Solitary chicken - need advice

[Treekeeper]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old pensioner submitted to a firm in Yorkshire.

 

 

Name: Grumpy old b*****

 

Sex:

Not lately, but I am looking for the right partner or at least one who will cooperate.

 

Desired position:

Company Chief executive or managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place-would I?

 

Desired salary:

£150K a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make me an offer we can haggle

 

Education:

Yes

 

Last position held:

Target for middle management hostility.

 

Previous salary:

a lot less than I'm worth!

 

Most notable achievement:

My incredible collection of stolen pens and post it notes.

 

Reason for leaving:

it was a c*** job.

 

Hors available to work:

 

Any

 

 

Preferred hours:

 

1.30-3.30 pm Monday Tuesday & Thursday.

 

Do you have any special skills:

 

Yes but they are more suited to a more intimate environment.

 

May we contact your current employer:

 

If I had one would I be here?

 

Do you have any physical conditions which would prevent you lifting up to 50lbs;

 

of what?

 

Do you have a car:

 

A more appropriate question would be do you have a car that runs, I do have a bus pass and a mobility scooter.

 

Have you received any special awards or recognition:

I may already be a winner of the readers digest timeshare free holiday offer, so they tell me.

 

do you smoke:

 

On the job no on my breaks yes.

 

Where do you see your self in 5 years:

 

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel who thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread.

 

Actually I'd like to be doing that now!

 

Nearest relative:

 

7 miles

 

Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge:

 

Oh Yes, absolutely

[Jules.]

[Egluntyne]

I love it.

[xScrunchee]

Excellent

[Lesley]