The Dogmother Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 This one made me laugh on a wet and dismal friday morning... Subject: FW: A true Story An actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times: Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire income, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, l am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client (Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman. 'Atta Girl) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyHen Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 Love it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 What a girl PS The weather here is fantastic, very warm and sunny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted September 29, 2006 Author Share Posted September 29, 2006 Liar, pants on fire Debs. Bet you've got what we have - dark as night and thundering. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 Marvellous. I intend to be equally formidable when I am in my nineties. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 We had the most bizarre weather at lunchtime; it was raining and we had brilliant sunshine It has now become overcast, but still very warm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 It makes it no less funny, but just for accuracy's sake, this letter wasn't written by a 96 year old woman... It was written by Peter Wear, a columnist for the Courier Mail in Brisbane, Australia, for that publication's "Perspectives" column. The letter was not actually sent to a bank, it was a humourous piece from start to finish, albeit one inspired by the author's having had one of his cheques bounce. Mr. Wear's sardonic offering about the over-mechanized joys of banking as experienced by the consumer was written in January 1999. there is also an americanised version that does the rounds that claims to have been published in the New York Times and has quotes from Woodie Guthrie inserted. more on this at snopes... (an excellent site for checking out anything you receive by email..) http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/takethat.asp (but it's still very funny!! - if you post it to anyone else - then Peter Wear should get the credit!) Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnieP Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 Doh Phil, you're such a kill joy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 I know... but I think Peter Wear deserves the credit for a very funny piece.. it doesn't make it funnier to pretend that it was written by a 96 yr old woman, does it?? Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnieP Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 He would, if I knew who he was........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...