Part 0800.0005

[migsy]

Emma, She will be 20 next month. I have no idea why she won't go out but I wonder why she wants to be an au pair if she is so lacking in confidence.

 

I feel like crying as I have spent the week taking her to places and showing her around so that she knows how to get everywhere. The thing is that I am self-employed and I cannot afford to take so much time off and having to take the kids to and from the holiday club is taking a lot of time out of, and interrupting my day.

 

I really am trying to be patient and I took her to an Adult Education Centre to enroll for English classes today. Unfortunately, they turned out not to be suitable. I also took her quite far to get a travel plug adapter on her first day and she does not say "thank you" when we get back. Only a small thing I suppose but I feel that I am making all the effort and she is being rather feeble. I've taken her into Didbury Village and also to a large Tesco so that she could show me what she likes to eat but she only put nectarines and yoghurt into the trolley. Perhaps she was just shy with putting food in but she just said "no, no, no...." when I showed her the meat, cheese and fish aisles etc.

 

I asked the agency to encourage her to contact other Hungarian au pairs in Manchester. She did, and they invited her out on Sunday to go on a trip to Blackpool. I was really pleased for her but it turned out that she had no idea where Blackpool is, and now that she knows it is an hour on the train I don't think she will go. There is a local line from here direct to Piccadilly so it is easy. I really hope she does go.

 

She is also not happy that the only other English classes are in Manchester City Centre and that she will have to get a bus there but the buses are literally every 3 minutes from here. We live near (as claimed by Manchester CC), the busiest bus route in Europe. I even emailed details of this language school to her before she came. I spent ages trying to find the most appropriate course for her.

 

I just don't know what she was expecting. I clearly said in my letter of invitation that I wanted her to collect the boys from the holiday club and take them to the park etc. I think she is lucky that the boys go to a holiday club. I can't believe she won't go there.

 

When I was her age I backpacked around Europe. I just don't understand how anyone can not venture out. The first thing I do when I go on holiday (apart from getting a cold beer) is to walk around the place to see where everything is.

 

I'm going to have to tell her that she will have to collect the boys next week - no choice in the matter.

 

I don't understand (and I put flowers and chocolates in her room like you suggested!).

[craftyhunnypie]

Oh I feel sooo sorry for you. Wish I could come & be your Au Pair - but married & work with hubby now. You've done all you can to make her feel welcome. I somehow don't think it is going to work & perhaps you should be seeking a different girl?

I found my job in The Lady magazine. It was sheer chance. My sister was looking for a qualified nanny job, I had a quick browse & 2 weeks later I was in Austria. I was grateful for the experience & soon adapted to their way of life, food ( fab) & had loads of friends there. I used to go on a 2 and a half hour train journey to Munich quite often! I biked everywhere, loved exploring, went out, drank the beer..but always was there for my duties 100%.

 

Hmm it's a tough one. I really hope you can sort something soon. You can do without this stress!

Good luck..

Emma.x

[migsy]

Au Pair has been with us 9 weeks. I had some initial problems which I tried to sort out. Some things were resolved but the main problem I have, and which I thought would sort itself out in time, is that she shows no interest in the boys at all. Until now I had been putting this down to a language barrier but she does speak basic English.

 

One of her duties was to get the boys ready in the morning and I would take them to school. However, she has been incapable of this so I have taken over this task and I just get her to make the packed lunches and give them breakfast (which she is rubbish at too but I am loathe to take this chore off her, maybe I should). She also has to collect them from school and bring them home and look after them while I work in my office. However, she never speaks to them unless to ask them what they want to eat when they get in and she has not even worked out how to use the remote control on the TV so that she can get a programme up for my 5 year old (it is BT Vision which is not user friendly). I have to constantly intervene which means that I can't focus on my work which I need to do to pay her! She has no interaction with the boys at all. Luckily I have a colleague who lets me work in her office so sometimes I will take advantage of this and work elsewhere but it is not exactly convenient as my business telephone line is at home. All in all she is useless with the boys and helping me with them was the main reason I got her. She is 20, is studying to be a kindergaarten school teacher and looked after a boy in the summer holidays last year. It amazes me that she is so usesless with them.

