he is. Don't forget to oooohhhhmmmm now and again - because he isn't worth you making yourself ill with worry.

 

I probably would say your stuff is in the bin bags which are placed outside, you can go through them and anything you don't want you can contribute to the house clearance by taking them to the dump and don't forget to let go.

 

Chin up - once the house has gone that's you free. I do so understand. Lots of hugs. xxxoooxxx

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Emailed him on Tuesday evening, similar terse fashion to his, saying after 7pm Thur/Fri were convenient for him to have access.

 

Late Thurs afternoon got a reply saying "Not so convenient as I am back up north now." He can't be that bothered to get into the house so I'm going ahead with the house clearance next week and won't bother telling him.

 

On a positive note, there are For Sale and Sold signs all over the place and this headline was in the press this week "Edinburgh property market ‘on fire’ as prices soar" :D .

 

Already have a potential buyer - a lovely young chap with his own joinery/building firm who I've used a lot says his parents (who live round the corner from me) are very keen to see the house 8) .

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