Chicken Memorials

[Lesley]

Good reply Clare

[Tina C]

Beach Chick - sounds like you are dealing with things really well - and I understand how you feel - if our situation had been the other way round I would have been furious, like you. I hope the mum concerned was supportive of your efforts to sort things out.

 

Clare is right - no need to take things too far at this stage but warning about withdrawal of something would not go amiss. Fingers crossed your daughter will remember how she felt and things stop now - trouble is they want to fit in don't they, so she may need you to help her to be strong and not join in next time (although I hope there is not a next time).

 

Well done for keeping calm.

 

Our situation seems to have resolved itself but I am keeping a close eye on things.

[beach chick]

Tina, I appreciate your post. and glad to hear your littly is ok at the mo.

 

we've (me and Daddy separately with her) had long hard chats tonight, and I think she is truly sorry. have told her that if it ever happens again there will be a withdrawal of privileges (no Brownies for at least 1 week, mine dont do MSN!) and that she should think about how she could help other children who have been/are being bullied.

 

also scared myself to death by googling 'my child's a bully' - actually, I dont thnk she is, I think she got above herself and I really do hope that this has brought her to her senses. read loads of stuff about self esteem, achievement, etc etc - I think she's basically ok, but wants to make sure she has friends and so is quite 'leadable' (is that a word?). I think a lot of it stems back from the fact that she was bullied herself, if that makes sense? clearly no excuse.

 

god, what a day!

[Egluntyne]

This is such a tricky subject as no two people have the same perception about what constitutes bullying and being bullied.

 

Try not to worry too much....she is just discovering where she fits in the scheme of things and how her social group works.

 

If it was just one incident with a bit of verbal then it isn't the end of the world.....and you can't be certain that her accusers version of events were 100% accurate.

 

Things will seem better in the morning.

[beach chick]

thanks eg, maternal paranoia is to the fore tonight. the other mum is lovely, and so is her little girl. I need to speak to the mum of the other 1 called in with mine I think - who is also v. nice, but her daughter and the other 2 involved are all nice kids, but seem to get away with quite a lot more than mine (in different areas iykwim - mine doesnt eat, but is usually pretty well behaved. wherease the others all seem to eat everything, but are a bit full of themselves. if that makes me sound like a menopausal old bat so be it, but tey are quite cheeky!)

[Cinnamon]

Its never easy being a Mum, is it?

 

I have 2 daughters aged 12 & 14, & bullying has always been a problem for us.

Whether its physical stuff or name calling/exclusion from a group, its never nice.

 

Devon, my eldest, finds it hard to make friends & although she is in a nice group of good friends now there are still people she loathes.

We did find that Primary School was much worse than the larger Secondary School she is at now. I guess there are more people there so its easier to make yourself scarce if needs be.

 

Sadly, Devon has had a problem where a girl has accused her of bullying & as the School have a zero tolerance stance Devon stood accused without the full story being looked into. The accuser is the daughter of a member of school staff, which didn't help, & also meant she could make these false accusastions & know darn well that the school was going to come down on Devon hard.

Luckily I spoke to Devons tutor & it got sorted out.

 

We also had an incident of physical bullying against her when she was in Primary school.

I am afraid that I took the boy to one side in the playground & told him that if he ever hit her again I would go to his MUm.

It worked short term, but started up again after a few weeks, so I wrote to the school Head who spoke to the Mother of the Bully.

Sadly, she did not believe me (or the other Mums whose children had been punched)

When the child went up to secondary school along with all the kids he had hurt he soon began his old tricks, but got suspended almost right away.His mother has now sent him to a different school, which is fine by me!

[Guest]

Try not to worry too much....she is just discovering where she fits in the scheme of things and how her social group works.

 

A bit like sorting out the pecking order perhaps?

[Egluntyne]

It is too easy to condemn natural playground behaviour, with its fallings out and fallings back in again as bullying.

 

One little quarrel and children are hauled in before the head teacher, when a "don't be so silly the pair of you, shake hands at once and make friends" attitude from a parent or teacher would do so much better.

 

Of course anything physical should be viewed more seriously from the outset.

 

To me, bullying would mean a sustained campaign of victimisation by either an individual or a group against another......verbal, physical or exclusion from the group.

 

If a child accuses another of bullying, because schools are so sensitive to the issue, wheels grind into action far too soon, and a sledgehammer is used to knock in a drawing pin, metaphorically speaking.

 

I think some children and their parents can quite like the drama and the being the centre of attention that ensues when an "investigation" begins.

 

This was certainly the case with a child in my youngest son's class at primary school. Her mother fed off the drama and lost all her friends at the school as one by one the children were accused.

 

When the child left, sighs of relief were heaved all round, but she maintained her control over a couple of individuals by phone, ordering them to exclude a couple of children from parties etc. A phsycopath in the making.

 

A one off episode of name calling or excluding an individual from a group shouldn't be labelled bullying in my humble opinion, it is far too perjorative .....In any case these things seldom happen out of the blue. Something triggers it.

 

A sensible talking to would achieve much more.

 

Of course a discrete eye should be kept on the situation and any escalation should be dealt with more firmly.

 

Giving children the skills to walk away from a situation, stand up for themselves without being aggressive, consider the feelings of others and be truthful at all times are valuable life skills which will be of far more value than being carted off to the Heads office on the basis of one child's interpretation of a situation against another's.

 

Well.....that is off my chest. Now for the ironing!.....

[Cinnamon]

A one off episode of name calling or excluding an individual from a group shouldn't be labelled bullying in my humble opinion, it is far too perjorative .....In any case these things seldom happen out of the blue. Something triggers it.

 

A sensible talking to would achieve much more.

 

Of course a discrete eye should be kept on the situation and any escalation should be dealt with more firmly.

 

Giving children the skills to walk away from a situation, stand up for themselves without being aggressive, consider the feelings of others and be truthful at all times are valuable life skills which will be of far more value than being carted off to the Heads office on the basis of one child's interpretation of a situation against another's.

 

That is exactly right & where I think Devons School have it wrong.

 

A child can go & say that another child called them a name (which children do, a LOT) & that child is punished, without the situation being fully looked at.

 

In our case the Schools zero tolerance on ANY behaviour deemed as Bullying was used as a weapon against my daughter, who had done nothing wrong at all (& I fully believe her when she says that she didn't do anything or call anyone a name)