Installing Indoor Cat Tree

[Cinnamon]

I am sitting here at my desk in a quandry, & I thought that you lot may be able to clear something up for me & help me reach a decision.

 

My littlest one Cleo (who is 10) came home from School really upset.

A bunch of her pals & her were going to the cinema on Saturday for a little pre Christmas treat.

Another child who is one of those girls who is always in charge of everything & quite the little madam has been organsiing this for a few weeks & there has been a lot of "you can come,but you can't" which I HATE!

 

This child told Cleo today that she was not not welcome on this trip.....& the reason.....Her mother doesn't want Cleo to be there

 

Now, I know I am biased here but Cleo is sweet.She is gregarious & just likes everyone.

 

So, do I believe this child or not, & more to the point do I phone her Mum & speak with her about it (we are on friendly terms,but not close friends)

[Sheilaz]

Isn't life complicated, Sarah! Had you already agreed with Cleo that she was going, and she had discussed this at school with the group of friends?

If so, whether it is true or not, I would work on the assumption that you will go along with your first plans, and anything said since has been exxagerated, misquoted, misunderstood or that the other family is carried away in thinking it is their decision!

Sometimes one sentence can take on massive proportions, so don't let this happen further by over reacting. Imagine, the other mum may had said..I don't know if Cleo's mum has said she can go...translated by 10 yr old as "you can't go".

If I'm being innocent, & it was deliberately unfriendly, your plans should stay the same...rise above it & make light of it with Cleo.

So, I would phone the other mum, but, just acting as if you didn't know about today's development. Keep it friendly, along the lines of checking where & when the girls are meeting. Mention how much Cleo is looking forward to it, is her daughter excited about the treat, how lovely that group are going, etc..just chatty. By doing this you are making your position clear, and Cleo's, without stirring up any bad feeling.

What do you think? Esther had a good friend but the sort who you think will be P.M. one day who really let Esther down one day, and nearly caused me to leave E. abandoned at school thinking that the other mum had arranged to collect E. that day! The girl had actually asked me the day before, with her mum a few yards away getting in her car, so I thought the mum had invited Esther. Turned out it was just wishful thinking on the girl's part, and the mum didn't know. Good thing I needed to phone about something else & found out.

Girls can be so easily spiteful, but it's best not to get stuck on that aspect, try & move it on ...Good luck! Let us know, hope my suggestions make sense in context of your situation.

By the way, I've had some dilemmas today...just the trying to please all the people all the time kind ...but I can't sort that...it's far easier making decisions on other people's.

Plus, I've made you a cuppa, Sarah!

[Nicola H]

Great advice Sheila I think that is the right thing to do...........Hope it goes well for Cloe Sarah.

[Sheilaz]

Gee, thanks, Nicola. I came away thinking...why do I waffle so much and should I alter the spelling of exaggerated. But no, I'll leave it...looks good...exxagerated.....exxxxxagerrrated

[mrsnesbitt]

Too true...I agree with the suggestions given above. I am on my way out Sarah but have poured you a large red wine!!!!

 

Dx

[Mrs Frugal]

That's exactly what I would have said too Sheila .

[Lesley]

And me

[Sheilaz]

Great.....if I post my dilemma, you can all tell me what I would have decided to do if my brain worked when sorting out own daughter. Presumably, you'll all say what I would say if I could manage to find a solution!

PS. Ignore this post, it's too confusing!

[Guest]

My daughter, also an Esther and also 10, has had a terrible time with the other girls in her class. Just over a year ago her very best friend (of several years) arrived at school and told her she didn't want to be her friend anymore. Esther was heart-broken and there ensued many unhappy weeks with the other girls in the class taking sides, mostly NOT with Esther. It was very difficult to know what to do, her teacher was most unhelpful and in fact a contributor to the problem. Even now, a year later, things can go wrong at any time and the girls are still so unkind.

 

Based on this experience, I would not send your daughter unaccompanied into a situation which may be very unhappy for her. I would ring the other girl's mother and find out if there is a problem. If you think this would be a bad move, arm your daughter with a mobile phone and get her to ring you if she doesn't want to stay at the cinema.

 

Good luck with your decision Sarah. Aren't girls "Ooops, word censored!"y? How do we all grow up to be such lovely caring and understanding women?

