Wanted Please - Harrogate / York / Leeds area

[Alis girls]

As you know our rabbit was PTS 10 days ago. Now my 8 yr old is worried about being left on his own if me and OH die. he has an elder brother. Our family is aged (only 1 grandparent left - not capable God forbid if we werent around) and our guardians are now in OS. I asked my friend if she would be guaridan as she isYS god mother and she had said yes but her circumstances have changed. My son was in tears last night and I said crossing everything that we weren't going anywhere. Sorry to ramble but I do get stressed and tearful about it. I have banned Tracey Beaker from the TV as it gives kids ideas. Any ideas etc gratefully received or if you have had similar.

[Chickendoodle]

I remember this with my girls - I think it is probably a stage they all go through to some extent when they realise that everyone dies eventually.

 

There's no real way though it as the thought of losing someone you love IS scary, however old you are.

 

Eventually he will feel less tearful about it - I told my girls that I wasn't planning on going anywhere until I was very very old and they would be very old as well and would have their own families.

 

There are some upsets with children that I'm afraid have no easy solution - we can't always make things better for them however much we want to

[Willow]

Oh dear - it is normal for kids that age to get obsessed by death particulalrly when there is a trigger to make them think about it although it feels like it's just yours that are odd when it starts happening

 

However it's much easier to reassure them if you can say 'look that isn't going to happen but in the really really really unlikely case of it happening so and so will look after you'.

 

Can you not tell him his god mother would look after him if anything happened ? whatever her circumstances friends would do their best if they had to. You could take out a life insurance policy on you and your husband to provide funds for his care if something did happen to you both and tell YS that's there as a precaution ?

[Alis girls]

Exactly what I told him - he is unfortunate in that a boy at school lost him mum to cancer and that a friend of ours has been diagnosed with cancer(looks positive) but you cant shelter them. OH's youngest brother was 10 when their mum died and hes a depressive but would probably have been one anyway. I cant remember this stage with ES. Thanks for that.

[Chucky Mama]

We had a similar thing with a child who was convinced that they were going to be abducted and that any stranger was a bad person intent on taking them. You need to do the reasoning with them and explaining option but don't lie to them. We got another responsible adult that was not a family member to talk it through too, then they don't think it is something that you are making up. We found using childlike reassurance one of the most useful tools. We gave our child a 'worry stone' which they used to play with when they were feeling anxious - it worked a treat. I think that this is part of your child's grieving for the lost bunny and focusing on how they feel about that rather that the loss of a family member may put things into perpective. Explain how very different a pet's life expectancy is and what a relief it was to be able to let your bunny go to sleep instead of taking a long time to die. I think that they all go through it. I had the 'what is the point of life, when you are just going to die' question last month - I talked it through but it hasn't gone away yet

[PurpleTree]

My grampy died just over a year ago after a short time in hospital. At first Daniel didn't seem particularly affected, just wanted to know why I was upset. About a month later he suddenly got really anxious about going into school, something we'd never had a problem with before, he would cry every morning, and wanted constant reassuring that I wasn't going anywhere. He also kept telling me he loved me. He gradually calmed down after 2 or 3 weeks, but asked a lot of questions about where Grampy was, why do people have to die, quite difficult things to explain to a then 4 year old. Even now he suddenly springs a question on us, for example, 'I wonder what Grampy's doing in Heaven, right now?' and also asks if he's coming back.

 

I got a couple of books from Amazon, one called 'I'll Love You Forever' which was more to reassure him that I'll always love him, I couldn't read it without crying to start with though. The other one was, I think, called 'Badger's Gifts', about an elderly badger who dies, and all his friends remember the things he'd done for them and taught them. Found it here

 

Hope your son is feeling a bit happier soon.

[Seagazer]

I've had this with the boys but not with DD. It is very hard to reassure them, I went through this as well when I was a teenager and my two cousins died. I was convinced I was going to die too.

 

I think the only thing you can do is to try to keep talking and reassuring them, they will stop after a while. YS's favorite thing is to talk about being frozen at the moment

[Alis girls]

had that too CM especially after Madleline McCann disappeared. Talked it through hundreds of times with him that I wouldnt leave him anywhere. He is aware bad people can pinch kids and hurt them but was sparing with info. I will look at books - see if I can get in library thanks

[Chucky Mama]

Sounds like he is a bright boy. They tend to over think things and wind themselves up into a frenzy about things like this. It is upsetting as they should be carefree and enjoying life not worrying about things like this. I asked the police to speak to my child when they were at the height of their paranoid about abduction. They spent 5 mins with them and told me to get professional help He is now a 2nd Degree Black belt so the fear of abduction is the last thing on his mind - he has now moved on to the meaning of life though

I have pm'd you a link that you might find useful about pet bereavement.

[Alis girls]

Many thanks I will have a look when i get a quiet moment

[BeckyBoo]

mine have all gone through various degrees of thinking a lot about death. I'm quite down to earth about death when it comes to animals and so mine have grown up being sad, but accepting that (hopefully) we will always outlive our pets and that the reason we're sad is because we love them and that's how it should be. But when their Grandad (my FIL) died last September we had to talk about it every night for weeks. My son who is 4 kept saying "I don't EVER want you to die Mummy".

 

My stand has always been honesty and lots and lots of hugs. We're all going to die one day, it's the only thing we can guarantee and all have in common, maybe I'm a bit morbid, but I've been known to talk (not to the children) about the anniversary that passes every year that we never know, the anniversary of our death.

 

Anyway, I just think loads of hugs, reassurance and as much honesty as he can deal with, it should ease with time. I remember being death obsessed as a teenager as well as being convinced we were going to have a nuclear war - and being terrified at the thought too!

 

BeckyBoo