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[foreveryoung]

Hello, Im in the middle of writing up my application form for my access course at college, I have to write a personal statement, I was wondering if you could read it and let me know what you think of it? feel free to be brutal.

 

I would like a place on the access to learning course to enable me to go on to further training to become a paramedic.

Since I was sixteen I have had an interest in health care. I have worked in nursing homes, looking after the able-bodied and those with special needs. I have also worked in Maidstone Hospital as a health care assistant and for care in the community.

To fit in with my family commitments, I have been working in childcare as a childminder for the past two years. During this time I was able to continue working on my education and enrol onto an adult education family Literacy course and passing my level two exam. This demonstrates my commitment to learning and achieve my goal of becoming a Paramedic. My ability to organise my time, prioritising tasks and meeting my deadlines enabling me to achieve this whilst continuing to run a childminding business and raising a young family.

My youngest child will be in full time education from September and I have decided that this is the right time to follow the career path of my choice. Attending the access course would give me the knowledge and understanding to allow me to go on further and train as a paramedic.

 

thankyou

 

Emma

x

[Lewis]

Eurgh, Personal Statements!

I know how you feel

 

When I did mine we were told to give a broad introduction, say why you will benefit them (what you have thats desirable), why the particular course will benefit you, be specific, etc...

 

Its a bit "I have ... I have ..." so try + use a few more connectives and puctuation ...

 

I would like a place on the access to learning course to enable me to go on to further training to become a paramedic. (A bit obvious, and you've said it at the end) I'd just start from:

From a young age I have always had a keen interest in health care, and would like to provide help to people suffering from .....

This has lead to me working/volunteering in nursing homes, looking after the able-bodied and those with special needs; also in Maidstone Hospital as a health care assistant and for care in the community.

To fit in with my family commitments, (I'd maybe put that you chose to do it to gain more experience of working with people instead, etc) I have been working in childcare as a childminder for the past two years. During this time I was able to continue working on my education and enrol onto an adult education Family Literacy Course and succeeded in passing / in order to pass my level two exam. This demonstrates my commitment to learning and achieve my goal of becoming a Paramedic. (Any specific skills picked up, first aid?) My ability to organise my time, prioritising tasks and meeting my deadlines enabling me to achieve this whilst continuing to run a successful childminding business and raise a young family.

My youngest child will be in full time education from September and I have decided that this is the right time to follow the career path of my choice. Attending the access course would give me the knowledge and understanding to allow me to go on further and train as a paramedic.

[Chucky Mama]

I agree Emma, see if you can remove a few 'I's'

[debbier]

My ability to organise my time, prioritising tasks and meeting my deadlines enabling me to achieve this whilst continuing to run a childminding business and raising a young family.

 

Hi Emma,

Sorry if this is a bit pedantic, but that needs slightly re-writing as a "proper" sentence. e.g. if you just replace "enabling" with "enabled" then that's ok.

 

Best of luck and great advice from Lewis!

[TAJ]

A personal statement is supposed to be about you - so I disagree with the 'I' comment - keep the wording personal, not generic.

 

Tracy

[patsylabrador]

As far as I know it's a chance for you to really sell yourself, so you need to tell them how good YOU are.

[foreveryoung]

Hello, thanks for the replies, I have tweeked it a little and am gonna go with what I have and see what happens, thanks again!!

[Clash City Rocker]

Hello, Im in the middle of writing up my application form for my access course at college, I have to write a personal statement, I was wondering if you could read it and let me know what you think of it? feel free to be brutal.

 

I would like (to be considered for) a place on the (A)ccess to (L)earning course (starting in September 2010) to enable me to go on to further training to become a (P)aramedic.

Since I was sixteen I have had an interest in health care. I have (experience) working in nursing homes, looking after (both) the able-bodied and those with special needs. I (gained experience) working in Maidstone Hospital as a (H)ealth ©are (A)ssistant and (also further experience while working in a role) for (the)©are in the ©ommunity (scheme).

To fit in with my family commitments, I have been working in a childcare (role) as a ©hildminder for the past two years. During this time I was able to continue working (to further) my education. (I) enrol(led) onto an

(A)dult (E)ducation (F)amily Literacy course and (I sucessfully) pass(ed) my (L)evel (T)wo exam.

(I believe that) this demonstrates my commitment to learning and (may help me to) achieve my goal of becoming a Paramedic.

My ability to organise my time, prioritising tasks and meeting my deadlines (has further enabled) me to achieve (my goal) whilst continuing to run a ©hildminding business and raising a young family.

My youngest child will be in full-time education from September (2010) and I have decided that this is (now) the right time (for me) to follow the career path of my choice.

Attending the (A)ccess (to Learning) course would give (more) knowledge and understanding (which would then) allow me to (move) on further, (to hopefully) (qualify) as a (P)aramedic.

 

thankyou

 

Emma

x

 

Have you got any experience as a voluntary worker or work experience? as any "unpaid work" I quite often perceived as "a good thing" to have on personal statements

[foreveryoung]

fraid not, I cant afford to work for free, have had to pay my way from my mid teens.

[chickenNutter]

I s there something missing in the area of personal qualities about being good in an emergency situation?