Cate in NZ Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Sorry, not at all chicken related- give me simple pecking order nonsenss any day, I can handle that, but I'm worried about my son, and whilst I think bullying is really a bit too strong and emotive a term for what's going on I just wondered if anyone else had any experience/ advice, because I want to help him deal with this without going off the deep end and making it worse, Seb's just coming to the end of year 8, he is quite a quiet child, probably a bit overly sensitive at times, doesn't take criticism or teasing particularly well, can, on occasions be a bit to easy to tears, wears his heart on his sleeve a bit, and always tries hard to please. I can't be too critical of that, I can be a bit like that myself, although sometimes I find myself getting a bit exasperated, along the lines of toughen up sunshine, but that's just not his personality. He's not the brains of Britain, but equally he's a bright lad, has the potential to do well if he tries, and he works hard at school. But all that has made him a highly attractive target to 1 particular boy. They know each other from Junior School, and now catch the same buses to and from school, and it's on the bus that the trouble invariably happens- things like teasing, name calling, today his contact book has been stolen, from his back pack when he wasn't watching, then it was tossed around the bus- and not returned to him, at school it's more name calling, tripping him up in the corridor if he walks by without paying full attention, but generally school itself isn't too big a problem because they're in different classes with different friends and paths don't cross too much, Don't get me wrong, there's no physical violence, and really the pranks are juvenile and very silly, but it's really beginning to get him down, and equally Seb's no saint I'm sure, it's probably not entirely one way, but I strongly suspect that whatever's going on between them there's only 1 of them getting upset . I'm thinking of approaching the other boy's Mum, I know her by sight, and we have a mutual friend, from whom I've just got her phone number, but the friend says that the Mum's had some major problems with her son's behaviour recently, and might not be at all receptive to me approaching her. In fact friend said that she was likely to get quite angry . I'm not at my best today, still not heard from hubby, so not in the best frame of mind to be sensible. What do you all think? Any sensible advice? Am I over-reacting, is this just 13 yr old boys, or the possible start of a bigger thing to be nipped in the bud now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 I've had this sort of thing since my youngest started primary school. He's off to secondary school in September and we're hoping it ends there. My eldest son's school has a wonderful anti-bullying policy where bullies are forced to face their targets and it works. My advice would be to tell someone at the school - get it aired and they should clamp down on it. We've had name calling, physical violence - you name it, Ollie's endured it and we've spoken to the school so many times I've lost count. They deny there is a problem at the primary school - the secondary school admit bullying goes on and deal with it. Good luck, Kate. I have utmost sympathy for your plight. I posted about it on MrsL's a while ago in Let off Steam if you want to read what's been happening so you don't feel so alone. My best wishes to your son. It's an awful thing and I hope the school act promptly and it stops here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Hi Kate, Probably best to sleep on it tonight until you feel in a more positive, open frame of mind. Let things return to normal with your hubby, and talk it through with him when he returns. I was bullied terribly at school, to the point where I had the occasional black eye. My parents, especially my Dad, were fantastic, and really stood by me. They went to speak to the boys parents - who sound very similiar to the parents you mention - and spoke firmly but calmly about the boys behaviour. (They were a very 'unruley' family to put it mildly) My parents also taught me how to stand-up to the bullies by not showing fear, but by also not getting physically involved. My friends were also a great source of comfort, so I do hope your son has a good circle of friends. You know the web-site Friends Re-united? I spotted one of the firls who bullied me on there. I read her notes and she talked about her two beautiful boys who were ready for schooling. I wrote to her and said that I really hoped her two boys never had to experience the nastiness and pain she caused me. I definalty grew up to be the better, stronger person. Your son will get throug this with support from you both and the school. What a topsey turvy time you are having Kate - lots of love to you Do speak to the school, and don't be fobbed off. Bully is the worst, and can damage somebody for life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Kate - I agree it would be best to sleep on it as well. Nothing much will happen in the next couple of days and you've had a difficult day today and a few more ahead with your OH and his job. Good advice from Gina and Kate - just give yourself time to think about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emma Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 I have just had to deal with a very similar situation with my son. Tom can be very sensitive and finds criticism