[clare*]

I know how you feel Sarah. I work at my sons school, last year my son played with a group of boys,one always liked to tell me what his mum thought of my son Ben

 

This little boy was by no stretch of the imagination perfect and his mum had never met Ben. She has told her son he was not to play with Ben and he was apparently a "grotty little boy"

 

It's not nice feeling that your child is being singled out as one not to be associated with particularly when they do not know you

[Cinnamon]

Thanks all!

 

I am glad that I am not alone in having a child who has an issue with another child

 

I am going to phone the other mum & just tell her what has been said, on the basis that if it was MY girl saying that about ME, I would want to know.

I am pretty certain that it is some sort of misunderstanding & I am sure she (the other Mum) will want to know what all the girls in the class think she has said about Cleo.

 

I will let you know how it goes.

 

And yes,Girls are horribly "Ooops, word censored!"y (even the tiny ones )

[Mel (& Paul)]

Oh poor Chloe and poor Esther. Girls can be horrible cant they. I am not in a position to offer any sensible advice (no change there then I hear you cry) as I dont have children of my own, but all the above does seem sensible. I really hope things work out well and yes, your girls are probably lovely girls - specially if they take after their mums

[Guest]

Sound and sensible advice Sheila

 

Oh how I remember all the dilemas when bringing up my two sons. The huge highs and deep lows and waves of relief when it all gets sorted. But that stomach churning stomach when you have to pick up the phone, put on a happy voice and try and sort things out.

 

We are all sending our support Sarah. Looking forward to your post.

[Sheilaz]

Thanks all!

I am going to phone the other mum & just tell her what has been said, on the basis that if it was MY girl saying that about ME, I would want to know.

Best wishes on this, it's not easy.

But, remember, least said is soonest mended. Friendliness is infectious, so if you and Cleo stay calm, hopefully that will spread!

Reckon our children need some chicken keeping friends! Ginette, so sad about the bullying, but delighted to hear of Esther. Aren't we blessed?

[Lesley]

Lauren is going through something similar at school with a small group of girls. They have been 'encouraging' her to do all sorts of things by threatening not to play with her. Of course, she has been in all sorts of trouble and they still won't let her play. Lauren would never tell and the teacher could see no problem (apart from Lauren!)

 

Fortunately the Special Needs teacher witnessed some of this in the playground and has taken Lauren under her wing and she holds a Friendship Group which Lauren has joined. She is teaching Lauren coping strategies and helping her to see true friendship amongst all the spite and bullying. She is a very bright girl and a lot of it is jealousy. These are 7 year olds.

 

It was a bit of a surprise when Lauren came home and said she'd been having lessons with the Special Needs teacher - no-one thought to let her parents know and my daughter had to take herself off to find out what was happening.

 

I hope it all goes well Sarah*

[Cinnamon]

And so it goes on......

 

I phoned the Mum last night & she was very defensive (aren't we all when it concerns our children!) & also shocked that her girl had said that.

 

What has transpired is that there is another link to this chain.

There is a boy who is friends with this bunch of 7 girls that my daughter is involved with.

He sort of has this strange Svengali-like hold over them & they basically do whatever he says....ALL EXCEPT CLEO

She has FAR too much character to be anyones henchman, & he is not liking this one little bit.

So, he said that if "that stupid b***h" goes on the cinema trip then he won't go.

He then went up to poor Cleo & pinched her hard,& she is bruised on her upper arm.

He then told the girl to tell Cleo she was not welcome....hense the "My Mum doesn't want you to come" story & the "It's cancelled" tale when it is going ahead.

 

So, it looks like I have another Mum to phone

 

I feel all churned up inside for Cleo who truly does not deserve all this bother for just being her own person.

[Sheilaz]

Aaaaggghhh......Poor Cleo, who on earth would be that age again?

Sounds as if you're at the root of the problem, but where it will end is anyone's guess!

No advice other than trust your instincts, and be strong for Cleo, keeping up the love & support I can see she has already has from you.

Is Cleo yr 6? I'll be running to you next year, Sarah!

Meanwhile, I'm really low today...I'm fine, it's the rest of them!...but not posting as it's more personal when the offspring are older

So, sending tons of love and support Sarah. (Could you all spare a bit for me too?) Isn't it great knowing we have these friendships here which never diminish, just increase? For youngsters, friendships are so fickle.

