Cube mk2 and WIR

[Guest]

Men are (as some of the women on the list have pointed out) a funny breed... here's a helpful guide that might help you understand...

 

Phil

 

 

Things that make blokes proud

 

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it

effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's

work.

 

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids

makes you the man.

 

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

 

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here

love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

 

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as

you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -

noisy destruction.

 

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on

and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

 

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

 

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron

burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

 

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

 

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

 

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

 

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

 

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ******. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

 

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue,apparently.

Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

 

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the

blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are

now your dad.

 

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

 

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

 

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the

Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only

thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

 

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

 

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do

that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

 

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in

silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the

other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah.

 

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

 

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?"

[Cookie]

My OH has a long piece of wood in the shed solely to stir paint with!! And he's incredibly possessive of it - I occasionally go to throw it away and you would not believe the fuss he makes!

 

Now I know why...its just a bloke thing...

 

Thanks, Phil!

 

Cookie. xx

[The Dogmother]

Well, I don't know about the other ladies on here, but I manage all the DIY ones myself, I draw the line at stubble and hangovers though

[Guest]

Gosh, just a tad sexist don;t you think Phil....

 

Things that make blokes proud

 

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it

effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's

work.I've never had to ask a man to open a jar since I was about 10

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids

makes you the man. Calling someone 'son', in my humble opinion makes you sound like a condescending idiot

 

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.Yeah great - did you read that -'crippling a man' - something be proud of, eh?

 

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here

love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!and cutting your thigh open in the process?

 

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as

you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -

noisy destruction.and I bet a woman helped fill the car...

 

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on

and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard. Having worked in pubs I can tell you that most men who down two thirds of a pint normally either throw it back up against the pub door, or stagger drunkenly out, ready for a fight - dead cool.

 

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.Only a man could find something that sad, cool

 

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron

burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".Typical that a man would want ot show 'war wounds' off - you don't get women showing of their c-section scars...

 

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. 'Birds' Phil???? Really??

 

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".You've been introuble with the police? Hardly worth boasting about.

 

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.Because you're making up for failings else where?

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.And annoy your neighbours with the ridiulous noise

 

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ******. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.No, they do, believe me.

 

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue,apparently.

Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.Only because men have made it a feminist issue

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the

blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are

now your dad.Yeah, very witty, if you are 6 years old

 

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?Nope

 

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.Rugged? Hardly - stupid perhaps

 

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the

Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only

thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.Until some chav runs past and nicks it - much better to put it straight in your purse

 

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."Again Phil - 'BIRDS'?

 

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do

that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver. I've never met a woman that can't park her car properly - forwards or backwords - men on the other hand take up enough space for 2 cars so they have enough room to manouvere out of again later.

 

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in

silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the

other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah.mmmmm, lovely picture - beer gut - why do men think they are attractive?

 

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".Yeah, because we all know that the 'male flu' is a proper illness

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?" I do all the DIY, and can produce the appropriate screwdriver for every occasion.

[The Dogmother]

Thank you Shona! Independent women of the world unite!

 

My Phil (luckily) wouldn't dream of making such comments in my presence - he values his manhood too much

[Guest]

Gosh, just a tad sexist don;t you think Phil....

 

 

 

indeed - and I think that's part of the humour - it's self-mocking...

 

(but, I wouldn't be offended if the mods thought it was inappropriate..)

 

Phil

[Guest]

Thank you Shona! Independent women of the world unite!

 

My Phil (luckily) wouldn't dream of making such comments in my presence - he values his manhood too much

 

 

It always make me laugh that men in pubs think that their cool, and sexy and that all the girlies fancy them, and of course, if the barmaid turns him down she's obviously gay.......

 

Chookiehubbie wouldn't dare make suggestions about any womans DIY skills, or, indeed, call a woman a 'bird'

[The Dogmother]

Tell you what Shona... you hold him still .....

[Guest]

fair enough - someone can delete it..