 

The other thing that really frustrates me is that she spends all her free time in her room, mainly on Skype talking to her family (several hours per day). She never goes out and has turned down numerous offers from other au pairs to meet up. She does not want to take English classes either as she says they are too expensive, even though I have offered to contribute to the cost. I'm not sure why she has bothered to come to the UK. My ES say that she gets on his nerves, she has no personality and is the most boring person he has ever met in his life. I'm afraid he has a point.

 

She is good at housework but I already have a cleaner and I don't need someone to have free board and lodgings with pay just to hoover, mop and do the boys' laundry.

 

She has booked her flight to go home for a holiday at Christmas and I'm thinking that I should tell her not to come back. I can tell her that business is bad and I don't need her anymore. I can reimberse her return flight - it would be cheaper than a week's board and pay anyway.

 

I am so frustrated now and my patience has run out.

[ClaireG]

I am not surprised you are fed up. It sounds like this girl would be more suited to a cleaning job than looking after children. I would do as you suggest and ask her not to come back after Christmas. That is, if you can put up with her that long! Would you get another aupair? Do you need someone to live in? Would it be possible for you to have a daily mothers help? Did you use an agency at all? If you did i would be contacting them.

[squiffs]

I think you've been incredibly patient. I'd pay for her to leave asap, she's a drain on your resources, and not doing her job. If I shirked my responsibilities in my job I'd get fired. Her situation is no different.

[Daphne]

She sounds totally unsuitable. I run my own business and there is no way I could have an employee or an au pair who could not/would not do the basic tasks expected. I would fire her, now. You have given her 9 weeks 'trial' which is a long time for second chances, and the bottom line is that you are having to change your work/life patterns to accomodate her which is the reverse of the outcome you were looking for! If you got her via an agency then speak to them, she has been next to useless, what are their vetting procedures like? She may well be immature/homesick/extraordinarily nice and all the rest of it but you are paying her to do a job and she is failing, which has knock on implications for you, your boys and your business. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but really I think its a case where you are perfectly entitled to put your foot down and deal with it by asking her to leave. I'd think about what you need and maybe consider if a mother's help or someone P/T to take responsibility for the boys early morning and in the afternoon might be easier, at least in the short term? If you weren't having to pay for board and lodging/english lessons etc then maybe you could afford a higher hourly rate and fingers crossed get someone local? I hesitate to mention this given the early mornings, but there are an awful lot of students in Manchester! Are there any nursery nurse courses with students needing work experience?

[craftyhunnypie]

Awww this is terrible! She is supposed to be there for your children & if your son doesn't like her much, there is no point in her being with you. She needs to be sent back to stay!

I agree try & find someone local. There is an agency at Cholmondley known as Bunbury agency. My sister used to be a nanny & got her jobs from there...including being a Nanny for Yvette Fielding ( Most Haunted) & Russell Watson. Worth a try. Other than that advertise locally, but insist on qualifications & a CRB check! It may also be useful for your next 'help' to be introduced gradually, say one afternoon a week, so you can suss him / her out. Perhaps a live out 'help' might be better. SO sorry this hasn't worked for you. Perhaps my family in Austria were lucky with me & vice versa.

Best of luck!

Emma.x

[migsy]

Thanks for your responses. She will definitely have to leave by Christmas and I would love to send her back now but I am too soft for my own good but also it would end up costing me money in several ways.

 

She irritated me again today by being lazy and scuttling off to her room at 4.30 when she is supposed to finish at 5pm, stuffing the tumble dryer full of bed linen etc. when the sun was shining outside, and not keeping up with the school uniforms so that I had to iron shirts for tomorrow myself and send youngest son to Dad's with big brother's top as none of his were clean. This is in addition to her already not being able to get the kids ready for school in the morning. Oh yes, and my middle son had no clean underpants this morning.

 

On second thoughts, the cost of sending her back (reimbursing the £200 she has spent on flights at Christmas) is probably worth it. I need to psyche myself up for this.

