Charlottechicken Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 Just looking for opinions, and judging by the ones I've had already, there is no right or wrong answer to this A colleague's mother has just passed away, she was very elderly. My colleague is also a friend of mine (we meet two other ex colleagues about once every two months for a meal out and chat and shopping). I do not think I should be going to her mother's funeral. I didn't know the lady and there will be plenty of mourners, as my friend/colleague is the youngest of nine. She will also have the support of her husband, children, sisters and brothers and other family members. It is likely to be a fairly large funeral. However, two other colleagues, who are no more than colleagues (but we all get along really well), are going to attend, without the knowledge of my friend/colleague. They see nothing wrong in this and see it as showing their support for our mutual colleague (and time off work to boot). I sort of put my foot in it by saying I felt uneasy about them turning up unannounced, then apologised to them later as I felt if they really think they should be there offering support then they should go, but the whole thing has made me uncomfortable. Incidentally, the two ex colleagues will also not be going as they feel the same as I do. There was also talk in the office of inviting other members of staff who have since left and also taking a wreath for the funeral, which I also think is a bit over the top, although I want us to send flowers after the funeral for my friend. Like I said, I know there's no right or wrong answer to this and am guessing that it may also be a cultural/upbringing issue as to how you feel about it, but just wanted some other opinions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 My personal feeling is that I wouldn't go. It's good to show support for your colleague by messages, a card, etc. but to me the funeral is to celebrate the life of the deceased person and that's for family and friends who can reminisce about that life. I was very touched at the funerals of both my parents, that people turned up who had not seen them recently or who had quite distant connections, for example my SIL's dad, but I'd have thought it odd if someone else came along who didn't know them. I might feel differently if your colleague was going to be on her own, but as you say she's got lots of support - I wouldn't go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C&T Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 Agree with Olly. You can show support by sending your friend flowers/card/chocolates or whatever is appropriate. Sending a wreath to the funeral sounds odd... If there was no-one else going to the funeral, or your friend asked for you to come for support it would be different - but sounds as though it will be a full on family affair, with plenty of people, and will be a chance for all these people to get together and share memories and stories of the deceased. Would have thought your friend would find it difficult if her work colleagues turned up - she would feel compelled to spend time with them all, when she would really want to be with her family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chick wiggle Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 i agree with Olly, you dont need to go to show your friend your support. If you feel uncomfortable about going, and she will have lots of friends and family there, you can send her a card and some flowers to let her know you are thinking of her. If I was your friend i would appreciate that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PurpleTree Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 I think if I'd never met her mother I wouldn't go. I had a similar situation when I was working. A colleague's brother was killed in a car crash, his brother also happened to work in another part of the office. Obviously a lot of people in my office were friends with both of them and were going to the funeral. I decided not to go, it barely crossed my mind that I should go, as I hardly knew his brother and had very little to do with my colleague. A few of my colleague's (one in particular) made me feel terrible for not going, and couldn't understand why I wasn't. Anyway not very helpful, but I think you should do what you feel is right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 If they had no relatives to support them I would go but as you say they have a lot of people and family around them I would not go. When my mother died I was shocked at the number of people from her factory that turned up(standing at the back etc) but me and my family laughed they must have got some time off work to come along. Although we had other things on our minds it did annoy me as it was pretty obvious they were skipping work! I would send her a nice handwritten note and dontation ie charity or flowers(find out what she would like and dont be frightened to ask what they want) We really appreciated all the nice notes we got from friends etc. Hope this all helps indie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 if someone asked me specifically to go and support them then yes, otherwise no. A card and/or flowers is sufficient IMO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A chickychickychick-ENN!! Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 Seconding Poet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenNutter Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 I attended the funeral of a colleague's father to support her, as did two other colleagues - it was a way of showing we cared. He died unexpectedly and was very young, and she is only a young lass herself, so it was all a very great shock, hence the need for support. I think it is personal to your particular situation and to the relationship you have with the person concerned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joojoo Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 Hmmm this is quite a difficult one where I'm concerned. My Dad passed away in June and my two closest friends told me that they would like to attend the service. I really appreciated that. One of them had met Dad but the other hadn't. They were there purely for me. When we arrived at the service, my boss was also there. Now that was a total shock but I can't tell you how touched I was that he thought so much of me and how I was feeling at the time. They all left straight after the service. Perhaps my situation is a little different as I'm a single parent so didn't have an OH there but I think if it's someone that you are very close to then I would personally go. If it's just a colleague without a real friendship then I wouldn't. IMO I wouldn't send a wreath to the funeral but I would buy some flowers for the bereaved person. Jue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 I wouldn't go myself. A card & a few kind words is enough. When my Mum died earlier this year,we deliberately kept it quiet so that just those who knew & loved her were there - it may have felt too impersonal otherwise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 I wouldn't have wanted any friends/colleagues at my dad's funeral but I had all my family there to support me (and vice versa). If you don't have anyone, then it's a totally different situation. Why don't you ask her if she wants you to be there, then you'll know for sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PapaJuliet Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, either. It depends on so many things. I went to the funeral of the son of a colleague. I think 3 of us went from work and a couple of people who used to work with us but had since moved on. We went to show support for the colleague, not because we knew the son. I think it may be different because it was a son, not a parent and the circumstances of the death. It seemed so much worse that it was his son he was burying because you "expect" your parents to die before you. OH and I would also have considered attending Henry Surtees funeral for much the same reason, had we been in the country at the time. As marshals, we were at the meeting where he died (although we didn't see the accident) and we were "invited". But, as I said, I don't think there is a correct answer. PJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlottechicken Posted November 13, 2009 Author Share Posted November 13, 2009 Thanks for your replies folks, I said there was no right or wrong answer As I mentioned in my post I will not be attending, nor will I contribute to a wreath if asked, although I will do a whip round for a bunch of flowers for my friend, to be sent after the funeral, we have already sent a card. Why don't you ask her if she wants you to be there, then you'll know for sure. Unfortunately, she is the sort of person who cannot say no (frequently and to her own detriment), therefore no point in asking as the answer would be yes anyway, she would not want to offend anyone by saying no. Interesting replies and I agree with you all, just shows how individual circumstances can alter the decision (especially Joojoo's, your boss got that right in my opinion). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chucky Mama Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 I find funerals deeply traumatic and so would avoid going to one if possible. However I think that if you had ever met her mother or if she was going to be unsupported it would be lovely to support your friend by going. If you hadn't then I think a card would be more appropriate. My MIL was very touched by those who went to FIL's funeral that she hadn't expected and still talks about it some years later but all had met him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenanne Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 It is difficult. Personally if you don't know the person then the only reason to go is to support those left behind. And if there are plenty there on the day then this is maybe not the best way to do it. On that basis, I wouldn't go in your situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenuk99 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 I agree with the general opinions and feel that the family funerals I have been to have been for those involved the the person. As others have said if they had little family support then yes it would be appropriate. But the thought of it being a reason for time of work feels in bad taste. I dont feel sending a wreath is right either, if it was the funeral of a collegue then yes but it doesnt feel they have enough of a connection. Supporting someone at these times is so lovely but it sounds a bit like an office invasion. Sorry if that sounds wrong, but it was my first thought of what you described. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
