Smart Feeder - Light sensor values

[Tessa the Duchess]

I joined facebook yesterday just so I could play a few games of Scrabulous with Omleteers. Then I sort of got sucked in to the people search bit and typed in a few names of lost friends, as you do An aside here, both my children are adopted, my younger son has already found his siblings and his father through the adoption counselling service but my elder son has never shown much interest although he has a brother who is 16 months older than him who he would really like to find, but he has just been too lazy

Anyway just out of curiosity I typed his brother's name into the search (I know the surname of the family that adopted him) and hey presto there he was, with a picture, he could be my son's twin! Dragged my son away from the tennis and showed him and now he is all of a dither not knowing whether to send him a message or not. The problem is that I was told by the social worker that his brother's adoptive parents were not going to tell him that he was adopted, this would be forbidden now but was allowed back then

Surely by now a 29year old would have found out that he was adopted when he applied for a passport etc.,? But, just say he doesn't know, and he gets a message from someone telling him he is his blood brother, how would he feel? could mess his whole life up. Hmmmm decisions, decisions, what do you all think?

 

Tessa

[jess]

I guess this depends on whether you subscribe to consequentialism in which case it would be better for everyone for you not to contact him, let him be as it would not only affect him but everyone else in his life,

 

or kant and message him because it is the right thing to do and stuff the consequences.

 

~Personally, I would not contact him. If I contacted everyone I found on facebook my life would be a complete mess I am sure of it!!! Way too many exes lurking about.

 

The choice is yours!!!

Edited July 7, 2008 by Guest

[Egluntyne]

Difficult.....when I contacted my birth mothers husband I just said that I was trying to find XXXXXX to whom I had reason to believe I was related....and he clocked who I was straight away.

 

Maybe you could try a similar approach.

 

I'd be ever so surprised if he didn't know he was adopted, people are far more open about these matters now, and would in all likelihood be intrigued.

 

I'd certainly dip a very tentative toe in.....but be prepared for the fact that he might not welcome the overture after all.

 

Best of luck....and I hope it turns out well if you do go ahead.

[Guest]

still waiting for you to add me

 

**edit** sorry Tessa, didn't read all of your post and after having read it, my comment seems a bit flippant.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to make first contact like this via facebook. Best to through the proper channels, in my opinion.

Edited July 7, 2008 by Guest

[The Dogmother]

What a find Tessa.

 

If it were me, I'd make tenative contact first.

[BeckyBoo]

What a difficult one. I'd also be thinking of how your and your son would manage if you decide NOT to contact his brother. Will you be able to just "let it go" knowing that you know how to contact him, that you've seen a picture of him, knowing that your son has a blood relative out there. I'm trying to think how I would feel if I was the other lad. (I have absolutely NO experience of this at all btw) but I would want to know. And if I was you and your son I don't think I could leave it knowing what you know now.

Good luck whatever you decide, very tough. And if you do decide to contact him I hope you get a good reaction

 

Mrs B

[Louise]

I have had a few people contact me via facebook with the sort of are we related because my surname isn't that common

 

I have been fine with this and usually go back and explain that I don't think we are related and that I only have the surname through my ex

 

It wouldn't bother me too much if one of them was a distant family member either you can choose to respond or not if you want to

 

I would go for it - fate is a funny thing

[BeckyBoo]

Another thought, surely his adoptive family must be kind of expecting it at some stage? I know people used to keep adoption a secret, but as things have become more open then, even if they weren't going to tell him, they must have had it at the back of their mind that one day one of his blood relations might try to find him.

That said, Facebook seems a very "casual" way to introduce yourselves, although I was contacted after 15 years by someone I used to know and was very glad of the means to the end.

 

Hmmmm, tricky

 

Mrs B

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Tricky one.

 

I found my birth mother through the Australian telephone directory and had to phone a couple of relatives first to get to her. It isn't the recommended route to contact someone obviously, but in my case it worked out.

 

I think now you and your son know, it would be very hard not to do anything. It would also be very surprising if this boy didn't know he was adopted. He may not know he has a brother but hopefully this will be a nice discovery.

 

I don't see any other way of making contact - I went through all the official channels and got nowhere as my birth mother/father weren't on the registers.

 

Perhaps you should make the first move, saying you have an adopted son who looks just like him. He probably won't think "how did she come across my picture?". My mother's brother spoke to me personally and didn't twig even though I was using my mother's maiden name from 40 years ago and said I was a friend from the UK. Having said that, he didn't even know I existed.

