Is my pekin bantam male or female?

[Willow]

Sorting through some paperwork today and I realised I'd been sent a letter to me at my company address. It's actually the same as my home address as I'm just a freelance contractor but the sender had looked up the company address after finding the company name on my linkedin profile. Anyway letter was from someone I'd met at a EU conference/work group 20yrs ago. Letter started normal friendly then I realised he was inviting me to meet him for a weekend in Amsterdam (as that was were the conference had been and it was halfway between his country and mine) he had enclosed some holiday photos of him (normal not dodgy fortunately). I can't even remember this guy,

 

I've kept in touch with some of the people I met then as friends/colleagues and swap the odd email but not seen most for 10-15 yrs, there were usually 100 people at each one of these meetings and he only mentions the one so he obviously wasn't a regular part of that work group. I remember that week because I managed to sneak out one afternoon and spent a delightful afternoon at the Van Gogh museum and I knew the city a little so did lots of walking around by myself in the evening. But I don't remember this guy at all.

 

But this is not the first time this has happened to me and I don't understand why. Another colleague from these days looks at my linkedin profile almost every week (he evidently doesn't realise I can see when he looks at my profile). Yet another ex-colleague rang me a few years after I'd made him redundant to ask that if he left his wife would I be interested in a relationship ? . And another I'd remained friends with as we'd worked in a couple of places in common suddenly blurted out in an email that he'd always been keen on me. And there have been others over the years.

 

So why me ? Sarah, Hazel and Lydia have met me and can attest I'm no glamourous femme fatale And to be honest I'm a tiny little bit of a prude so I really don't believe I was sending out available vibes although working in a male dominated industry I'm comfortable in the company of men - I just treat them like people . These men are all different European nationalities, none British. And it's always years after they had contact with me that they resume contact and make these intense (and slightly creepy if I'm honest) declarations. And of course for some that knew me from a long way back they don't realise the slim pretty girl in her 20's is now a fat middle aged mum

 

Anyway since you all have an answer to my every question - Is this just very normal ? none of my friends have mentioned this happening to them ever but maybe it happens so regularly it is not worthy of mentioning ?

 

Fortunately my husband thinks it's hilarious

[patsylabrador]

Maybe you've just got that secret something that men love and women try to get but if you haven't got it then you haven't.

I've been reading far too many Tess Gerritsen books (women are often the victims of terrifying men)to comment on this sensibly but if you don't feel threatened enjoy it.

[Grandmashazzie]

You probably send the signals you're not interested but are friendly and as you say comfortable in their company and this makes them more interested.As you know women on the hunt can be quite intimidating.When my friends and I go on a girlie night out and are up dancing ,the men seem to always ask the married ones to dance,and the ones desperate to meet a guy are left out,I just think they give out off putting vibes so maybe the reverse is true.But you must be very special to have left a lasting impression(get your husband to reply)

[Egluntyne]

The world is full of dodgy people and the internet is full of chancers who will take advantage. This is why we are so keen on encouraging people on this forum not to post intimate detail about relationships, family, identifying facts etc.

 

I'd change your business address - you can find these bulk centre type places, which for a fee you can use as your business address, and block this person from all your contact lists.

[Alis girls]

I dont get letters but get elderly gents (usually 70-80yr olds) asking me out (i dont wear a uniform just ordinary smart skirts, trousers etc) enjoy a banter but dont flirt (i am a Practice nurse for those who dont know) and its serious, not joking. I wear a wedding ring and am no spring chuck - 51 no glamour puss. i think some just try their luck. You give out the "not availabe" vibes so they try their luck. I spose you should be flattered - sadly the days of pulling a young stud are over for me - OAP's all the way.

[Cinnamon]

Yeah,I have been chatted up by customers at work too - most of them male

I figure that its because they can only see my good points behind the counter - my fat bum & tum are hidden

 

I did have an old boyfriend look me up too via Facebook - he them invited me to his wedding to his male partner

 

It is a little stalkery though Patricia....maybe they see you as a strong yet approachable woman & that does it for them,school marm style?

Not that I think you are in the least bit school marmish,but men are odd creatures.......

If I were you I would ignore them but enjoy that you still have 'it'!

[Daphne]

Not normal....too much time on his/their hands creating a fantasy......mid-life crisis.... I would be very careful now about my public persona on the internet, although I know how useful LinkedIn can be. I also used to go to EU conferences 20 years ago (still do from time to time!) and worked in a very male dominated industry and got chatted up and sent emails afterwards by middle aged men, presumably married, who should have known better. I think it was because they were miles away from their wives and normal lives and we'd all be in a social situation as well as a work one. I also got seriously chatted up by somebody (twice my age and married) I used to travel to work with over many months, and propositioned by a neighbour. I used to look much younger than my age (alas no longer ) so in retrospect I think they were all trying to relive their youth. I found it creepy and slightly menacing then and would find it unbearable now. If it happened to me again now I'd tend to ignore it which possibly isn't the best course of action, but if there is a repeat I would get my OH to intervene - which is also probably a bit of a cop-out but should get the message across. Good Luck.

