Cate in NZ Posted November 26, 2005 Share Posted November 26, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martin Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 OK, I can't read them all, but this is the most recent bad joke I've heard. I went to the zoo today; but there was only one animal there, a dog. It was a "Ooops, word censored!"zu. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martin Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh. What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cate in NZ Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 I can't compete with some of the truly dreadful jokes on here (love the dog one Martin, ), keep 'em coming These are my (very) humble offerings: Once you've seen one shopping centre... you've seen a mall Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis A lot of money is tainted........ it taint yours and it taint mine. A midget fortune teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Sorry, best I could come up with Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola H Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 We went out for a meal last night and each had a cracker to pull they contained some terrible jokes so I thought I would share them with you............... Q: How do you make a milkshake ? A: Give it a good scare............... Q: What beats it's chest and swings from christmas cake to christmas cake ? A: Tarizipan........... Q: What type of shoes do frogs wear ? A: Open-toad sandals................ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahJo Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 Groan ...... good ones Nicola ..... I love all the sort of predictable, but really silly cracker ones Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted December 3, 2005 Author Share Posted December 3, 2005 Tarzipan! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted December 4, 2005 Share Posted December 4, 2005 Wasn't someone on the forum scared of chimpanzees and marzipan? That'd be a good joke for them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jem Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 I noticed this thread was working its way down the list so I thought i'd just refresh it a bit An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?" A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal. This one will show the oldies amongst us... A bird is nesting in a tree overlooking a field of cows. The cows are shaking like leaves and collapsing to the ground every time they bend down to nibble some grass. The bird says to the resident bull "What's up with your ladies then? Why do they collapse whenever they try to eat grass?" The bull replies "Mad cow disease", then, shaking and twitching, he bends down and with a great deal of effort eats some grass before straightening up again. The bird says "How come you haven't got it then? You seem to be able to bend down okay" The bull says "Ah, we bulls wobble but we don't fall down" There is this bear, right, and he walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Can I have a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic Please?" The Barman replies "Yeah sure, but what's with the big pause?" (paws...geddit???) A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of your best" he says to the bar man. Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies. "Do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I've got one `ere." Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk." "Doctor, Doctor I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual." A bloke walks into a his mates fancy dress party, wearing normal clothes and his girlfriend on his back... "What have you come as?" asks the bemused host. "I'm a tortoise" says the bloke. "This", he says pointing to his girlfriend, "Is Michelle." Hope you liked 'em Cheers Jem Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Dan you really are the expert when it comes to bad jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jem Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Dan you really are the expert when it comes to bad jokes Jem Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Like the 'new' avatar as well Jem - well done, I knew it was just me that couldn't do it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Brilliant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jem Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 I can see now that it's going to become a full time job keeping this thread near the top of the list! What about making it a 'sticky' so that anytime someone needs cheering up they can easily find the thread and have a chuckle? Anyway here's another one from the archives to bump the thread back up again. Incidentally, if anyone wonders why i'm here in the daytime it's because the M1 is closed between J37 & J 36 this morning due to someone apparently jumping off a bridge, perhaps they should have read the thread and cheered themselves up a bit - very sad that someone couldn't face life anymore, ah well. Here's the joke, but somehow after the above it doesn't seem quite as funny as it did. Have a smile on me before you read it A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" Eating chocolate, now there's a thing - has anyone had some of those chocolate orange balls that crackle in your mouth - weird or what? Cheers' Jem Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jem Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 I still can't get to work so here's another bit of reading for everyone... Britain's funniest joke was named yesterday by scientists investigating the psychology of laughter. A total of 100,000 people were invited both to submit and rate jokes as part of a huge experiment called Laughlab. From a collection of 10,000, a joke about Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson emerged the winner, with a top rating from 47 per cent of those taking part. The joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa, from Blackpool, goes like this: Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent." The experiment, devised by Richard Wiseman from the University of Hertfordshire, also identified Britain's worst jokes, and discovered what men, women, and people of different nationalities find funny. One surprising result was that out of 11 nationalities, Germans rated more jokes "very funny" than anyone else. Canada was at the bottom of the list, and Britain in seventh place. Being easily amused is not the same as having a good sense of humour, however. One of the favourite jokes in Germany was: "Why is television called a medium? Because it is neither rare nor well-done." Two chicken jokes were awarded the lowest ratings by 74 per cent of people taking part. One was the joke known to every child: "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side." The other was: "Why are chickens considered good employees? Because they work around the cluck." Big differences emerged between the jokes most favoured by men and women. Top male jokes involved aggression, putting women down, and sexual innuendo, said Dr Wiseman. An example of a male joke was: "A guy walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist said, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts'." Women, on the other hand, preferred jokes involving word play, such as: "A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman, 'A pint for me, and one for the road'." Dr Wiseman said: "These findings reflect fundamental differences in the ways in which males and females use humour. Males use humour to appear superior to others, while women are more linguistically skilled and prefer word-puns." The experiment also examined whether a suitably programmed computer could be funny. It seems generally not - four of five computer-generated jokes fared very badly. But one computer pun did quite well, beating more than 300 human jokes with this offering: "What kind of murderer has fibre? A cereal killer." Laughlab, organised in conjunction with the British Association for the Advancement of Science, is the largest experiment of its kind. Volunteers were asked to log on to an Internet site where they could rate jokes and add their own. The study was launched in September at the BA Science Festival in Glasgow and will conclude in September next year. Other jokes rated as supremely funny in different countries were: France - "You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?" "Absolutely! What's the second question?" Belgium - "Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't." (That reminds me of the one... There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't) Sweden - "A guy phones the local hospital and yells, 'You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!' The nurse says, 'Calm down. Is this her first child?' He replies, 'No! This is her husband!' Canada: "What do you call a woman who can balance four pints of beer on her head? Beatrix." And The Age submits the Victorian version: "What do you call a woman who can balance four pots of beer on her head? Beatrix Potter." Cheers Jem Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard T Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Q: Why did the toilet roll go down the hill? A: It wanted to get to the bottom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 That's a real cracker joke Richard! I see you live in SE London - I used to live in Brockley, right on Hilly Fields Common. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted December 7, 2005 Author Share Posted December 7, 2005 Hey - that's a good idea Clare. Lets have a comp for the worst cracker joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 I can never remember any Gina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted December 7, 2005 Author Share Posted December 7, 2005 Put them in a safe place maybe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Probably, either that or they were lies any way Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard T Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Clare - re Hilly Fields Common - Small world. We live in Charlton, almost on the next page of the A-Z to Hilly Fields Common. I once went for dinner at a house which I think backed onto the common and which I think was in Cliffview Road. It was a few years ago now and there was a lot of gin involved so it's all a bit vague, but I remember that we had chicken for dinner and that it was quite close to the Tesco in Lewisham, where we occasionally go shopping. Richard T Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Dan you really are the expert when it comes to bad jokes Jem put it down to an early morning and a vicious cold - sniff sniff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 That's a real coincidence Richard! I loved that area and the garden flat that we had (shame about the then husband though ). I went back theer last year to show Rosie where I used to live; in some ways a lot had changed, in others nothing had at all. Are you coming to the get together at Kew on 14 January? There's a thread somewhere - I'd love to swap anecdotes about Brockley. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
