Home made run and house for sale

[Guest]

Well done you ANH! You sound well thought out and well prepared. I hope your mother listened and maybe will trust you as the person who can sort things out. Then you will be able to discuss things and work together.

 

I am sorry to hear about your brother. That is unhelpful of him and divisive. There's probably a good explanation, like your mother insisted she had told you and then quoted your response, so he believed you knew.

 

I'm pleased you're feeling so good about yourself!

[Tessa the Duchess]

Everytime I see this thread updated by you ANH, I think 'oh goodness what awful thing has happened now?' but this time it all sounds very positive apart from moving your dad, which I don't see as necessary at all.

Well done for speaking your mind. Your mum needs to hear the truth. Shame your brother isn't being more supportive, but I guess as he is further away from the situation he is not experiencing all the really bad stuff that you are having to put up with on a daily basis.

 

I do hope your mum has begun to realise how bad her behaviour has been, but I guess that's rather much to hope for You are in my thoughts.

 

Tessa

[BeckyBoo]

What can I say? It's great when you rehe"Ooops, word censored!" something then actually get to say it, and it all comes out right, AND you leave the conversation feeling positive. Hopefully she had done some soul searching when you spoke to her, I don't think she'll ever really appreciate how lucky she is to have you! But I hope you realise how great you are (sounds pukey but it's true!)

 

Mrs Bertie

[Helly Welly]

:clap:

 

Well done ANH! It's about time she heard exactly how she makes you feel. I still don't think you should move your Dad but i think it's amazing that you were really open and honest with her instead of just sucking it all in. I wish i could do it with my MIL but, tbh, i'm not sure it's worth the agro.

[Seagazer]

I'm glad you managed to say what you wanted to say.

[Couperwife]

good grief

 

you deserve the medal of "most **** given - yet still seeing things rationally and trying to help" award

 

I do think I would have passed all responsibility off to brother and sat back and waited.

 

im glad things seem to have settled for the time being - hope it stays this way for some time.

 

Hugs

 

cathy

x

[Olly]

Well done ANH - sounds like the message got through, even if she may forget about it afterwards.

 

Re moving your dad - has anything been arranged or do you think this is one of her fantasies? Maybe your brother hasn't told you because nothing has happened - these things usually take a while to organise. I hope it hasn't been set up, and that your dad can stay where he is.

 

Go girl! I bet you felt really good after that. Keep repeating it and it might sink in.

[WitchHazel]

Well done ANH.

 

Now you just need to reinforce this, as she'll probably need telling more than once. "Mum, do you remember we talked about this...?"

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Do I need a beer AND a bottle of wine tonight .

 

The decision seemed to have been made (according to Mum) so I took her for another look at the "new" nursing home. We were shown a room that had been allocated to him in the short term until some building work was completed and another room made available (turns out he was due to move in on Monday ).

 

It's a lovely nursing home but it's an old building with loads of nooks and crannies, sloping corridors, odd steps here and there and both "his" rooms down mini-corridors where he wouldn't be seen unless someone actually walked into his room. And neither room was en-suite, unlike his current one. (Every single member of staff we saw was white though - no comment made by her .)

 

So we asked about other available rooms and were shown one huge, dark one and one lovely bright smaller, en-suite one beside the conservatory where his door would be walked past by loads of people constantly. A snip at £150 per day. So we said we'd go away and think about it and get back to them about which room we wanted.

 

Went to see Dad. He was a bit confused and didn't really react when we said we were moving him. Then Mum got anxious that we might lose the nice room so would I phone and ask if we could reserve it. Did that. Then asked the staff if they were aware that Dad was leaving. No, they weren't and were quite shocked and sad at the news. They are obviously very fond of Dad (who wouldn't be ). She's making out that the only reason she wants to move him is so she can get the bus twice a day to visit (the other home isn't on a bus route). No mention of her dissatisfaction with his care . So we talked about the practicalities of moving him & his armchair and tried to find out if my brother had given them notice. No office staff in so no idea. (He'd not phoned, quelle surprise ). Left and took Mum home.

 

Talked about the whole thing over a cup of tea. Sorted. Then as I was leaving she got all agitated "am I making a big mistake?" "I can't make this decision by myself" "the staff are obviously fond of him, maybe we should leave him there". Went on about how I know what's going on in the home, I know the staff and they talk to me so I told her bluntly that her attitude towards them didn't help. If she was unhappy about something, instead of blowing her top tell me, and I'll try to sort it (if "it" actually was true). Phoned brother, he went and said let her sleep on it. We told her that we both thought it wouldn't be in Dad's best interests (said she didn't know that ). She said we were the ones going to be left dealing with it all anyway as she wasn't going to last much longer ( ). So I said OK we'll leave him be. You spend the evening thinking that's what we've decided and let me know in the morning if you still think that's what you want to do.

 

I'm being much more blunt with her (which, so far, she's accepting) and we have a bit of a joke going now ... whenever my name's mentioned, Dad always says "she's a nice girl" so now I use that to my advantage and remind her whenever possible . We had a hug and as I was leaving she admitted I had the patience of a saint and asked if my shoulderblades were itchy (those dratted wings ).

 

So, as far as I'm concerned, Dad's staying put. Who knows what she'll say in the morning but I think my brother and I can make the decision for her (she'll just blame us later on, no doubt).

[Couperwife]

a result? (for the time being?)

 

more hugs

 

I've got a box of wine on the go, do you want to share? (its ok, there is another one in the fridge aswell )

 

cathy

x

[Helly Welly]

 

That's about all you can do isn't it?

 

Enjoy that beer and wine and add in some chocolate and maybe an extra tiple for bed. Lord knows you deserve it.