hard to cope with and has been known to cry and shout when tackled. However he is a happy child with plenty of friends.One boy who he's known since he was 5(he is now 15) has got in with the wrong crowd and decided to have some 'fun'as he called it with Tom. Basically he would goad Tom and intimidate him until Tom would blow his top and cry and get very cross. Hence Tom would then get told off by the teacher and the other boy would get away scott free and laugh about it. He and his friends would then tell the rest of the year group who would laugh at Tom for crying in class. Luckily he has a fantastic tutor group teacher who has sorted it out. At parents eve last week Tom's tutor told me that the school is keeping a close eye on this other boy and his mates incase they decide to intimidate any one else. I am very proud of Tom for telling me and his teachers that he was upset about this. You should be proud of your son too for letting you know. So many kids and adults who are bullied become too frightened to tell anyone. My advise would be not to speak to the mother directly but to get the school involved and get them to help stop this happening. Good luck and tell your son i think he is a very couragous boy for telling you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola H Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Hi Kate, I am having problems with my 14 year old at the moment..........He was bullied at primary school 1 held his legs another held his arms while another child tried to strangle him, he spent more time at home than at school until I finally went into the school and had it out with them, the headmistress said she didn't want to upset the other childs parents and didn't do much about it. Tom's form teacher arranged a meeting with myself and the other parents they didn't show up, in the end we removed Tom from the school no other school in the area had a place for him so we sacrificed a lot and payed for him to go to private school what a totally different place that was.............He loved it even the discipline "Ooops, word censored!"ody stepped out of line. Unfortunatley we have just been through a similair incident at his Grammar school Tom has been suspended for fighting, he has been able to return now that the school have investigated it properly turns out that he was sticking up for his self and hit the boy back, but a little too hard he tried to walk away like he should but the other boy just kept on at him and the rest of the class encouraged them to fight...........Sorry I have gone on a bit, I think yes sleep on it calm down but don't leave it like I did your child could end up losing so much of his education, I don't know whether I would confront the parents I did and nearly ended up getting thumped myself. Good luck Kate I hope this helps I feel for you and your poor son, stay strong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cate in NZ Posted July 7, 2005 Author Share Posted July 7, 2005 It's a bit scary how common the bullying experience is isn't it Seb doesn't want me to speak to either parents or school right now. He's only got a week left at school this term because he's got a school English trip to Leeds for the last week, so I'll drive him to and from school as much as I can next week, and try to keep him out of this boys focus. I have a meeting (target setting) with his tutor on the first day of term, so may air my feelings then- not sure yet. Don't know whether to speak to the parents or not, I think I'll play it by ear, but I don't want any more of these incidents. I believe the school has a very firm bullying policy, not had any reason to get too closely acquainted with it to date, but hubby is a school governor and has expressed admiration for the way the school deals with bullying, maybe I'll get to experience it first hand. And I don't want to overplay this really, it sounds like pranks and silliness getting out of hand, but Seb does make quite an obvious victim. Of course, most of this is happening off school grounds and out of school time. Anyway, thanks for all the support and advice. What a horrible day I've had, tearful sons, absent husbands and to cap it all daughters PE skirt has chicken poo on it Somehow it blew off the washing line, and it looks like it got chickened. And she's got a rounders match tomorrow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 well, that's your three things Jane - no more disasters hopefully for you today. Hope all works out for you and your son x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Oh, sorry Kate, I called you Jane. Brain in the bin tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Kate what a tough one. We've dealt with similar here with Jonathan my middle son, it's the sensitive ones who often get chosen because they show their reactions I guess. Might be worth letting Seb lead the way and ignore it now till the end of this school year, since it'a so close. But obviously he shouldn't be in a position where this goes on much longer. Maybe after the long holiday the other boy will have sorted his problems out or find some one else to pick on, if not I'd start by approaching school even outside school they should take this kind of behaviour very seriously Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Autism Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Hurray for sensitive, kind, caring young men Why is always the nice lads who get picked on I tell my 13year old Dan all the time that I'm really proud that he can talk to