Poorly chicken

[Looney]

I know from an earlier topic that a few of you have experience of tracing birth parents / family and the positives and negatives involved....well, I've just recently contacted my biological grandfather! It's quite a convoluted story (aren't they always ) so I'll try to keep it short!

 

My Gran was in the Forces stationed in Singapore and got pregnant aged 19, the father also in the Forces. She was immediately sent home in disgrace, which is what happened to unmarried, pregnant women in the early 50s, and for whatever reason her and the father didn't stay together /get married. A year or so later my Gran met and married my Grandad who then adopted the baby, my mother.

 

My Mum had a happy childhood, was told when she was about 12 that she was adopted, all fine and she was never tempted to trace her biological father. Bearing in mind that it was also a topic that was never spoken about in her family.

 

Fast forward 57 years.....(need a wavy screen special effect ) and her biological father (Mr M) manages to get in touch with my Gran. He is unwell and is interested in finding out what happened to my Mum. My grandparents live in New Zealand and have done for 36 years so it is really down to the wonders of the internet that he tracked them down.

 

This is where it gets potentially awkward. I knew that my Gran basically told him to sling his hook (she's a formidable lady ) My Mum said she wasn't interested in getting to know him as she doesn't feel incomplete not knowing him and I think he said something that upset my Gran so contact ceased. I had asked my Mum a few questions about him but hadn't hassled her about it. A couple of weeks ago Mum sent me his contact details saying that she hadn't considered my feelings and she was 100% fine about me contacting him if I wanted to know more.

 

So I emailed him! And he replied. And I now know about his life etc. I doubt that the relationship will be more than an exchange of information, and maybe once he knows about my Mum's life he won't stay in touch. That's fine with me, I am realistic and I have gained information from him that I wouldn't otherwise know about. If it goes further that would also be fine.....but....my Mum then announced that she doesn't think my Grandad knows Mr M contacted my Gran and Mum doesn't want to be disloyal to her dad and therefore still doesn't want to be in contact with Mr M (but it's OK for me). Now I feel guilty, I thought my Grandad knew all about it

 

Is it natural for me to feel guilty? I doubt very much that Mr M would try contact my grandparents again

[emmab]

Ooh, well done you for being brave! It takes a lot of guts to contact someone after all this time. I can understand you feeling guilty but I think it's something you just have to do. If it was me I'd be too intrigued to leave it. If it comes to the time you are going to meet up then maybe you have to say something but until then just find out what you want to know. My OH doesn't know his dad, but is convinced he met and spoke to him the other day in a really random chance meeting. I'm definately my father's daughter (if you know what i mean) and my family make up a lot of my identity so I'm fascinated that my OH isn't interested in knowing his roots. Good Luck, you could be opening a can of worms but I think you won't settle until you know what you know what you need to know. Keep us informed please! Good Luck! x

[Egluntyne]

Well done. A very brave step. I think it is vital that we know who we are. I felt a sense of ease once I had spoken to my birth family.

I can understand you feeling 'guilty', for fear of offending someone who has been very impsrtant to you, but as you were unaware that not everyone knew, I don't think you should dwell on that too much.

 

We've come a long way, eh?

[Looney]

Thanks guys

 

Once I had his details I had to either contact him immediately or delete them, I couldn't just allow them to sit there looking at me!

 

I think my Mum is curious and she has read his email with interest. It turns out we're a little bit Essex and a little bit Irish! Which makes Bogwoppit a bit English, Welsh, Scottish and Irish - a full house! Since becoming a Mum myself these things have become more important and at least now I can pass on the information to Bogwoppit.

 

And yes, we have come a long way! The women were always sent home in disgrace, completely their fault obviously My Grandad was great. He was a Sergeant Major in the Army and didn't have any problem "taking on" my Gran plus child and accepting Mum as his own. I expect it was never spoken about as if word had got around people would have judged him, my Gran and my Mum and treated them differently. A totally different world!

[Olly]

Good for you - if your mum doesn't mind, then don't feel guilty - it's probably better that your grandparents don't know, and they don't need to know. It's probably given the elderly gentleman a bit of 'closure', and it sounds as if your mum had a happy upbringing. You sound very realistic about the limitations to this relationship.

 

I am not adopted, so can't really put myself in your shoes, but I think one of the benefits of knowing family history is the potential for finding out about medical history - I know there are several inherited diseases in my family, and I may or may not get them but it helps to know they might be there.

[Seagazer]

I'm with everyone else on this and don't think you should feel guilty about contacting your biological grandfather. Its nice to be able to find out where you come from. As you say it probably won't amount to too much so it shouldn't be too hard to keep it a secret if thats what you need to do.