 

I looked at the agency in Bunbury before I got her, perhaps I should have used it!!! I live near the student areas and there is a teaching college down the road, so perhaps I could look there - good idea Daphne.

 

Arghhhhh

 

Sorry, I sound like a spoilt madam but I'm on my own with 3 boys and trying to work hard to keep a roof over our heads.

[Space Chick]

You sound perfectly reasonable and have given her more than enough chances.

 

Not easy needing to fire people too... I had to fire a cleaner once... She was useless and I needed to re-do everything. I kept her on for too long really as she was a single Mum with 2 boys, and I felt for her but biting the bullet and getting rid was the best thing ever... I got Nicola, who is fab, efficient, friendly, reliable and has been with me for 2 years (Just one afternoon a week... So not as much as a problem as you have)

[squiffs]

You don't sound spoilt at all. We're not made of money and if you hire someone for a wage they need to be doing what their job description requires. You've been kind to keep her this long, and she's not deserving of that kindness when she shows you disrespect by being lazy. Being an au pair is what I would consider a very full on job, and that's precisely why I wouldn't do it, as I wouldn't cope well with homesickness, language barriers wouldn't be too much of an issue as I'd be willing to learn but I would feel too shy to expect someone to spend money on me tuition wise - so I know the job isn't for me and would fully expect to be let go if my hang ups stopped me doing the work I was paid to do. If you can afford the extra 200 I would go for it, it'll save you a fortune in the long term.

[migsy]

Thanks for all your support. I really need to sort this out!

[migsy]

I've sacked her - she is going in 2 weeks

 

The final straw was on Friday when she forgot that I was out at a meeting and left 10 year old son waiting on the doorstep for an hour after school (he has just started walking home on his own and doesn't have a key because there is supposed to be someone in when he arrives).

 

I feel a lot better now and I think it is highly unlikely that I will ever get another au pair.

[craftyhunnypie]

All I can say is I really hope she never ever has children of her own!!!! She is soooo irresponsible! Well done for sacking her - so sorry that this was an awful experience. But you are better off without her. Perhaps a local ' more mature' lady would like a few hours cleaning / ironing & help you out with school runs? Much cheaper & word of mouth is better than an agency!

Your poor son, bless him - left on the doorstep.

Thank god this girl is going home!

Emma.x

[squiffs]

Well done migsy, you did the right thing. I'm glad you feel better already. I can't believe her attitude, regardless of if you were at a meeting or not, during your working hours she shouldn't be expecting you to pick up the slack.

[Purplemaniacs]

I think it is highly unlikely that I will ever get another au pair.

Could you get a nanny or mothers help from this country. I worked as a nanny for a few months before my nurse training started (some years ago ) I looked after three boys and some of the house work too. It was hard work but great experience. I lived in but some of my friends just did set hours and went home. Before I started I met the family and the boys who were lovely. It may give you more chance to assess them to see if your children would get on with the person too.

 

Chrissie

[Daphne]

Well done you I bet you now have a much clearer picture of what you do/don't want and need from extra help and I really hope you manage to find someone suitable, local and lovely. A more mature lady could be just the thing; people must be looking for flexible work in this current climate so I do hope you are lucky

[migsy]

I'm going to use an after school club for now and take a bit of a breather to assess what sort of help I need. It probably sounds odd but I feel rather traumatised by this experience.

 

The worrying thing about the au pair is that she is training to be a nursery school teacher

[Daphne]

Not odd at all - its a very personal thing to take somebody into your life and home, you probably need to reclaim it all a bit for a while and have everything settle down to normal.

 

Poor future classes, lets hope she matures a bit by then

[Olly]

Not odd at all, it sounds like a nightmare.

 

I think you've been very unlucky with this individual, I know people who've had au pairs and have found it to work very well and forged lasting friendships - I can see why you would say 'never again', but I think a lot is down to this girl's personality. From the way she wouldn't leave the house and so on, I'd say she has some personal issues which would make her hard work in any job. I hope you can find some other way of covering the childcare needs.

[Willow]

Gosh poor you she sounds a nightmare