us (as obviously Seb has) and I think this is the key to tackling bullying. It's when they don't / wont tell you that it gets out of control If you think it's unacceptable then you should talk to the school (form tutor first) and take it from there. I have done this twice with great results. I thinks schools are more prepared to confront bullies than when I was a school. Don't leave it to escalate Be positive and keep telling him what a great lad he is. Remember most bullies have been or are bullied themselves-don't let them grind you and Seb down-life is too short Jane x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola H Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Gina wrote: You know the web-site Friends Re-united? I spotted one of the firls who bullied me on there. I read her notes and she talked about her two beautiful boys who were ready for schooling. I wrote to her and said that I really hoped her two boys never had to experience the nastiness and pain she caused me. Gina you should read Ben Elton's new book called Past Mortem......It really stuck a cord with me, like you I was bullied at school by one girl she had the cheek to invite me via friends- reunited to the school reunion I like you told her what I thought of her and how she made my school life hell.......I won't tell you what happens in the book but it is worth a read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 I'll have to add that book to my pile Nicola. I like Ben Elton - his books are very well written, one of the few fiction writers I can read. I loved his 'Big Brother' one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Autism Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Gina, Nicola, The saying is true..........What goes around comes........................................................... yep, you guessed it Bet that made you feel gud Jane x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola H Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Jane it did I invited her to my house just to see the look on her face.............I definitely had the last laugh.... I have explained this to my Tom told him to ignore the bullies and get good grades then in later life when they are struggling to get jobs he can look back and see how silly they where to waste their time at school.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Autism Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Nicola, What great advice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Imogen Posted July 15, 2005 Share Posted July 15, 2005 I know this is a bit late to post, and I'm only 15 (nearly 16 - birthday will be here next month) but... I remember in yr 7 a few people started randomly picking on me because of my name, which was a terrible blow at the time and really shocked me, because I had grown up all my life loving my name and getting compliments for it a lot of the time. I think I cried at the time, and I told my mum as soon as I got home, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised how petty and annoying the people were being to me. I think in those first few yrs of secondary school, 7,8 & 9, the bullies are trying to establish who is weak, who they can pick on and what kind of kick they can get out of it. It's sickening, but I decided then and there that I wasn't going to be picked on. I'm known as a strong and firey person, and I think that all stemed from the moment they picked on me. I stood up for myself, and ignored them for the rest of the week. They grew bored and moved onto someone else, and when they came back to me, I was ready for them, and responded with an equally powerful remark. This shocked them that someone would ever stand up to them, refuse to flinch and throw any remark back in their face. They backed down quickly, and I've never had any trouble since then. That was all 5 years ago, I can barely remember the experiance, and I'm in a group of friend who many envy, because we all have an amazingly good time, and none of us hate school because we know we'll get there and be giggling from 9 til 3. I know it's different when it's boys, because boys are usually more violent and girls are more catty. But the people who picked on me in year 7 were all boys, and I still stood my ground and had the mental ability to not let it phase me. It's obviously much easier to say than do, and I remember being nervous at first, but I soon found my feet. I'm sure Seb will be able to look back on this experiance and realise they actually did him a favour, and he's much more stronger now and has moved on. As the years go by, I'm pretty sure fights will even out - like I said before, the first few years at secondary school are always rocky while people try and work out their friendship groups. Good luck to Seb - all I can say is the boys that bullied me gained nothing from it, recieved quite a shock when I stood my ground and didn't let them have the satisfaction of seeing me cry for the second time, don't have half the amount of friends that I do and certainly don't have as many dreams, ambitions and achievements to their name Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna 1 Posted July 15, 2005 Share Posted July 15, 2005 You go, Imogen! I really admire your fiestiness. (and I think yours is a very pretty name - it was on my list of girls' names when I was pregnant - although I ended up having a boy!