[freddie]

I'm just starting on the wine too, shall I pour one for you, while I've the bottle in my hand......

Keep going, girl, you've discovered depths you never knew you had!!

[Tessa the Duchess]

I've just pulled the cork on a nice cold Chardonnay (what a boozy lot we chickenkeepers are ) I'll pour you a nice big glass. You've done what you can for now, and I think the right decision has been made for your dad, although your mum will probably change her mind tomorrow Forget all about her for now, and enjoy your Sat. night.

 

Tessa

[Ain't Nobody Here]

You lot are a bad influence . If I have a hangover in the morning, I'll be blaming you .

[Couperwife]

what us

 

thats terrible

 

we are only working on a medicinal purpose for alcohol consumption

 

 

cathy

x

[freddie]

Did Someone say 10 units.....

[Couperwife]

no

 

no-one mentioned 10 units

 

or was that 10 per glass

 

cathy

x

[Fur 'n' Feathers]

Well done for taking a stance at last ANH. Have that beer!

[Egluntyne]

Good for you.

 

I thought one of the reasons why she had handed the car over to you was that she was not longer fit to drive?

[Olly]

Crikey ANH. If your shoulderblades aren't itching, I don't know why!

 

Stick to it. You know it's the right thing for your dad to stay where he is. Sounds like you have finally found a few gaps in her self-delusional armour. I'll be checking for the latest news.

[MedusA]

Oh what a relief, ANH! I am so glad she has back-tracked and decided to leave your Dad where he is, where the staff care about him and where you have a good rapport with them. Good on you for the straight-talking. That obviously seems to be the way to handle your Mum!

 

By the by, I'm not sure of the Scottish system, but I think that, in England, if you don't give "notice to quit" from a home, you are still liable to pay for the notice period, unless the home waives it. Could have been an expensive exercise!!! Better make that clear to your Mum and brother.

 

Let's hope that is that settled (but somehow I have my doubts).

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks all, just back from preening my feathers so here's the latest .

 

Mum's happy (oxymoron if ever there was one ) to leave Dad where he is.

 

I've spoken to both nursing homes - current one was delighted; other one was very understanding (I explained a lot of the background).

 

Brother and I agree in theory that if (when) she has another meltdown, we take the decision out of her hands and move Dad to the other home. Otherwise we'll just be in a constant cycle of one minute it's fine, the next it's not.

 

I've made it clear that she has to come to me with her concerns (real or otherwise) and I'll deal with them. She's agreed (but how long that'll work, who knows ).

 

Oh, and there would have been a notice period to pay (don't know how long) but Mum kept saying money's no object ).

 

Egluntine, Mum said she asked the doctor if she was OK to drive and she also said the optician said she was OK too. TBH, I think it would cause more problems trying to get her not to drive. I'm trying not to think about it .

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Don't panic, no major dramas . Just blogging to let out some frustrations .

 

Relatively stable fortnight but I'm finding her increasingly irritating (that endless well of patience is at last running dry ).

 

She's still phoning me at work (thinking I'm at lunch - like I want to waste 10 minutes of a 30 min lunchbreak listening to her rant ). She sometimes leaves confused and rambling messages but when I call her back, she behaves like everything's fine. I suspect it's just manipulation.

 

She wanted the 3 of us to get together while my brother was there to talk about Dad's care. I said phone me when you want me to come round. No phone call. Mentioned it yesterday "but you said you'd call".

 

Had a phone call last week from the social worker asking if Mum had filled in a form about Dad's placement. She had called my brother and left 2 messages asking him to call back. He never did. Mum had mentioned the form to me but didn't know what it was about so wasn't going to bother filling it in . I explained it to her, she said she'd signed it and would post it. Saw her yesterday and she's still confused about it but won't accept help with it.

 

The nursing home had a cheese & wine do last night. We both went along. It was very useful - residents and relatives had a chance to voice concerns and complaints and the manager responded. They're planning on doing them regularly. They even have focus groups . I can go along on trips with Dad (he's been saying he doesn't want to go but I think he probably doesn't really know what he's being asked about.)

 

We'd been there for over an hour when Mum suddenly says "I've been to one of these meetings before". She can't have done, there have only been 3 meetings (all before Dad moved in). I tried to suggest diplomatically that she couldn't have - she wouldn't listen. I said she never mentioned it to me - "well, sometimes I don't see you for ages :notalk:" . She had no idea what format this meeting would take so can't have been at one before. She wasn't even driving back then and wouldn't have driven at night anyway.

 

She's still making sweeping and inaccurate judgements about people, places, companies, inanimate objects, you name it .

 

Took her to the hospital today for her first pacemaker checkup. Arrived at her house, she didn't say a single word to me. Silence the whole journey there. I'm fed up playing "guess what I'm angry about today" so I said nothing too. After 2 minutes in the waiting room she says "they'll be at lunch. They'll go from 1-2.30." She was in and out in 15 minutes . Mellowed slightly in the car on the way back and even suggested lunch. I declined.

 

She's got an appointment in July to have her assessment for the cataracts. "Oh, everything's going to be fine once I have my eyes done!". Yeah, right.

 

Sorry, that was a bit boring and rambling. Just wanted to go aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh and what better place than here .

 

No responses necessary .

Edited June 13, 2008 by Guest

[Helly Welly]

Yeah. because we'd never respond would we?

 

Those cheese and wine evenings and focus groups sound like a good idea. Your Dad's home sounds really good. It seems to me that life would be a lot easier if your Mum would relinquish control of your Dad's welfare over to you. Whilst that may give you more work to do, your'e having to pick up the pieces anyway at the moment.

 

Maybe have a bit of cheese and wine yourself this evening

[chickencam]

You can scream anytime you like we understand There but for the grace of God go most of us at some point.