 

If he knows he's adopted, he may come out and say it. You'll just have to guage your next move from his response.

 

Good luck. I know how I felt when I had a way of contacting my mother but had to wait for the time difference. Constant knot in the stomach.

 

You are the best kind of adoptive mum - understanding and supportive. Your son is very lucky.

[..lay a little egg for me]

Tricky one.

 

I found my birth mother through the Australian telephone directory and had to phone a couple of relatives first to get to her. It isn't the recommended route to contact someone obviously, but in my case it worked out.

 

I think now you and your son know, it would be very hard not to do anything. It would also be very surprising if this boy didn't know he was adopted. He may not know he has a brother but hopefully this will be a nice discovery.

 

I don't see any other way of making contact - I went through all the official channels and got nowhere as my birth mother/father weren't on the registers.

 

Perhaps you should make the first move, saying you have an adopted son who looks just like him. He probably won't think "how did she come across my picture?". My mother's brother spoke to me personally and didn't twig even though I was using my mother's maiden name from 40 years ago and said I was a friend from the UK. Having said that, he didn't even know I existed.

 

If he knows he's adopted, he may come out and say it. You'll just have to guage your next move from his response.

 

Good luck. I know how I felt when I had a way of contacting my mother but had to wait for the time difference. Constant knot in the stomach.

 

You are the best kind of adoptive mum - understanding and supportive. Your son is very lucky.

 

I think ANH's idea of making contact on the basis of the similarity in their photos is a good way of approaching it. Facebook is always offering names of "people you might know" so there are loads of ways you might have spotted his pic and thought "hey he looks just like my son"

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Tessa the Duchess]

It is tricky Mrs B. I am not actually intending to send messages to anyone btw this is entirely up to my son. I am so in two minds about this that I just wanted to throw it to the wise chickenkeepers and see what they think. I have already warned my son that not only might his approach not be welcomed but he may experience downright hostility

 

With all due respect I think this situation is entirely different to contacting ex's, never a good idea imho. I am particulary interested in the replies from the people that themselves are adopted. Unless you are adopted I don't think it's really possible to understand how important it is to know where you came from, to find your roots so to speak. There is this nagging feeling of "Why, did she give me away?" which leads on to "What was wrong with me?" it can severely mess you up unless you are careful Anyway back to the subject in hand. My son is never going to go through the proper channels. I suspect he will send his brother a message I don't think he can let this go now. I will attempt to have a big chat with him before he does, and hopefully we can draft out something tentative and making it clear that if his brother doesn't want to follow up then my son will understand and never approach him again. Fingers crossed that his brother has discovered he is adopted and that his life is not going to thrown into turmoil

 

Will keep you all posted.

 

Tessa

[Guest]

I am adopted Tessa. Whatever you both decide, I hope it goes well.

 

I've never had the desire to go looking for relatives myself. I've been curious (mainly about looks) but never taken it any further than a healthy curiosity. I have a lovely family, I'm happy and I don't need/want anyone else.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

If your son does make contact, a lighthearted "hey, you look just like me" might be enough to guage the reaction he might get.

 

I wish him well. It's a nervewracking experience but worth it if it works out.

 

I'm waiting for a response from my birth father at the moment. I sent him a letter (via a social worker) but don't know if he will want to respond or not.

[Tessa the Duchess]

If your son does make contact, a lighthearted "hey, you look just like me" might be enough to guage the reaction he might get.

 

Actually ANH this is not a bad idea He could lightheartedly say that he is adopted and always wondered if he had any blood siblings, might work. They do look like two peas in a pod, I will suggest it to him.

 

I found my birth mother all by myself when I was 18, took many hours of pouring throught the records in Somerset House. I did meet her a few times, it started well and ended in disaster I am very glad I met her, but now regret that I didn't have guidance at the time, the folly of youth and all that. She is dead now, I have a half brother that lives in Israel, he has made it quite clear that he wants nothing to do with me, he hated our mother and I think he is scared that I am a clone of her Life can be very cruel and messy sometimes.

 

Tessa

[Egluntyne]

I did my search myself. In fact it was dead easy, and worked out very happily.

 

A couple of friends have also "done it themselves" with equally happy outcomes.

 

On the other hand, a colleage of mine traced her family the "proper" way, through the official channels, and the whole thing was handled so badly by these people that she ended up being completely traumatised...especially by the attitude of one hostile professional who she declared to be barking mad. It wasn't a happy experience for her, altough things have improved.

 

I'd go for the "hey, you could be my twin...I thought I was looking in the mirror" approach and see what developes.