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted July 15, 2005 Share Posted July 15, 2005 Very well said indeed Imogen. You are so right that if you don't respond how they expect you to that they'll get fed up and leave you alone. We explained that to Ollie a while back and he found in some cases that it worked for him. Responding with a sharper remark helps in some cases too and you soon learn who you can use that on. The ones who don't give up under any circumstances need the intervention of teachers or headteachers and hopefully that puts an end to the bullying too. So glad you won, Imogen. Great feeling, isn't it and so glad you've got such a wonderful rock solid group of friends now. Have fun with them, as I'm sure you do! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Imogen Posted July 15, 2005 Share Posted July 15, 2005 Thanks!! There is never going to be one way to respond to bullying, because all bullies are different - it's like trying to treat every illness with one medicine. It's just a shame it's so common and it really ruins some peoples livelihood at school. I think as long as you have good friends to help you, it really does help, although even then it can fail I remember maybe one year or more ago, my closest friend and I at school finally went our different paths after the unspoken girls rule 'Boys will never ruin our friendship' was broken!! Our boyfriends didn't like each other, and eventually her boyfriend started being quite mean to me, which I didn't put up with for more than a minute! I went to my best friend and started to tell her how I'd always be there for her but I could not be with her whenever her boyfriend was around because he was truely obnoxious to me, but she didn't even let me finish my first sentance! When I knew she would no longer listen to me, I just gave up and moved on. It was sad at the time, and we both cried and argued for over a week, but I think friendship groups need to be adjusted and changed over time as you gradually get sick of each other. We're perfectly pleasent to each other now, and I guess I learned the limit to how much nastiness I could take before deciding 'You know what? I really don't deserve this, and I'm not going to allow you to be mean to me anymore because I'm worth so much more'. I think that's actually another good tool against bullying - self-confience. If you believe yourself to be a really good person, than you learn no amount of bullying will be able to take that down. Again, that's easier said than done and takes a lot of hard work to get there. Hmmm bullying is tricky. I think school's could do a WHOLE lot more to make it better but I guess it's hard to work out how. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted July 15, 2005 Share Posted July 15, 2005 Well said again, Imogen ! I agree totally about the need to change friends every now and then - it does do you good and stops friendships getting stale and boring. You're wise beyond your years, m'dear . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cate in NZ Posted July 15, 2005 Author Share Posted July 15, 2005 Yes, Imogen, thanks for all your comments, lots of really good advice there. Seb's now broken up for the summer holidays (phew!) and feeling happier. We've had some heart to hearts about how to deal with this particular boy who's causing all the trouble and his little coterie of hangers on, and hopeully he'll be feeling stronger next term. I hope I'll get him to read your posts in the morning. By the way I like your name so much that Seb's younger sister shares it I think they both got mildly teased about their names at one point, but only because they have always been the only Sebastian and Imogen in their respective classes at school and it was a teasing the person who has something slightly different about them kind of thing. It was, luckily, never a problem. Choosing those names was probably, in part, a knee jerk reaction from me being fed up of there always being several other Kates wherever I go But also I think they're lovely names Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 Imogen, what sound advice. It's always so much better to have someone's opinion who can relate directly to the problem, and what a gorgeous person you are! If I was you, I'd be very proud of myself I went though a similar time at school, but it was such a long time ago, you tend to forget the details - you are proof that bullies are weak people, and inevitably end up with nothing. They have no ambitions of their own as they've been too interested in making others people's lives a misery to care. Who wants to have people like that as their friends? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 There are 4 Kate's within 3 streets of me here! Loads of Kate's keep chickens too!! I think Imogen is a lovely name. Can't think of anything wrong with it at all. Ollie gets teased by boys who call him Olivia but he's learned to turn their names into girls names too and that stops them - Jack -> Jacqueline, Sam -> Samantha etc! Aren't children nasty sometimes ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Imogen Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 Thanks! Going into the 6th form now is really good, because a lot of the nasty people are being filtered out. Having said that, I can't think of anyone in my year who has been bullied this year - I think we've all settled down. I wouldn't change my name to anything else because I love it so much, but at the time, I found it very hurtful Right - off on holiday with my parents and my friend in a few hours!! Going to miss my chickens a lot!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
