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[j00lz_12366]

I've come here to ask for advice because I've always been aware that people here not only have a range of experiences but give damned good advice..I hope that's ok

We have been informed that a close family of my partner has been arrested this week. He will be charged soon and will b pleading guilty

This will b in local papers-he lives near us, it will be horrendous-my partner is supporting his brother, but not what he has done, i cannot donthat, I will be happy to never see him again

Has anyone ever had to deal with this type of thing...I can't give details, sorry

[Looney]

Sorry to hear this I haven't been in this situation but know people that have been in similar.

 

Firstly, you must remember that your OH's brother's actions don't reflect the way you live your life or you as a person. You have no reason to change the way you feel about his actions or him however your OH is doing what he believes is best and will probably need your support regardless.

 

If and when the news hits the papers, try and carry on as normal. Obviously not knowing the details it is hard to gauge how big the news will be and what the level of interest/shock/criticism in the community will be. If you are questioned about the story by local folk perhaps a practised line of something like "I can't condone his actions" will be useful. Hold your head up high and walk on by.

 

Hopefully others will have words of wisdom for you. X

[Cinnamon]

There are a few bad seeds in my family too.

We tend to be of the mindset that we can rise above it,do the right thing ourselves & refuse to allow guilt to make an appearance.

Sadly one person in particular actually stole from us (we have a business),so that was hard,but we decided to cut them off totally.

It is hard sometimes - a recent funeral of a close family member was especially tough & I know that some family members feel in the middle of it all,but we have to do what is right for US & for OUR children.

[CatieB]

In my experience it will not be as horrendous as you imagine. In fact the worry is probably worse than the reality.

 

Firstly people that matter to you or know you will not judge you by his actions. You may have to develope a thick skin to others but you should try not to worry about judgemental people.

 

I think that it is a good thing that your partner supports him. I believe that a person is not summed up just their worst action and that most people do not neatly fall into good or bad categorisations. Are you able to focus on other qualities of his, or on him rather than what he did. Particuarly if you got on with him previously?

 

Your partner will need support to deal with the conflicting emotions. If you can not get past what his brother has done then you should concentrate on the admirable quality your partner is showing in supporting someone in a dark time. Depending on the situation (and offence) you may find support groups out there.

 

I am sending you best wishes. As Looney said hold your head high.

[Cinnamon]

Absolutely - anyone who judges you by a relatives actions must be very shallow & not at all worthy of your friendship in the first place.

 

PS: It is my Husbands brother who is the bad'un in the family too!

[majorbloodnock]

I have to admit I've never been in that position, so nothing I write here is from a position of authority. However, there are several things that struck me.

 

First is that anyone who knows you well enough to know the connection with that person should also know you well enough to judge you for yourself. If they choose not to, their judgement is inherently faulty, so isn't worth a damn.

 

Second is that we each have to live our lives in such a way that we can sleep at night, but we all recognise that sometimes life isn't fair. There have certainly been times when I've been judged harshly for doing something even though I know it was the right thing to do, so I've accepted I can sleep at night and that the bad publicity is just one of life's injustices. Fortunately, those unfair situations work both ways, and sometimes you end up getting credit you didn't really deserve, despite your attempts to correct things. We can never really predict what others will think of us (or why), so give up trying and just concentrate on what keeps your conscience on an even keel. What this relative has done hasn't changed this at all; he has potentially changed the context within which others will reach their conclusions, but not changed who you are or what you do.

 

Thirdly is that your partner is the real relative of the offender, so may well be worrying not just about the vicarious opinions of others, but also of you. It sounds as if you and your partner are talking properly and openly with each other, and if so that's invaluable, but if I were you then I'd take the opportunity to state baldly to your partner that your opinion of him hasn't been altered by what his brother has done. At the risk of stating the obvious, you and he will be able to weather any gossip far better together than you will individually, so take steps to keep it that way.

 

Good luck.

[Willow]

There's been some very sensible words said already. I'd add to that a suggestion that you sit down with your partner and talk about what to say to people who want to talk about the case. Someone is bound to ask and if you know what you want (or don't want) to say it will be easier and whist you can both express different opinions you do owe it to each other to be honest about it. I would err on the said of saying as little as possible to anyone outside of the immediate family.

 

Do talk to your children about the case before it starts at whatever level is appropriate for their age, worse for them to find out from a school friend.