[Guest]

I'm shocked that a boy can have that sort of control over a group of year 6 girls. The pinching and bruising needs to be dealt with. If there is a lot of this happening, then the school should be made more aware of what is going on.

 

Sheila, I have older ones too (16 and 13) and I know what a worry they can be. As parents we are not as in control as we are with the younger ones. We have to allow them to make their own decisions, whilst making sure that they know what we think and want them to do. It's very hard. We had a TERRIBLE time in August with my 16 year old and to say I was distressed is an understatement. It is a credit to both of us that we kept talking. I had to put my foot down with an outright, non-negotiable no, but I actually think it made her feel very safe and secure even though she hated it. I even had to confiscate her mobile phone. Everything is fine now! Be a loving, protective and caring mother, that's my advice! Good luck.

[Mrs Blue Sky]

Sarah I feel so sad for Cleo... and she is being really brave and strong to not just go along with the crowd too. But this boy sounds as if he is thoroughly bullying a lot of the children in that playground - what's the school's policy on bullying? If your class teacher isn't helping why not go straight to the Head? I agreed throughly with Sheila's advice earlier on - to rise above the playground politics, deal with grown ups on a grown up level & check arrangements etc, chat sweetly about what a lovely trip - but it is getting a bit out of hand now, and getting pinched and singled out for nasty treatment is just not acceptable.

 

Last Christmas, Emma, my eldest who is 8, got a Christmas card from a girl in her class who she thought she was good friends with, but the other girl had a best friend and sometimes three can be an uncomfortable number, and she opened up this (handmade) card to read "Emma. I am NOT your friend. And that's final." She was devastated. But her teacher was lovely that year, and sorted it out the next day and the friendship is repaired now.

 

But your heart breaks for them doesn't it - they are learning some hard lessons right now about relationships, and it is up to us to help them through - sometimes we let them sort it out for themselves, but other times we have got to protect them from hateful situations like this. I'm interested to know how you get on with this one; do keep us updated.

 

Good luck, and hold your nerve! Cleo is in the right here.

[buffie]

Just seen this and yep I agree with a call. It could be horrible for her to go and be isolated or picked on.Some gilrs can be little ***** can't they.

 

BBx

[Cinnamon]

I'm shocked that a boy can have that sort of control over a group of year 6 girls.

 

I know

 

I think he uses lines like "if you don't stop playing with ***** I will never be your friend again & no-one else will either "

 

The girls (who are in the main very sweet children) just need to learn not to let him get away with behaviour like this

 

His Mum needs to speak to him too - which is where I come in

 

 

Sheila - sorry you are having a tough time.Your advice to me yesterday was invaluable,& it is so theraputic to be able to put a problem into words & know that good people are going to give you sound & unprejudiced advice

 

Love & support sent

[buffie]

Sorry I didn't see all the story until now. I don't know but in my mind the trip should be cancelled by the other mum or the boy be excluded. The trip is controlled by this boy adn not by an adult and that just can't be right. I may be over simplifying it but I think the boy should see that the adults are running the show and his actions don't get results, he'll lose his credibility pretty quick I think.

 

Hope you ge this sorted, not pleasant.

 

BBx

[Sheilaz]

Sheila, I have older ones too (16 and 13) and I know what a worry they can be. As parents we are not as in control as we are with the younger ones.

Sorry, I let my guard slip & it's too late to delete the post! Mine's a real can of worms (don't tell the hens ),..a Pandora's box.

Not the usual teenage stuff, it goes back 8 years but never quite goes. They're great (23,21,18) and it's things to them & around them, so I really can't say more. Sorry it's cryptic, I didn't mean to say, but it's major stuff.

Sorry to hijack Sarah's topic, back to that one...good luck, Sarah.

I'm off for a cuppa! xx

[Guest]

OK Sheila - enough said! But I'm thinking of you!

[SarahJo]

Don't have any words of wisdom .... BUT , can you just do the cinema thing with your daughter, and added surprises and treats, on your own, if she really is excluded. Basically ... 2 fingers up, who needs you anyway, or is this not a great idea . If you can't beat em, join them ... then do it better than them, and have a far better time anyway. .

 

Sorry to hear all the tales of anguish ....... its never easy, and looks like I have alot to learn of whats to come. Hopefully, I will bring Ben and Joe up to be good, kind lads.