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[Egluntyne]

You could look at his friends, and find his adoptive parents and ask if they have told him he is adopted yet?

If they have told him it could be easier to make 1st contact.

 

 

Hmmmmmm I'm not sure that they will welcome that sort of approach tbh.

 

You have to tread ever so softly.

 

If they haven't told him (unlikely in this day and age admittedly) and a total stranger contacts them out of the blue to ask that particular question, they will be scared and upset.

[Cooks]

I was going to ask if he was married as then you would know he would have seen his birth certificate and well he would know would he? but I just read he's got a girlfriend so now I am no help.

[WitchHazel]

It's not as unlikely as you think, that someone in this day and age might not know.

 

I have a friend who was pregnant when she met her now-husband. 18 years later, the daughter still doesn't know that her dad isn't her biological father.

 

The longer they left it to tell her, the harder it became, and they just haven't.

 

 

We can all stand in judgement and say how silly of them, she'll find out as soon as she applies for a passport etc etc, but the reality is they aren't stupid people. They just kept putting it off, and then it got to the "too late" stage.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I've often heard it said that a huge number of children don't know that their father that isn't biologically theirs (what does that say about the female half of that population )

 

Although devastating, I don't think that would be quite as psychologically significant as finding out you were adopted - at least one of the parents is still biologically yours.

[whittlewitch]

Very tricky situation, I am not adopted and before posting I spoke to a friend who is. She has no desire to trace or be traced by her birth family, although did say it would be nice to have had siblings.

 

You could be opening a can of worms for this other boy and his family, that once opened could never be closed.

 

I think the use of some type of mediation service might be advisable.

[Tessa the Duchess]

You could look at his friends, and find his adoptive parents and ask if they have told him he is adopted yet?

If they have told him it could be easier to make 1st contact.

 

His mother and his brother (the son they had naturally) are on Facebook too.

When we adopted our son he had terrible trouble feeding, the social worker allowed me to 'phone his brother's adoptive mother to ask her if she had had feeding problems too, turns out they were both intolerant of SMA. So we did once speak on the 'phone. During the 'phone call I suggested that we meet one day, maybe in a park, so the boys could get to know each other. She was horrified and said absolutely not I couldn't possibly contact his mother. His brother is nearly 30 quite old enough to decide if he wants to have a relationship with my son or just ignore it. Having thought about this a lot, my thinking is that if he doesn't know he is adopted, maybe it's time he did, may answer many questions he has had all his life.

 

ANH my other son is adopted as well. He went down the 'correct' route to contacting his birth parents. I was very supportive but also quite scared that he would meet them and like them more than me and DH. I will confess that I was secretly glad when he told me his mother had disappeared 15 years ago. I don't feel at all threatened by him having a sort of relationship with his birth father and blood sister.

 

Tessa

[Rona]

Does your son have his own details and photo on facebook? I don't know how facebook works but can you tell if his brother has been looking for him? It is quite possible that he now knows he was adopted and that he has a brother. But, if the two of them are so alike it is also quite possible that he too has done nothing about it and is waiting for it to 'just happen'

[Tessa the Duchess]

My son does have a facebook profile, but his photo is one of a demented skunk, no idea why It is a good point that you make about the brother looking to find my son. When my son tried some time ago to contact the Adoption Service to find his brother he was told that most of the files had got lost maybe his brother had the same experience? It is unknowable really.

I soooooo want him to make contact, I am fascinated by it all. But I am a grown up and know when it is best to keep my mouth firmly shut

 

Tessa

[Rona]

Oh dear Tessa, I think this has got us all in suspenders with anticipation, so I can't imagine how it must be for you. But you are right, you have to know when to keep quiet

[Egluntyne]

I was going to ask if he was married as then you would know he would have seen his birth certificate and well he would know would he? but I just read he's got a girlfriend so now I am no help.

 

When I was adopted, I was issued with a new basic birth certificate, with my new name etc.

 

It is when a full one is requested that difficult questions have to be answered.

[Guest]

I was going to ask if he was married as then you would know he would have seen his birth certificate .....

 

I was born and adopted in 1970, my parents were given a new birth certificate in their name. I can apply for my original one, which is the first step in the process if you want to find your birth parents.

 

He's probably got a birth certificate in his adoptive name. I hope he's been told as otherwise this could be very traumatic for all concerned.

[Cooks]

ooh that surprises me, I know someone that is adopted and has it on their birth certificate, it's how their younger sibling found out!

[WitchHazel]

When we adopted our son he had terrible trouble feeding, the social worker allowed me to 'phone his brother's adoptive mother to ask her if she had had feeding problems too, turns out they were both intolerant of SMA. So we did once speak on the 'phone. During the 'phone call I suggested that we meet one day, maybe in a park, so the boys could get to know each other. She was horrified and said absolutely not I couldn't possibly contact his mother.

Tessa

 

Tessa, I can see that a phone call 30 years on would be awful, both for you and for the other mum. For her it would be "out of the blue", and I can imagine she would be shocked. What aout writing a letter to the mum?

 

You son could write it (or you could write it for him, as long as he knows about it and is happy with it), saying that he discovered who his brother is and he would like to make contact, but he wasn't sure of whether his brother would know. The letter could say something like "My mum told me about the phonecall you had when I was an infant and it turned out we were both allergic to SMA. She explained that you didn't seem very keen on the idea of meeting up, so I'm sensitive to the fact that you may not have told my brother that he's adopted. For this reason, I'm writing to you first, as I don't want to go blundering in."

 

That way, he hasn't said he won't contact his brother, and it gives the woman time to get her house in order, if it isn't already. It might also make things easier when your brother does decide to make contact.

[Paola]

His brother is nearly 30 quite old enough to decide if he wants to have a relationship with my son or just ignore it.

 

I agree. I do hope this works out well for you all.

[Egluntyne]

ooh that surprises me, I know someone that is adopted and has it on their birth certificate, it's how their younger sibling found out!

 

Maybe things have changed in recent years.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

It seems to me that this boy's mother would be a bit odd if she didn't want them to meet each other. It's not like they would be meeting their birth parents which I could understand could be seen as a threat to her relationship with him.

 

Perhaps contact with her to ascertain if he knows he's adopted could be a first step. If he does know, then at least your son will know he's not dropping a complete bombshell if he makes contact. If the mother is unhappy, it's really not her decision to make but you'll have done the right thing checking the facts beforehand.