 

it's self-mocking - the answer to all the questions is supposed to be "no" (of course it is) - it's a light-hearted piece of internet humour that is knocking men (not women) by pointing out men's stereotypical stupid habits and attitudes... it's men-bashing...

 

 

Phil

[Guest]

 

Sorry Phil, but if you can't take the joke put back on you......

[Guest]

Ok - sorry if I missed your point, shona - but your red bits didn't sound too jokey to me...

 

but it's a fair cop - I'll come out with my hands up..

 

Phil

[Ms Cluck]

you forgot the ''Being in charge of the remote control'' and the where ever there is a garden fire / barbeque there is always a male near by with a stick to poke it.

 

Lyn

[Mrs Frugal]

I read that and thought, my goodness, that's LSH to a tee !

[The Dogmother]

Bless his socks!

[Martin B]

Very funny Phil!

[chocchick]

I found it funny Phil

 

Don't touch the random wood in the shed - it is not to be thrown away it has a use

[Cate in NZ]

My hubby must imagine he's a real, real man then. Fiddly little bits of wood to stir paint with Why save those when there's plenty of wooden spatula's, spoons or even skewers to be found in the kitchen drawer

Nah, we have great big chunks of wood left over from some DIY project around a decade ago, but they'll be useful for something, sometime, so we need to keep them Most likely inducing concussion when an unsuspecting child tries to retrieve an old football or something from the bottom of the pile

I like screwdrivers. So sad, I got fed up with hubby's odd, rusting selection, and I've got a lovingly tended collection of screwdrivers of my own, no-one is allowed to share them. Long, short, Phillips, Flathead, I love them

[Karen & co.]

I keep a small collection of tools for my use and no one else knows where they are, cos if they find them they will get mis-laid quicker than you can say 'tool box'

 

karen x

[chocchick]

OH got very tetchy when I talked about the usefulness of his random wood and said it was of more use than the large number (his perception) of shoes I own

[The Dogmother]

OUCH! That was a bit close to the mark!

 

My ex used to use my cutlery to repair his bike/car I had loads of bent and oily spoons

[Hellcat]

I thought it was irony - self deprecation from a man!!

 

However, it is true about the bit of wood, but the hangover is nonsense - every man I have ever known has whinged about their hangover more than any woman I know.

 

And - women are called birds 'cos of the worms they pick up!

 

I thought it was funny, Phil. And coming from you, it HAS to be ironic!

[Guest]

I thought it was irony - self deprecation from a man!!

 

However, it is true about the bit of wood, but the hangover is nonsense - every man I have ever known has whinged about their hangover more than any woman I know.

 

And - women are called birds 'cos of the worms they pick up!

 

I thought it was funny, Phil. And coming from you, it HAS to be ironic!

 

I wouldn't know about hangovers... (errr...) but I have got a jealously guarded bit of wood (in fact - several! - catalogued and arranged in height order - another thing that blokes like to do!) fortunately my missus has never been seen in the shed yet...

 

as for "birds" - I thought they were so named because they got up so early (presumably to do all the cleaning n'such....)

 

Phil

[Hellcat]

Didnt you get enough haranguing already!

[Mrs Frugal]

I like screwdrivers. So sad, I got fed up with hubby's odd, rusting selection, and I've got a lovingly tended collection of screwdrivers of my own, no-one is allowed to share them. Long, short, Phillips, Flathead, I love them

 

I have my very own tool kit, Kate and I'm proud of it like you are! It's got everything I need all neatly packed in a smart orange box. Hammer, pliers, screwdriver with lots of different bits. Trouble is, LSH knows where it lives and uses in instead of his own randomly scattered stuff in the garage ! Men, eh !

[Hellcat]

I did have my own little toolkit. 3 phillips, 3 flatheads, all different sizes, some pliers, hammer etc. This was because the garage is such a disgusting mess, tools everywhere, that when Ians away if I needed a tool, i could never find one. So, when he's home, what does he use? My tools, in the utility room. Now I have 1 phillips screwdriver and no idea where the others are (in the bottomless pit called the garage, I suppose).

 

Nice.