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Advice to cat owners

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Advice to cat owners when giving a pill


1. Pick up cat and cradle in arms as if holding a baby


2. Position thumb and forefinger on either side of cats mouth, gently apply pressure to cheeks whilst holding the pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Let cat close mouth and swallow.


3. Retrieve pill from the floor and cat from behind the sofa. Repeat process.


4. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.


5. Take new pill from foil, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut and count to ten.


6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.


7. Call spouse from garden.


8. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees, holding front and rear paws. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into mouth. Roll pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.


9. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil. Make note to mend curtains and get a new ruler. Sweep shattered figurine from hearth and set aside to glue later.


10. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie cat with head just visible from below spouses armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.


11. Check label to ensure pill is safe for humans. Drink glass of water to get rid of taste. Apply band aid to spouses arm and remove blood from carpet using cold water and soap.


12. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon and flick pill down throat with elastic band.


13. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.


14. Apply cold compress to side of face and check date of last tetanus injection.


15. Ring fire brigade to get cat out of tree. Apologise to neighbours who had to dive for cover.


16. Take last pill from packet.


17. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with twine and bind to leg of table. Wearing heavy duty gloves force cats mouth open with a spanner.


18. Push pill into mouth followed by a piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour water down throat.


19. Get spouse to drive you to surgery for doctor to stitch finger and remove pill from eye.


20. Shut cat out and lock cat flap. Ring vet for appointment.

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