Chicken pecking

[The Dogmother]

Just got sent this, by a man, in case you can't tell ....

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

 

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

 

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

 

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a

restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henry Youngman

 

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

 

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

 

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second

one didn't."

Patrick Murray

 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once

Anonymous

 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he

received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

 

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's

still alive."

[Paola]

*groan*

[Mel (& Paul)]

I'll counter that

 

 

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

one

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

but only if you slice him really thinly

[The Dogmother]

I like that one Mel

 

You can't complain though, your (& Paul) is a dab hand at DIY.

[aqualiv]

I love the going out for dinner one and the happy for twenty years until we met

 

Olivia

[gooner.girl]

What about this one then.....?!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the answers...

 

The questions are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

 

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

 

 

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

 

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

 

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.

b. Football.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you.

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

 

 

Question # 2: Do you love me?

 

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is In order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

a. I suppose so.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?

 

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

 

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.

e. Moo!

f. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

 

 

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

 

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

 

 

Question #5: What would you do if I died?

 

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

 

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: Yes, I would.

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

[Christian]

hehe

 

C x x x