 

If it's a big case the worst aspect might be the media coverage. Be prepared to see papers etc with his picture in. A friend was on trial in a big case and one day I went into the coffee shop and work to be faced with a stand of papers with their face on the front page. The media coverage some days borne only a passing resemblance to what had actually transpired in court. And the press coverage over the trial was awful at times (until the last week or so as they realised there was going to be a not guilty verdict), it passed.

 

As others have said your partner needs to support his brother, it doesn't mean he condones what his brother did and it doesn't reflect on you. Anyone that thinks this reflects on you, or him is not worth worrying about. (Easier said than done I know)

[j00lz_12366]

Thanks all.. I've been to tell my line manager today, not sure what the protocol was, she was fine but has to tell 'big boss' which I am fine with

Now have to go and tell my daughter-who's 21 what the man she tjought of as an uncle-only a recent addition to the family tho-has done

I will talk to my lovely partner about responses, that's a good idea to try and prepare.

My partner has a fantastic cousin who is a trained counsellor-she is not allowed to counsel family but I have asked her is he-my partner can talk to her, she had agreed to this and although obviously his brother is also her cousin she has stressed she will keep confidentiality on this-she hasn't idea what's happened but I made she knows bits ' big ' and that she was welcome to say no...

Off to see my daughter now...what a day!

[Chortle Chook]

I think you are being sensible and wise. I'd just like to say, remember how short all our memories really are when it comes to news about those around us. You won't forget but those around you won't be thinking about it for long. As others have said 'hold your head high' and remember that not everyone who looks at you will be thinking about it or even know about it . . . .you may just have a spot on your nose

Hugs

[j00lz_12366]

I spoke to my daughter yesterday, she was very upset but seemed to be ok-she hasnt known this person properly for that long-18 months or so (my partner and I havent been together for that long-and we have taken things very slowly in concern to my daughter getting to know his family...

Anyway, I told her yesterday, there were tears, and then anger. She is extremely upset by the result this is having on everyone else-my partners mother is very feisty and can easily defend herself, but against this...this is hard for anyone to deal with. My partner and his mum also have to tell his closest aunty tomorrow, this lady is a down to earth ex nurse/midwife/health visitor...but she is also 80...

I am beginning to deal with how i feel, which mainly is anger-at this person who is now leaving us all to deal with all the fallout from his actions. However, my partner is devastated and I am really worried, he is having to organise stuff, support his mum-who is in turn supporting his brother, he will then have to support his aunty-and also put up with the rest of the stuff that will come along when all this gets out.

My daughter is extremely worried that it will be in the papers-locally it will...nationally...i have had to tell her that it might be if its a slow week. Fortunately, neither his first or second name is unusual so wont necessarily come back to us.

We have had to make excuses and cancel a weekly social event-as we used to go as a 'three' and also becvause I am dreading seeing people when this comes out-i'd rather see people in smaller groups rather in a huge public place as we normally do...

All this because of one persons actions...I am so angry right now!

[Willow]

Totally understand why you are angry, it is going to be tough when he comes to trial to support your partner. But at least his brother is pleading guilty so it shouldn't be prolonged.

 

Even the local media coverage may not be that bad. An elderly neighbour was found guilty of molesting a teenager some 20 years before. I discovered by reading a little paragraph in the local paper. I expected a huge fuss as his garden backs onto a school. But there was no more media coverage. People locally talked about it and he is now a very lonely old man as most people have severed ties with him but the media interest was minimal (perhaps a sad indictment of many are found guilty of child molestation ). A couple of local clubs that he was a member of didn't provide any comments when they were approached by journalists so with nothing to add to the original paragraph media interest in him disappeared quickly.

[C&T]

It's hard for family.

 

If you've known someone your/their whole life, you know all about them. Maybe remember their baby photo's, or a favourate birthday or christmas gift. You remember all the many many good times. Then you have to balance all of that good history, with this one "bad" thing. (Not wanting to trivualise the crime)

 

No one person is one thing. And family have to work out whether to support the "old" person who they knew and loved, or the "new" person who is capable of doing something they never thought they were. Depending on the crime, this is easier said than done. We in the end accepted the family member and supported them - for all sorts of reasons that I cannot go into here, and in any case it is different in each scenario. And my suggestion to you is to support your partner in his decision. It will not have been easy, and there will be many trying times ahead. Make sure you agree a response to unwelcome attention - put on the spot you may accidentally say something that could upset your partner - they will be hyper sensitive!

 

There was a program on TV (BBC) a while back, might be able to find it on Iplayer?? About the parents of serial killers, and their conflicting feelings of love for their child and revulsion at their crimes, and how they coped. I really hope the crime is not at this level, but may help.