[Alis girls]

I also think many of these men are lonely either cos of divorce or bereavement and many just want to see if they still have the skill in attracting a mate. Sadly many make the mistake of trying to attract a much younger mate and fall prey to gold diggers. I suspect Patricia he thinks hes in with a chance, hes probably lonely - you sound like a lovely strong warm human being and many blokes like this. A lot of very glamourous women attract the wrong sort of man. I think I would let it go this time but if it happens again nip it in the bud. Its a very sad.

[Leeloo]

Maybe you give off a "girl next door" charm? When I was a kid, reruns of Gilligan's Island were on in the afternoon and all the little boys had crushes on sweet Mary Ann, not glamorous Ginger! It is a little stalkerish. I think men sometimes remember women to whom they were attracted in the past and decide to check to see if they've become available. It's happened to me a few times and if you work with a lot of men, that might be why it happens to you more often than average!

[Willow]

Daphne Glad it's not just me, I was starting to feel like some sort of freak 'creepy man' attractor

 

Also relieved to hear it is women who are not putting out interested vibes that get attention as I really didn't think I was putting out any ambiguous messages to any of these men. I must admit I did used to occasionally gently flirt back with the Italian men at these meetings as they were so expert in the sort of friendly subtle flirting that both parties knew was meaningless fun, and I've never had a problem with Italian men.

 

At least two men that worked for me have made moves so I guess it is the strong female thing - how sad that never worked for me to attract boyfriends as a teenager it just seemed to scare them off then

 

Part of it is the blokes that contact me years later remember me as I was years ago and although I didn't feel particularly attractive then I look back at pictures and think actually I wasn't bad . My linkedin photo is head and shoulders with hair styled and make-up whereas plump, windswept hair, no make-up and teeshirt/fleece & muddy jeans is my usual look. I definitely look better head and shoulders. Ironically I updated the photo the other year as I realised my old photo needed updating as I didn't want any interviewers to look up my linkedin profile then be disappointed at the older version that turned up to interview. I need an easily searchable linkedin profile to get work but it does worry me that it puts quite a bit of info about me in the public domain. My company address is not readily available except through companies house and I will definitely be keeping it that way.

 

For this letter I'm just going to ignore it, but I'll hang on to the letter just in case. Since the letter clearly indicates the work link if he becomes a bother and doesn't take a telling I would probably send copies to his HR dept and let them know he's harassing me.

 

An appreciative look from a passerby in the street and maybe a wolf whistle from a builder would be a lovely boost to my confidence but creepy letters from someone I met 20 years ago isn't I have one dress that I call my Joan from Mad Men dress, as that does get appreciative looks but I'm at the age where I've either had that last look and don't realise it yet or it will be soon.

[WitchHazel]

You do seem to have had more than your fair share of paramours Patricia. I think that being very successful in a male dominated field has a lot to do with it, especially as you treat your colleagues as colleagues whatever their sex. It probably makes you less threatening and therefore more approachable... and some men misread this as encouragement.

 

Looking at his approach from a different perspective...

 

He's probably at that age where he's looking back through his life ad reflecting on opportunities missed.

 

I can imagine that he's probably been carrying a bit of a torch for you since that meeting (sad that you don't even remember him) and it's kinda got built up over the years. Maybe his own circumstances have changed recently (divorced, widowed), and he's decided to get in contact. This happens all the time now - it's so easy to find out about people, and so easy to get in touch, much easier than even 10 years ago.

 

The looking at your profile everyday might be him trying to pluck up courage, or just him fantasizing (I don't mean necessarily fantasizing in a creepy way... I mean in the way that one might draw lovehearts with the name of the chap you fancy in).

 

In this case, a simple "Got your letter. I'm very flattered that you remember me after all this time - but I'm not interested. All the best, Patricia" might be a good first step. If he contacts you again afterwards, and you needed to take more action (like contact his HR dept) then you would be able to demonstrate unequivocally that you said no. If you don't do anything he might well contact you again as he may consider that the first letter didn't reach you. If necessary, set up a temporary email address, and email him from that email address.

 

The reason I'm giving a different perspective is that when I was 18 I was friends with a lovely lad. He wanted more, but I didn't, I didn't think about him like that at all and our friendship ended abruptly and sourly when I handled it really badly. And I handled the ending badly, so we lost touch.

 

I'm happily married (to someone else, obviously) and have been for 27 years now... but I do sometimes wonder about him. I have looked him up on Facebook a couple of times, and I did once look him up on LinkedIn. I've never contacted him, but I could imagine contacting him if my circumstances changed.

 

Of course I might be wrong and he might be a total creep.

[Alis girls]

I confess to looking up an ex who dumped me for the flatmate he slagged off - hes married to her now. Hes a back consultant and hasnt aged well - bald as a coot. The man I married (20 yrs this yr) is worth millions of him. Just looked out of interest. Wouldnt give him the time of day now - ripped out my heart and left me feeling all men are pigs which they arent. I think I had a lucky escape.