Single hen

[Popcorn]

I just love really bad jokes, so I've created a new thread so I can join in on yours

 

I'll start with this terrible one:

 

 

Q What's the difference between an Elephant and a Ant?

 

 

A eleph

[Cinnamon]

What do baby Apes sleep in?

 

Apricots !

[Jem]

Now, you REALLY don't want to get me started on the worst jokes

 

I have some seriously bad ones, but any I post will be within the boundaries of good taste and cleanliness (honest).

 

Here's a really poor one for starters...

 

Q. Why do elephants have big ears

 

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A. Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

 

 

Ok, Ok... Here's a few more

 

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of chicken poo and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

 

 

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.

As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment. "I couldn't help but notice you as you got off your horse. That's quite an unusual ritual."

"Yep," replied the cowboy. "I got me some bad chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" asked the townsman.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

 

 

A man was sat at home one Night when there was a loud knock at

The door. The man answers angrily to Find a 6ft stag beetle standing at the doorstep. "What the hell is this?" he shouts, at which time the beetle launches into a frenzied and vicious Attack in a flurry of kicks and punches -

then leaves. The man crawls into his house and calls An ambulance, but is naturally not keen To reveal the truth behind his injuries. Finally, one day he tells a doctor, but surprisingly, the doctor believes him and is sympathetic, "I understand," he says, "there is a nasty bug going around at the moment..."

 

 

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your backside."

 

 

Two carrots were walking down the road one day when all of a sudden a car drove by and hit one of them. The other carrot took the injured carrot to the hospital.

After examining him the doctor came into the waiting room and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend will live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life."

 

 

A guy walks into a supermarket and buys the following items:

1 toothbrush

1 tube of toothpaste

1 roll of toiletpaper

1 frozen dinner

1 can of pop

1 box of cereal

The woman behind the counter says, "so you are single huh?"

The man replies very sarcastically, "why would you guess that, because I am buying 1 of everything?"

The woman replies, "no, because you are ugly

 

 

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's cot. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a cot like that for only £46.50."

 

One for the men...

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

 

 

This duck walks into a local store and asks the assistant, "Do you have any grapes?"

The assistant says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"

The assistant again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?"

The assistant screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"

The assistant replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

 

 

Believe me that's only a starter, just shout if you can stand any more.

 

Cheers

 

Jem

[Mrs Frugal]

Excellent Jem!!!

 

(I think I'm shouting !)

 

A rabbit went into a butchers shop and said to the butcher "Have you got any carrots?". The butcher said "No, this is a butchers shop, we only sell meat" so the rabbit went away.

 

The next day the rabbit came into the shop again and said "Have you got any carrots?". The butcher said "I told you yesterday, we don't sell carrots. This is a butchers shop - we only sell meat".

 

The rabbit went away but came back again the next day. "Have you got any carrots?". The butcher was starting to get cross and shouted "NO! I've already told you that we only sell meat. If you come back again asking for carrots, I'll nail your ears to the wall!"

 

The rabbit went away.

 

The next day the rabbit entered the shop and said "Have you got any nails?". The butcher, surprised, said "No, I haven't". "OK," said the rabbit, "Have you got any carrots then!"

[Nicola H]

What game do horses play ?

Stable tennis

 

 

What can fly and has four legs ?

Two birds

 

 

Why did the witch cross the road ?

It was the chickens day off

[Guest]

I thought this was the funniest joke ever, back in the 70's when I was wee:

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

 

It was safety pinned to the punk..............

 

 

And this is the boys favourite at the moment:

 

Knock knock

 

Who's there?

 

Doctor

 

Doctor who?

 

How did you know??!

[Mel (& Paul)]

Two crisps walking down the road

One is salt and vinegar

The other is cheese and onion.

 

The salt and vinegar crisps looks absolutely exhausted.

 

He's dragging his feet

 

And puffing and panting.

