Snowy Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Bear with me, my friend is obviously bored today because she keeps sending me funny emails Well I have to share some of them don't I? The Elderly An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?" A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!" Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." One more ... Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful." And before you laugh too hard, just remember - you too will be old one day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jules. Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 This post made me smile, Snowy! It reminded me of this photo taken of me on my 21st birthday as I was on my way to the men's singles final at Wimbledon. The poster is for Help the Aged & says "You could avoid the collecting tin..... but you can't avoid getting older" Quite apt I thought for a birthday picture Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen & co. Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Brilliant! Karen x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Very funny Snowy. I wonder if we'll all be on the forum when we're 86? It will certainly have exceeded its bandwidth if we are! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paola Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Very funny Snowy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Very funny . (How skinny are you, Jules . I trust you still look like that when you wear crop t-shirts .) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jules. Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Very funny . (How skinny are you, Jules . I trust you still look like that when you wear crop t-shirts .) I wish!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Now then, I'm really offended - all these jokes about men who are maybe just the wrong side of the prime of life. Its not fair. and I thought you were a kind thoughtfull lot - I'm really quite upset Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 I wonder if we'll all be on the forum when we're 86? : yeah, well some of us haven't got so far to go as the rest of you ..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 Now then, I'm really offended - all these jokes about men who are maybe just the wrong side of the prime of life. Its not fair. and I thought you were a kind thoughtfull lot - I'm really quite upset Richard if anyone else had said that, I'd be worried ... But as it's you Bah Humbug!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dodge Posted February 15, 2008 Share Posted February 15, 2008 A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators. The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright. The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place." The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart." Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I cr*p like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up until nine." Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word? A. Have the fourth one yell, "Bingo!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...