Attach catio to 4 x 4s

[patsylabrador]

It's been pretty much a year since my parents decided that I was inconvenient and they didn't want normal communication with me. Now apart from the occasional card for events we are estranged. Initially I challenged it but it was difficult to get a response from either of them and I gave up last June.

I've got used to it now and don't constantly fret or bother my mind about it. I suppose it's like any break up, it seems really harsh when it's happening but eases over time. You just don't expect it from family.

 

Silver linings? Definitely.

I am not obliged to attend gatherings which I always hated anyway

My attitude towards a particular family group is no longer monitered and observed - this one is a massive relief, it was actual hard work to keep nodding and smiling and say nothing.

My relationship with my lovely sister who is in the same boat as me. We didn't realise before that we both felt the same,

our friendship has been the best thing to come out of this mess.

My MIL who I told about this a few weeks ago has been a real diamond. Very caring and concerned.

A sense of complete and utter freedom. It's funny how as an adult you still feel you should somehow get approval for your decisions - well, that has gone and it feels great.

I hope this sounds upbeat because that is how it is intended.

 

I should also pay tribute to all the men who have said to me "Your mother's not talking to you? Count yourself lucky mate!"

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I understand where you're coming from. It's almost 2 1/2 years since I've had any contact with my brother, after I exposed his financial abuse of our mother.

 

I'm glad you've found so many silver linings, sounds to me like it's the best thing that could have happened!

 

I struggle to find silver linings. He's made my relationship with 2 of his 4 children (who are 17 and older) very strained, so much so that we're not being invited to my oldest niece's wedding next month. My mother mostly still thinks the sun shines out of his **** even though he barely visits/phones her now he can't get money from her. Like you though, my MIL is great which I'm constantly grateful for.

 

Your post does sound really positive which is wonderful and a testament to your strength of character .

[Cinnamon]

I have a similar relationship with my brother & my father, both of whom dote on each other & see me as very much the black sheep of the family.

I think it is down to jealousy on my brothers part, as we have a great almost mortgage free home & don't struggle with money so much. This is ALL down to hard work & careful spending....neither thing he is good at.

 

I too loath family gatherings & will do my very best to avoid them.

 

We are planning a big move in the future & one thing I am really looking forward to is putting some distance between us & this difficulty.

My sister & I get on better now than ever before, as she can see things from a different perspective & agrees with me that the men in our family are plonkers

[PixieDust]

I have quite a strained relationship with my brother. He has some mental health needs but he knows what he is doing. Years of constant put downs and leaving me to care for our mum whilst he took himself all around the world. He now messes around with dinner invites. He let us down at Christmas and New Year at the last minute then he just turns up at dinner time expecting to be fed at other times. My OH is really losing patience with him and to be honest, I struggle to be with him longer than an hour.

 

He rarely visits my mum in the home. He lives 5 minutes away and I live an hour away, and then blames me for not reminding him which 2 days a week I go there. If he does turn up it is always about 20 minutes before I am about to leave and then when I go he tries the guilt trip that I should stay longer.

 

Everything is my fault and a plethora of excuses.

 

As I mentioned in a post elsewhere, OH may have to move for work purposes. I am not too proud to say our home is linked to his job. His current employer is moving house. OH wants to stay at the farm with the new owners but that is dependant upon them wanting to employ him. We could, in the intrim move if OH gets a suitable job. It could be anywhere and my brother hates this as I will be even less at his beck and call.

 

Sorry I probably shouldn't have blurt this out but the OP has prompted me to speak out and really say good for you and it's not so uncommon for families to be like this. Stay strong.

[Cinnamon]

I meant to add to my post that I am glad those of us with tricky relationships with parents or siblings can see that there are, or can be, silver linings.

 

Can't say how much better Judes opening post has made me feel

[Ain't Nobody Here]

And in all the above situations it seems to me that their loss is our gain .

[patsylabrador]

Absolutely and thank you Cinnamon for saying such a nice thing.

[Willow]

Glad you can see the positives Jude

When you did your original post I thought how sad but that you were right to step back. I could never have seen myself in a similar situation. But a few weeks ago one of my brothers behaved very badly on one of my posts on Facebook. I would have ignored it but he said something about a friend who has suffered so I deleted the whole post so she wouldn't see what he had said and got angry with him. Rather than admit any fault he decided to cut all contact. I was shocked and very upset but having read about some of your experiences on here I was able to think more clearly about the situation and decide that even if I'd known the outcome I would have still protected my friend. Which helped me move on and not waste energy being upset for too long. My only silver lining is I can post on Facebook without always worrying about him trolling my posts. I feel sorry for him because he will regret this sometime and be too proud to apologise. But I can't do anything about that. I apologised to him for getting angry but would not apologise for protecting my friend (who he does not know, he only mentioned her to try and embarrass me).

