Chicken bald back

[Gem_Seb]

Right this might be a bit of a long one!!

 

Basically my so called best mate doesnt seem to want to be mates anymore!! last year she split up with her bf who is also a close friend of mine and OH's. They always said if anything happened it wouldnt be awkward for us, which i knew couldnt happen to start with!! It was and she asked me to choose between being her friend or his and got really funny with me if i seen him! I was always very careful that they didnt bump into each other and whilst this made it awkward for group things i invited both of them and and told them both i had invited the other! I refuse to choose between friends!

 

Anyway, after months of her crying on my shoulder and taking her out to cheer her up shes become a bit 'off' lately, earlier this year i had a few troubles of my own and as you do i went to my best mate for help and advice, well there was none! just a blank bored expression sat in front of me! i had a bit of a rough time and didnt want to go out or see anyone, she just stopped calling and i was sort of just left on my own! I got better towards my bday and arranged a night bowling, she turned up late, was rude to everyone there and left early saying she had an early start the next morning, i then seen pictures of her in town on the same night in question on facebook!!

 

After countless phonecalls of her being drunk and getting into situations and myself and OH driving into town at 3am to get her all(on work nights) i wanted was someone to listen! The last contact was arranging a night at her BF's as she has now got back to gether with him after a year, we had no money arranged to stay in at his and watch a film. i got a txt at 7 from her BF saying they had decided to go to cinema now, i just said thats fine, as i said we have no money so we will just arrange another night. Then at 9pm i got a text from her saying if youa are going to cancel let me know earlier next time! so i said that i couldnt as i didnt realise the plans have changed! i just replied to her bf's text, then she said i shouldve let her know not him! I have now not heard from her for 2 months and tonight seen her car outside my neighbours who she has become friendly with through us and shes not even bothered to ring, text or pop down to say hello! I live 2 doors away!

 

Think she is making it clear she no longer needs me! im quite hurt by this as i feel like i have sepnt a lot of time and effort helping her through her bad year to have it all thrown back in my face! or is it me being over sensitive?! Sorry for the rant!

[Redwing]

I have nothing very constructive to say but what I tend to do in these stuations is wonder how the other person feels about the situation

 

Its obvious that this lady hasnt given any consideration to you so all I can say is that wasting emotions on her is only draining you not her

 

If you end up feeling worse that the 'perpetrator' then its you that loses ultimately

 

I often say to myself 'they arent worth my emotions'

[Chucky Mama]

I think you are right to be hurt. It sounds like your relationship has been a one way street. You are better off putting it down to experience and moving on to someone who is willing to give as well as take - that is what true friendships are all about.

[Janepie33]

She sounds rather selfish to me. Looks like she was cross that you didn't refuse to see her ex, just because she they'd split up. It was really mean trying to make you take sides.

 

Sounds like she feels a bit embarrased now that they have got back together and doesn't know how to face you, so she sees your friend instead.

 

I know I would feel really hurt in your situation and would fluctuate between trying to be a nice understanding person and wanting to yell at her and tell her just how I felt. In reality, I would just fume at home and feel resentful, wasting emotion and energy.

 

OH just asked me what I was doing and I told him the gist of your post. His reply (being a typical male) was "Well tell her to go and get another friend". MEN - Life is so simple for them! But......... Mayebe he's got a point?

[jenuk99]

I feel for you, have had similar situations with people I considered best friends, who turned out they were just looking out for themselves. I have gone through feeling miserable at how they have treated me and wondering what I did wrong and after going over it and talking to family about it I have come to a conclusion.

A true friend is someone who is there for you when you need them even if they have tough times, they put you first as much as you do. They send silly cards to cheer you up when you feeling down or drop round with cakes just for a chat.

The others I dont waste any energy on and certainly try not to get upset about them. You lose to many important people and life really is too short to spend it worrying about people who do not care as much about you.

My advice would be to leave her to it, you have been a very caring friend to her and you deserve much better in return.

Big hugs

Jen xx

[Alis girls]

Dittto J99 - she sounds a waste of space to put it politely - consentrate on real friends and your OH - lotsa hugs - also cant do hug thing! sorry

[BeckyBoo]

I think you've every right to feel hurt, but the whole situation says a lot about your caring nature and a lot more about her selfishness. It's hard when someone comes between you and a friend but it sounds like you did everything you could to do the right thing. I have a feeling you might hear from her again if she splits up with him again, in which case I'd kindly and politely tell her that friendship is a two way thing and should last forever despite obstacles (in fact sometimes because of them) You didn't let the split come between you and her or you and him but she allowed it to and made her choice. Friends do pick things up despite everything, but friends also don't deserve to be treated the way she treated you.

 

Try and put her behind you, concentrate on the people in your life who value you.

 

What a horrible situation, leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.

 

BeckyBoo

[chickenanne]

She does sound lacking in the empathy department.

 

If it was "just" the "freinds -with-either-him-or-me" stuff, then more understandable as she maybe needed to feel "better" or "more popular" than her then-ex. IMO you did the right thing in refusing to choose between them: people are not commodities or new clothes. I'm not saying that what I am guessing were her feelings makes it OK, but just suggesting what her feelings might have been (I've never met her so could be well off here).

 

BUT... it isn't just that. As everyone has said, it should be a two-way thing, in fact: most people actively want to help freinds out even if it is sometimes hugely wearing to do so, it isn't transactional so much as something people would WANT to do. The fact that she doesn't says volumes about her, and nothing whatsoever about you.

 

So, in your shoes, I too would be hurt, (and I don't think I would really believe this next bit, but from the outside looking in it is true) - you have to realise that it says nothing about you - you acted as a kind caring freind when she needed it; her mean-spirited selfishness afterwards was not in your control and nothing to do with you as a person.

 

Speak to her about how you feel, if you think it's worth it. Otherwise, move on. Life is too short to waste it worrying over people who put you in situations like this.

[A chickychickychick-ENN!!]

She sounds like a needy, messy, demanding emotional vampire. Friendship works both ways and it doesn't look like she's giving much. Of course it hurts, but you sound like you'd be better off without her in your life, using you, hurting you and dragging you down.

[Tiggy]

Id be hurt too, whatever her reasons her behaviour has upset you, if you really value her friendship it may be worth trying to talk to her she may be embarrassed. If her friendship is not that important then I'd just leave her to get on with things & not give her another thought, life is too short to worry about people who make you feel sad

[Gem_Seb]

Thanks for all the advice! i guess i managed to come through everything this year without her so i dont need her as much as i think i do, its just sad that a long friendship ended like this. and i do have a lot of other mates who i have become closer to, stangley she was also frieds with them to but they also never hear from her anymore!

 

My OH just says if i treated you like that you wouldnt stay with me so why should it be any different!

[jenuk99]

Your OH makes good sense, spend your time with those who value you and leave the selfish ones to themselves. Life is much more fun that way.

Jen