Omlet cube and run

[Chickendoodle]

My ex husbands wife died very suddenly last week at the age of 57 and it has stirred up some very interesting emotions.

She had been married to my ex for nearly 25 years following their affair and the subsequent divorces so has been stepmother to my 2 daughters for all this time, since they were very little. They have not had much contact at in the last 15 years or so but they used to go and stay with their Dad as children (not that often, maybe 4 or 5 times a year)

She was not a nice stepmother at all, very jealous that they even existed as they were a reminder of me (!) and was particularly nasty to my youngest daughter, who sensed even at the age of 2 that she was not liked and subsequently behaved quite badly. She had 3 children of her own.

I didn't find out the full extent of all of this abuse (most of it mental) until quite recently - my YD got married 2 years ago and was adamant that her stepmother was not to attend. This resulted in her having a long conversation with her Dad which cleared the air a bit - he was often out when they were staying as he was a military bandsman so did not see the full extent of the treatment (or he knew and shut his eyes to it for an easy life.)

 

You would think that a primary school head teacher would treat children better.

 

Anyway, my YD called to tell me the news and she sounded quite upset. When I chatted with her it was because she felt guilty that she didn't feel any emotion on hearing the news apart from sympathy for those who have lost her who did care for her. I said to her that she didn't have to like her stepmother any better just because she had died. I know we are not supposed to speak ill of the dead but equally we must remember them for who they were to us. She did me no favours and she made my childrens' lives very difficult.

 

As I said to my YD, it is certainly OK not to grieve the passing of her stepmother. Also, it means that my daughters are likely to have a better relationship with their Dad in the future as she actively prevented them seeing each other.

 

Even the writing of this makes me feel that these emotions are wrong. If course it is tragic that she has died so young, of course her family and friends will grieve for her but we will not.

[WitchHazel]

Don't feel bad, and don't think that your feelings are "wrong".

 

There is no need to speak ill of the dead, but death doesn't change an unlikeable person into a likeable one. It doesn't mean people should feign grief or sorrow.

 

There is no reason that you should feel anything (other than what you do) for your daughters stepmother.

 

Your daughters may find that they mourn more what could have been; or it might just stir up the feelings of hurt that they had as children.

 

People feel what they feel. It's how they handle the feelings that matter.

 

The stepmothe couldn't help the jealousy that she obviously felt when the girls were small. However, she * should * have handled her feelings better. She was the grown-up, and should have overcome her feelings.

[Alis girls]

Don't beat yourself up - dying doesnt make horrid people nicer and let those mourn her who loved her. Guilt is a normal part of life but dont let it get out of hand. Hope you and your daughter can get thro this - she is lucky to have a lovely supportive mum. Sadly just because someones a teacher, doctor or nurse doesnt make them a nicer person. for some power is not a good thing. ali x

[kinsk]

 

The stepmothe couldn't help the jealousy that she obviously felt when the girls were small. However, she * should * have handled her feelings better. She was the grown-up, and should have overcome her feelings.

 

Definitely agree with this.

 

I am a step mother with two step children who take every opportunity to show their resentment, but I have always encouraged their Dad to do the right thing etc.

 

Could the 'grief' actually be relief that she's gone and there will hopefully no longer be a barrier between them and their Dad?

 

Or, and I hate to say it, could it possibly be a bit of guilt at the way they behaved towards her? Having had accusations laid against me that certainly hadn't happened I know children can really brew up hatred out of feelings of loyalty to one parent and betrayal by the other.

[Chickendoodle]

I think it probably is relief, and knowing now more about her behaviour towards them I am not surprised.

 

As a professional dealing with children every day ( as I said she was a primary school head) you would think she would be better equipped to deal with children. My yd is 26 now and she still remembers sobbing at the dining table for 2 hours as her stepmother wouldn't let her get down until she had eaten her egg white ( my yd has never eaten egg white and probably never will ) . She was 4 or 5 at the time and my ed who is 2 years older also remembers it with horror. They said my ex was pleading with his wife to let her get down but she wouldn't give in and was not to be crossed, even by him. Just a small example but you get the gist.

 

I also have stepchildren and I know the relationship is not an easy one. They were much older and I would not have dreamt of disciplining them myself about anything as I didn't think it was my place.

 

All over now and no more issues with her - my daughters were worried about the relationship any future children would have with their dad but should be no problem now.

[kinsk]

I can remember a head teacher making me sit at a table for the rest of the afternoon to Ty to make me eat my lunch, so no they definitely don't know better. I cannot see how missing afternoon lessons is better than being forced to eat something that is making you gag!

 

Hopefully they can start rebuilding a relationship with their dad now, although must be hard for them to forgive him not standing up for them more

[soapdragon]

Just because someone has died does not mean that you should change your opinion of them - don't feel guilty just try to put that chapter behind you all and open a new one