 

A kindly motorist pulls up and asks them if they want a lift.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No thanks, they say,

 

 

 

 

 

We're Walkers

[Cate in NZ]

I couldn't think of any so I asked my son

 

He came up with:

 

What's brown & sticky?................................................. a stick

 

"Mum, I can't stop running round in circles"......................."Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor"

 

Mum, you've got more chins than a Chinese phone book!

 

My sister is so stupid that she looked at a carton of orange juice for 1/2 hour because it said concentrate

 

Did you hear about the boy who stood under a cow? ....................He got a pat on the head.

 

I'm wishing I hadn't bothered

[Mrs Frugal]

So am I !

 

I nearly posted the stick one myself !

[Cate in NZ]

Ahh, but I'm staying on topic and giving you all the worst jokes. If I'd thought that you all really wanted good jokes I'd have posted some brilliant ones

 

OK, I can never remember the really good jokes. Don't know why, laugh my head off when I hear a good one, think I must remember that to pass it on.......... then promptly forget it

[Mrs Frugal]

Same here, Kate! Sad, isn't it !

[Popcorn]

What's brown & sticky?................................................. a stick

 

Oh, I love that one!!

 

[rachel19]

Ok, it's a bit of a long one but if you have a cat you'll understand

 

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

 

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm.

 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.

 

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

 

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

 

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

 

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and reair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visable from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply plaster to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12. Ring fire department to retrieve &@*$&^@#% cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

 

13. Tie the little "Ooops, word censored!"s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by largs piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

 

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stiches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

 

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL

 

1. Wrap it in bacon.

[Mrs Frugal]

Like that!

[Jem]

Hi all

 

Saw a thread that reminded me of this 'joke'...

 

This blonde goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so the barman gave ger one.

 

Cheers

 

Jem

[Mrs Frugal]

[Jem]

Oh, Just though of another...

 

With all the sadness going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which went almost un-noticed last week.

 

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully aged 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in - and things just started to go downhill from there.

 

Just let me know if you can stand anymore

 

Cheers

 

Jem

[Popcorn]

The Lads Prayer

 

Our Beer

Which art in barrels

Hallowed by thy drink

Thy will be drunk

I will be drunk

At home as it is in the local

Forgive us this day our daily spilage

As we forgive those that spillest against us

And lead us not into the poncey practise of wine tasting

And deliver us from alco-pops

For mine is the bitter

The ale and the lager

For ever and ever

 

Barmen.

[Popcorn]

Two women are talking on the phone. One says to the other:

'Hang on a minute, the old man popped down the garden ages ago to get a cabbage for dinner and he's not come back yet. I'd better go and look for him'

 

When she comes back to the phone she says:

'Oh no! He's dropped down dead in the vegetable patch'

 

'What are you going to do now?' her friend replies.

 

'Well, I'll have to open a tin of peas......'

[AnnieP]

Sorry Laura.....

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A: A fsh

[Mrs Frugal]

What goes "oooooo"?

 

 

 

A cow with no lips.

 

 

 

What goes "aaaaaah"?

 

 

 

A sheep with no lips.

[Jem]

O.K,, now you've got me going.... Sorry but I can't help myself!

 

A guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a

pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to

buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a

centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use

for his house.

 

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and

decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to

have a meal. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to

go to Frank's with me and have a bite to eat?" But there was no answer

from his new pet.

 

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked

him again, "How about going out and having a snack with me?" But

again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a

few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him

one more time - this time putting his face up against the centipede's

house and shouting, he said, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go get

some food with me?

 

A tiny little voice came out of the box ..............."I heard you

the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

 

 

Cheers

 

 

Jem

[Mrs Frugal]

[Jem]

And another...

 

I rang up my local take - away last night.

I said " Do you deliver ? "

He said

"No - we do lamb, chicken and fish " !

 

Cheers

 

Jem

[Jem]

Here we go...

 

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking

about their sons.

 

"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman.

"So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was

born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

 

"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman.

"Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."

 

 

Cheers

 

Jem