Edited July 7, 2008 by Guest

[Cooks]

I am not adopted, but wanted to wish your son well with his journey whatever he decides x

[hils78]

Wow what a find!

I've got an adopted friend here (she's 35 so not much older than your son) & I just asked her how she would feel being contacted like this. Her response was - 'although I've never wanted to actively find a blood relative because my upbringing was fantastic & I have no need to search for anyone else, I've always fantasised that someone would contact me which I secretly long for - that way I won't offend the wonderful family that adopted me'.

 

Good luck to you & your son. xxx

[hilda-and-evadne]

I joined facebook yesterday just s ...

Anyway just out of curiosity I typed his brother's name into the search (I know the surname of the family that adopted him) and hey presto there he was, with a picture, he could be my son's twin! Dragged my son away from the tennis and showed him and now he is all of a dither not knowing whether to send him a message or not. The problem is that I was told by the social worker that his brother's adoptive parents were not going to tell him that he was adopted, this would be forbidden now but was allowed back then

Surely by now a 29year old would have found out that he was adopted when he applied for a passport etc.,? But, just say he doesn't know, and he gets a message from someone telling him he is his blood brother, how would he feel? could mess his whole life up.

 

I am not adopted but I know a man who was separated from his full brother when their mother decided that one of them would have to be raised by nuns as she couldn't manage to bring up both of them. He is very glad to have been reunited (although at a younger age than your son): he describes his brother as his best friend. If no contact at all is made with your son's brother, I don't know how all of you could go through the rest of your lives never discovering whether or not they would have become close friends and had richer lives for knowing each other. It needs approaching sensitively, of course, but don't wait too long to make contact.

 

Also, and this occurs to me because something similar has happened in my family - what if either your son or his brother in later life needed a bone marrow transplant, and the one person who could save him was "let go" and lost sight of?

 

Edited to shorten quote and add - I think the risk of messing his (the brother's) whole life up is quite small. Life does bring the occasional shock but young people are fairly resilient.

 

Gosh - until this moment, I could not see any point in the phenomenon that is Facebook. But I am still not going to join.

[Joojoo]

Wow. Your son must be going through so many emotions at the moment (and you too for that matter). I just wanted to say very best of luck in whatever you decide to do, and I hope it works out well for you all.

 

xx

[lizinsa]

I am not adopted but perhaps think a tentative email of 'I'm trying to trace xxx' may be the way to go. If he knows he is adopted he's likely to respond if he wants to make contact. I'm not sure how your son would have seen his photo to do the 'you look like me' line

 

In this scenario I think facebook could be really useful and a way of making contact without rocking the boat too much as no one will ask who was on the phone/who was the letter from etc from traditional methods.

 

Good Luck to your son and please keep us posted!

[Tessa the Duchess]

Well nothing really exciting to report, my son is still "thinking on" Somehow my son managed to open his brother's profile without becoming his 'friend' no idea how you do this, but he did. We discovered that they are both 'gooners', they both love cooking and eating and both love playing pool. Their musical tastes are different and his brother actually reads books, which my son rarely does Both their girlfriends were born on the same day At the moment his brother lives in Norfolk (lucky thing) but is moving to an area in Herts which is not that far from London. There are loads of pics. on his brothers profile and we noticed on one pic that they have identical moles on their faces.

 

I was in two minds whether to post about this on the forum, but I am so glad I did, you have brought up many points that even I hadn't thought about, all of which I have relayed back to the boy. It is up to him now. Personally I wouldn't be able to resist contacting him, but it is not my choice.

 

Tessa

[The Dogmother]

The likenesses you mention are just so spooky; I hope that your son does get in touch.

[hils78]

Thanks for the update - every time I come on I look to see if you've made contact. How does all of this feel to you?

Its really strange that their girlfriends have the same b-day!!!

Keep us posted x

[Ain't Nobody Here]

How nice (and reassuring) that they have similar likes - and the coincidence of the g'friends is amazing .

 

I look very like my birth mother, which was really spooky for all her family. People who met me without introduction, knew straight away who I must be. None of her other kids look like her at all

 

I wonder if your boy will have similar mannerisms? A very good friend of my mother's was amazed that I had a couple the same as her.

 

I hope, whatever he decides, it works out well. It can be an amazing experience.

Edited July 9, 2008 by Guest

[Lewis]

You could look at his friends, and find his adoptive parents and ask if they have told him he is adopted yet?

If they have told him it could be easier to make 1st contact.