SarahJo Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mini welly Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Ok, it's a bit of a long one but if you have a cat you'll understand HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL.... thats hilarious! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JillM Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 I quite agree So I've put it here again for those who don't want to go back to the beginning of the thread Ok, it's a bit of a long one but if you have a cat you'll understand HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and reair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visable from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply plaster to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Ring fire department to retrieve &@*$&^@#% cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the little "Ooops, word censored!" front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by largs piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stiches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL 1. Wrap it in bacon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JillM Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Good grief, I was nearly crying with laughter through these! They remind me of the insurance claims Jasper carrot used to read out. These are supposedly genuine clips from British Council flat tenantscomplaining to the Council about problems with their flats. It was sent to me by a friend. * My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. * He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. * It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. * I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my k"Ooops, word censored!" off. * I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. * And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. * I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. * My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? * I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. * Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. * I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen * 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. * I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. * The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. * Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. * Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. * I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. * The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. * Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. * I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. * Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. * I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. * This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. Cheers Jem Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LuckyChickenLover- Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Wow this is an old thread My turn! Three men and their wives were sitting at dinner. The first man says to his wife; "Please pass me the sugar, Sugar" The second man says; "I can do better than that, pass me the honey, Honey". The third man says; "I can do better than that. Pass me the milk, Cow" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
