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joke - affairs

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The 1st Affair


A married man was having an affair with his secretary.


One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.


Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.


The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.


"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.


"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had s*x all afternoon."


She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying thing! You've been playing golf!"




The 2nd Affair


A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.


They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.


The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.


The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.


He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.


He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!”


Have you been fooling around behind my back?"


The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.


He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the most impressive body he had ever seen!


"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive body. It must be saved for posterity."


So, he stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.



"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!" _____________________________________________


The 4th Affair


A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.


"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."


She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.


"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."


"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.


"Oh it's a statue," she replied, the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."


No more was said, not even when they went to bed.


Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.


"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and "Ooops, word censored!"ody offered me a daaaamned thing."




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.


"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."


"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.


He glanced at the menu and asked:


"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"


"A nickel," the barman replied.


"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"


The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."


The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"


The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."



The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.


He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."


"There's no need to, " his wife replied.


"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"


"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."


[Edited in various places by grd. Kaz - you've gone very close on this one. :roll: ]

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A man lies dying, and his wife sits beside him.


"Tell me", he says , "in all our 35 years together, were you ever unfaithful ?"


His wife looks sheepish. After a moment she answers. "It was a long time. In all those years..."


"Yes ?" he says.


"Well," she admits "three times."


He looks horror-struck.


"But," she says, "every time there was a reason."


"Well. you remember that time," you were going for that big promotion and we went to that party with your boss.and the day after you were promoted..."


"Oh " he says "well , I suppose that was for the best for us..."


"And then there was the time after you decided that you were going to start up in business, and you needed the loan and the bank manager came to the house and we got the loan ..."


" Oh." he says, "well, I suppose it was for the best. And we built our life on that business. I suppose in 35 years for that I should be grateful. You have been such a good wife to me. What about the other time ? "


"Well. you remember the time you wanted to be elected President of the golf club and you were twenty three votes short ..."

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