 

Longer post than I intended, but wanted to let you know that another silver lining is knowing about the experiences a few of you have had helped me in a similar situation.

[Cinnamon]

Ah, Facebook - I truly believe that this is where we see peoples true colours come through.

 

My SIL deleted me when I didn't come to her Hen Party, despite the fact that they are SO not me & I am terrible in situations with people I do not know. I have SAD (social anxiety disorder), but apparently I should have got over this to make her happy

 

Then my brother deleted me when I couldn't go to his child's birthday party. The reason? - it was also our daughters birthday that day 7 we had plans with her. She had booked a day off so that we could spend some time together. He said that together time should have been at a 1 year olds birthday party - not much fun for an 18 year old!

 

I reckon if you have Facebook friends for more than a year, then they are true friends

[Valkyrie]

I'm so pleased it's working for so many of you/us -

the reduction of stress in those situations can only be good for you. I also don't dwell on it so much. When I visit my mum I used to be very guarded, now I don't give a monkey's about it. If she says anything or twists it to others then so what are they going to do about it - I know it's out of my hands, so why worry what might or might not be said. The control has been broken. It must be more frustrating for them than it is to me. I have a fair few lovely friends - some neighbours, some old work friends and some new chicken friends that are just lovely. I don't miss my brother or his family. We have an 8 year age difference so we never really shared much in our adult lives. I call my mother at irregular times just so that she doesn't clockwatch and dig at me for not sticking to a set time. And I visit her usually once a month when it suits me - then I'll say how about I come down on this day - she's usually free (although I hate the gardener turning up as she's out there with him all flirty - soooo embarrassing and meanwhile I'm left on my own feeling like I've wasted my time). I am much more relaxed when I do go and we now have a good laugh. I leave her feeling happy and I feel happier too. Funnily enough she now has photos of my children on show now where they used to be stuck behind my brother's photos of his daughter and his in-laws. But then at home I also have more time for myself to do things that I want to do - and not have to worry about mum saying I shouldn't do this or that. She still tries to via emails but I just laugh at them - sometimes her messages are too weird!!!! For example we've just been to Hereford to see what areas we'd like to live in and she said "watch out because I've heard there are lots of travellers and gypsies up there and we don't want you to become one!" Er quite and we stayed in a B&B - I don't do carravans!!!!

[Alis girls]

I wish I could break from my family sometimes. Its not that I dont like them but my dad is wearing at times - his house is set in a time warp - desparately needs a good clean and update but he refuses to do either. We managed to do loft last year. I am hoping the kitchen cabinet which OH said appears to be rotting will fall off wall so he'll have to do something. I aim to rid myself of toxic friends - one in particular is nasty when on the bottle and turning into an old lush. She makes fun of me for not drinking (I do but not so often and still have fun) shes fat overweight and has a catalogue of medical probs (yawn ) which would improve if she cut down on the juice and lost wt. I admire people like Patsy and Cinnamon for clearing out your cupboards of clutter. I hope I can do the same.

[PixieDust]

Just a moot point Ali. I am overweight because of medical problems. I exercise and try to eat sensibly but with a thyroid, things in your body don't work the same way. Please don't think everyone who is overweight can miraculously solve all their health problems by eating less and exercising.

 

I will admit that drinking alcohol is not doing your friend any good but maybe there is a reason she hasn't disclosed to you.

 

I agree about toxic friends. I rid myself of 2 last year. One was the wife of OH'S tattooist. She made out like we were best friends and "almost like twins". She treated me like an idiot and when I said "no more" she tried blaming me. Another used me for advice when she was struggling with depression. She cheated on her husband with another woman, left him and dumped me and a couple of other friends by the wayside temporarily. She is one of those people who has loads clamoring for her friendship and dumps people at will. Often people forgive her to be kicked down again. I just decided she was too toxic.

[Alis girls]

No offence taken PixieDust - I wasnt being "Ooops, word censored!"y - I am one of the fatter people who managed with OH to lose wt on WW - our wt was down to too bigger portions and in my case no enough exercise. We are now on maitenance ww - not easy as obesity in the family and we are both piggies - I love chocolate and cake but now walk a lot and do Pilates. Wont get any slimmer - I have plateaued but 1 1/2 stone lighter and OH 2 1/2 stone lighter better than nothing. I am a nurse and I see some people either cos of thyroid or PCO cannot lose wt someadmit lack of willpower and I give them encouragement and support. My friend has been tested and is ok on all these fronts - she by her own admission eats too much and drinks too much - shes open about her alcohol. It doesnt make her a nice person. Some people are nice when squiffy shes not - can be hurtful and I'm not prepared to take it anymore. I hate confrontation but get depressed when people think its ok to take out the poo in their life on others. I blocked someone else on Facebook who wanted to get back in touch as she is very needy and has lots of support but I dont feel up to being there for her at present. Got too much going on in my life to deal with others.