Alis girls Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 My 9 yr old son has a "friend" who often dumps him when we are in a group and goes off with an older child and totally ignores my son. They are in the same class and we a re a group of five couples with 11 kids between us and have survived marital disharmony, cancer but are not able to deal with a spiteful child. I feel berfeft as another weekend away left my son who isnt pushy on his own. My OH rang the mum and explained how hurt son was - she spoke to her son and the excuse was he gets excited when the older boy is around. I was so upset Sunday I nearly crashed car and just feel for my son as I had the same at school being dumped when something better comes round. OH responded by telling her we should give them a break from each other and son has coped by playing with other kids. he was so upset Monday he got lines and tells me teacher wants to see me - I will be telling her everything. I also feel tearful - not good at confrontation and ashamed OH had to deal with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daphne Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 You do sound in need of cheering up I don't have any magic answers, but I will say don't beat yourself up about asking OH to deal with it, one of you had to do it and on this occasion it was him. No doubt on many occasions it has been you. Children can be very hurtful, but its just how they are (I remember how I was, I didn't think how my behaviour impacted on others - my parents mostly ), its not intentional. They live in the moment. I doubt at their age many of them will be conciously being spiteful, its just going with the excitement, being with the big boys. Rather than dwelling on this, I think I would be helping your little boy to make friends with as many others as he comes into contact with and spending more time with his other friends he already has. Some will always be 'arms-length' friends, but some will become closer if they spend time together. Help him not to be saddened by this other boys behaviour towards him, but to actively make happier times by doing things with you and with his other friends. I know this isn't easy and can't be solved overnight, and I don't know if I've been helpful. I hope somebody else might offer their opinion! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 I don't know what to suggest as I doubt you / others will be able to change the other child's behaviour I guess just keep reassuring your son that it isn't something he has done, and try and find some way of boosting his confidence? My little boy is only two and a half so I don't have any practical examples I could offer from a parent's point of view. When I was 11 or 12 - so a bit older than your son -and just started secondary school my best-friend (who I had known since playschool) used to drop me like a hot potato when the new "cool" friends were around. She would pretty much blank me, not involve me in plans, make jokes at my expense etc and I remember being really hurt about it. Yet she would always want to sit next to me on the school bus as her cool friends took a different bus home so I became a more attractive friend again. One day I had a real go at her - completely out of character (at that stage of my life anyway!) - and told her how I felt and that I was fed up with the situation. She was so shocked and actually very upset as I don't think she really understood the impact of her actions. Things did improve but we grew apart naturally and made new best-friends. Hope things improve for you xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatieB Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 I really feel for you in this difficult situation but can I please suggest a slightly different view point but let me make clear I am in no way saying the boys behaviour is ok. Please try very hard not to fall out with your friends over your children. Particularly as the children can in time (and sometimes very quickly) move on or make up and you may then have lost a good friendship. Ultimately any good parent would defend their child as your friend has done to your OH it seems. I can see the view point that the other boy is excited by the older child (although again I do not believe he should leave other friends out). I think the best way is to reiterate to your son that sometimes people do not always act as they should and that it is nothing personal to him. Encourage him to find value in things he does away from the boy either on his own or with others. The way the boy treats him is not a reflection on your son but a reflection on that boys faults. I don't know if I am explaining this well but my DS is fixated on a friendship that is no good for him and all I can do is quietly encourage him to see the light and value his own worth. Very slowly he is beginning to make new freindships and be less bothered by the "friend" although sadly he is still fixated on him! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatieB Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 P.S. I also meant to say would you be able able to ask your friend (possibly through gritted teeth) that you can see her son is excited by the older boy but could she ensure her son goes out of his way to include your son as he's feeling very upset Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 Can I suggest that you work on building up your son's confidence so that he is able to deal with the situation? Also chat to him and explain why this lad is behaving like this, the psychology behind it and how to deal with it. I think that his wee friend would benefit with some manners in social circumstances - you don't just walk off and leave your friend when someone else (more exciting?) comes along - it just isn't on. Children can be really devastated by things like this and don't really see that it's not really a reflection on them, just insensitivity on another's part. Give him the confidence and knowledge to deal with it, and your son will learn to rise above it. Good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted October 14, 2010 Author Share Posted October 14, 2010 Thanks everyone I do value the support and ideas all of which we are doing - YS had detention yesterday as he got upset in class (the boy in question is in his class) so will speak to teacher today. I know kids esp 9 yrs olds dont see the results of their actions but this is no the first time and I dont think in this case he will change. My son has decided not to go to his birthday party not out of spite but because he doesnt trust the lad not to leave him on his own. My son has other friends and hes got a mate coming round this week after school so is excited about that. I cant face my friend at present as I know I will say something I regret so will leave till less tearful and angry - thanks again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy1709 Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 It brings back to me a situation when my eight year old daughter was best friends with another girl and then she left to go to another school. She saw her at a fire works party soon after and the girl would not acknowledge her saying 'who are you' in order to play with new friends. It is difficult and broke my heart. However I hope I rose above it and invited the girl to play by herself with my daughter and they were as right as rain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted October 14, 2010 Author Share Posted October 14, 2010 I am trying to rise above it - so hard as son has been so hurt. Kids can be so spiteful - where it comes from I dont know - I was in tears at the replies today as I expected someone to point out the error of my ways but you were all so nice - I was still in tears - what a wuss! thanks everyone you are so lovely - I have confided in a friend who is going thro the same and had noticed how this child treated my son on another occasion so I know its not just me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lillybettybabs Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 Hi, Does he go to any after school clubs (Eg Cubs) , I had the same problem as a child, my mother got me into allsorts of hobbies and clubs where i made genuine friends and it brought me out of my shell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 It's just natural to be upset by this - your instinct is to protect your child. Rosie had something similar at primary school, and being a fair-minded child, found it hard to understand. We had a long talk about it and the reasons too. I told her that if you love a friend enough, you'll let them go.. if they come back then they are a good friend, if they don't then it wasn't meant to be. Some can be just plain fickle in their attachments and don't realise how much it hurts. Methinks that your some would be better off without this chum, and happier with someone who shares the same social values. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goodinparts Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 Oh I do feel for you. My middle child had a very similar situation when he was 8...Best friend who turned overnight and eventually got the whole class (about 8 kids - this was in one of those apparently idyllic village schools that can turn into a nightmare in seconds if you're out on a limb) to gang up on G....He got so frustrated & desperate that he ( a bookworm, flute player, definitely NOT action man) resorted to physical violence - and of course got into great trouble with the school. Mum of "best" friend, whom I'd been supporting thro a tricky pregnancy and all sorts of complicated life stuff, decided that the best response was to freeze us both out.... Fortunately school recognised that some of the trouble came because G was hyper bright, moved him up a year and he found his niche and was OK from then on. But it was only recently that he told me just how acutely miserable he was during that term....and he said that the thing that made the difference was being told again and again that I loved him and that he wasn't on his own with this. So - you're doing all the right things for him - and, like so much else, this too shall pass. And what's more, your son will learn some good life lessons as long as you're able to support him... Hang on in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy chickens! Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 Some really good advice there; on a practical level, could he take a friend along to your get togethers? He's learning an important life lesson about the fickleness of some friendships - it's a hard one to take but with your love he'll be ok, and it's just rotten watching and not being able to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted October 14, 2010 Author Share Posted October 14, 2010 He does cubs and football and swimming and does have other friends - the prob being that we socialise with group - we will not bother going again - will see the girls for nights out but wont do trips away - expensive if you dont have a nice time. Thanks again for advice- I do appreciate it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
