Solitary chicken - need advice

[chickencam]

Currently my YD who is 14 has a 16 yr old boyfriend, they have been together for just over a month and seem very comfortable together. He seems a young 16 and YD has told me that he respects the fact that she is only 14 and that even if he asked anything further of it she would just say no, but she would say that wouldn't she? I have met him several times and he seems like a nice uncomplicated lad who will talk to us he isn't the grunty sort at all. He turned up at our house yesterday afternoon because he knew that YD was off school with a bad cold, he has finished school for the summer having done his GCSE's and is bored. He lives about 10 miles away in the town where YD is at school and had brought a couple of DVD's for them to watch together. It was pretty obvious that YD wasn't expecting him because although she had showered she was wearing a t-shirt and pyjama bottoms and she is very particular about the way she looks and she looked shocked, but flattered when he arrived. He stood at the door and asked very politely if he was allowed in and I didn't have the heart to say no. He stayed for about 3 hours and I spoke to them both about the way it could look contrived etc. and he agreed that it did look bad and he didn't blame me for being suspicious because that was my job.

 

Overall I think that it was a sweet spontaneous gesture which he had thought better of by the time he arrived at our door because he looked very nervous. My concern is the summer holidays when I am at work and she is at home. Most of the time either her older brother or sister or both will also be there but there may be times when she is alone in the house. How have others coped with relationships between younger daughters and older boys, or am I just being paranoid?

 

I also have an issue with my 17 yr old DS who has been talking to a 16 yr old girl in the US for over a year, they are regularly on Skype late at night because of the time difference. They met through a YouTube collaboration channel. Neither of them has had a previous relationship and they get on very well. She wants him to go to Minnesota to meet her over the summer which he has been keen to do, but then got cold feet. He is shy and hardly leaves his room most of the time so it would be a big jump. He has been to Iceland on a school trip and a few YouTube gatherings in this country by train but that is it. We had another long chat with him last night and he is feeling pressurised into going but thinks it would be better to wait until next year when he has done his A levels will have a long summer and time to plan everything properly, he wants to travel anyway, he is a geography nerd and that is his degree of choice. We have said that if it is relationship worth perusing she will understand this and they will still be friends by then. We haven't said no but have pointed out all of the practicalities and pitfalls, but feel a little hypocritical because if it was one of the girls in this situation we would say no straight away.

 

The long and the short of it is why can't life be simple, sorry for long rant but just needed to get it off my chest. ED never gave us this trouble, a couple of week long boyfriends at 14 then just lots of boy friends until now aged nearly 20 she has met someone at uni.

[Cinnamon]

Although it was a VERY long time ago, I do still remember how horrid being a teenage girl is & how difficult relationships with boys were. In fact I don't think I had a boyfriend until I was about 17, but the pain & heartache of unrequited love (& lust) I can remember well.

 

With my girls, I just tried to be supportive really - they always knew & still do know that they can talk to me about absolutely anything & I will not judge them, but try to help if I can. My eldest had a 3 year relationship from age 15, & now has a boyfriend she met at Uni who is lovely & they have been together for a year.

My youngest is a minx who drifts from one unsuitable lad to the next She has also dabbled with same sex relationships, just to keep me on my toes She once dated a boy much older than herself & we decided to just let it fizzle out ,which it soon did, rather than take a stand over it. She was 17 & he was 20.

I honestly think that had we expressed concerns,she would have stayed with him for longer,just to be rebellious!

 

This boy sounds nice & if he talks to you I can tell you that that in itself is a huge bonus

[The Dogmother]

I know how you feel Liz... DD is 15 now and I am trying to keep her occupied during the hols so she's not up to no good; she will be working some of the time and I'll have her here at work doing jobs on the estate too, but she's inevitably going to want time with her friends.

 

I have made it plain that she's not to have friends round to the house when I'm not there (male or female)if nothing else, for insurance reasons as I don't want to be held responsible if there's an accident. She's fairly sensible and we've had a long (and far from easy) talk about the whole situation; while my common sense is telling me not to leave her to get on with it, I don't have much choice and there comes a time when I have to take the plunge and trust her to a certain extent.

 

Do let me know if you find a way to let it work.

[chickencam]

Thanks for the reassurance, even though I know in my heart that I am not alone

 

I have a good relationship with all 3 of my children fortunately, they know that I will always support them. I have drummed it into them over the year that trust is a very fragile thing that once broken will take years to rebuild, so hopefully they will always be straight with me. My OH does tend to go off the deep end at most things that they do though, but will usually come around in the end, I do feel like a referee a lot of the time or mother of 4

 

This boyfriend is a great improvement on the rest who fortunately she decided she had nothing in common with. She is a feisty young lady who knows her own mind so hopefully she will be true to herself.

[The Dogmother]

She sounds a bit like mine then - she had a 'proper' boyfriend (rather than boy friend) at the beginning of the year , he was really lovely, much like your daughter's, but she ended it (much to my dismay as I liked him) as she felt he was taking it too seriously - not that he was pressurising her, juts he liked her more than she liked him.

 

She's seen a couple of lads since,nothing serious, but has decided that most males seem to be after more than she's prepared to give, and has sworn off boys for a bit. She's got enough going on with her studies and athletics.

[Willow]

The boyfriend sounds like a very nice lad, your DD sounds very mature and if older siblings are going to be around much of the time I honestly wouldn't worry too much.

 

And to be honest many of us did stuff as teenagers we kinda wish we hadn't (I do anyway ) and we're fine.

 

My parents were strict, I didn't have a open relationship with my mother and she was very naive about what it was like to be a teenager so I couldn't discuss any pressure I was under or situations I found myself in. A good relationship and knowing you won't blow up at her if she goes further than you're comfortable with is your/her best protection.

 

It's scary being parents of teens though

[chickencam]

Thank you, that is pretty much the conclusion we had come to. I think the worst bit is remembering what we did as teenagers we have also been together since I was 16 and OH was 18 so teen romance isn't all bad

[Mercedes55]

My daughter in law was 14 when she started dating my son, who at the time was 18

 

Apparently her parents were mortified that not only was she dating someone so much older, but that he also had a car and a part time job and they knew very little about his background, as although he was still at school, it wasn't the same school that she went to.

 

One day her mother was confiding in a work colleague about her concerns and this colleague turned out to be a friend of mine, so her mind was put at rest in hearing that my son was a nice boy.

 

Mind you having said all of that I can still clearly recall one day when my daughter in law came over and asked me to colour her hair for her. I was in the middle of washing her hair over the basin when she started talking about her first sexual encounter with my son and it seems she was only just 15 at the time. I was so shocked I nearly dropped the shower hose onto her head

 

They have now been together for 17yrs so it all turned out fine

[Alis girls]

I feel your pain but as the mum of boys. My mum was very strict and religious and made me feel ashamed of my sexual feelings as a teen. ES is very open and tells me too much - I know who's with who and whos doing what and think TMI!! however at least he can be open with me and OH. My mum is spinning in her grave. I can offer no advice except keep lines of communication open. My ES got cross a few weeks ago when I harummped about something and told me I should join the Hamish that made me think. The only thing I tell him is practice safe sex and NO means NO and tell him too many young men have found themselves in court rightly or wrongly accused of all sorts.

Hope it sorts itself out. hugs Ali

[chickencam]

Agree that communication is the key, thanks again everyone.