Pro - Does anyone else's nest boxes get soaked in rain?

[Alis girls]

I really just need to let this out. As you know my dad has mild vascular dementia and lives alone in E Midlands and has good neighbours and my late mums sister and her husband about 6 miles away. he manages but has the odd mad moment which I usually find means some stress and sorting out by yours truely. Hes difficult, doesnt listen and stuborn - ring any bells? His brother lives in Essex with his second wife, he has 2 daughters and an ex wife (the mother) who seems to be very controlling. Years ago the ex wife and my mum fell out - dont ask me why or how - my cupboards are chock a block with skeletons Any way a few yrs back my cousins daughter started uni in the East Mids and dads brothers family used to drop in and see him too. fine with that - not sure why - probably being friendly but my mums sister wasnt very happy. She voiced her concerns to me but at the end of the day its up to dad to say if he doesnt want to see them. Sorry hope you are still with me!!

Well its dads birthday coming up - he wants a little do but as hes left it quite late (due early Feb) we decided as the weather is so unpredictable that he'd postpone till April also bearing in mind my boys both have exams. He didnt want to come to me but I was toying with driving up that weekend on my own, however yesterday out of the blue my eldest cousin calls. Not seen or spoken to her since 1985! They wanted to take dad out on his birthday as he would be alone (he'd told them that not remembering my mums sister and her OH) I said I'd speak to dad.

Long story short - my dads brothers ex rang whilst I was at work last night and bent my OH's ear about all this. OH who could write a soap on families said " oh hes coming down to us after all" Controlling aunt was taken aback and said she'd phone when I got in. I decided to call dad and tell him to come to us for his birthday and I'd tell my controlling aunt this. he was crying and saying he was sorry. I did point out to him they werent going to include my other aunt whos had a bad year with a fall and chronic leg ulcer and who despite our differences in the past I am fond of and close to as I can get as she can be spikey. I also think her husband might be starting with memory probs. I did tell my controlling aunt we'd bring dad to see his brother when weather improves.

 

Am I being selfish? I feel very much the filling in the sandwich with children and elderly and I know I'm not alone. OH is very supportive as he has had a bellyful of manipulative family in the past and a father who I helped him nurse.

 

Sorry its so long winded - I think its sorted but I dont really want to have to see this aunt or cousins on a regular basis as we've never been close - dads brother sound worse than him and doesnt like going out but I think it would be nice for them to see each other.

[soapdragon]

Yes, maybe a bit convoluted but I think that you have to be true to yourself and trust your feelings. Families are hard work but, equally, you have to think about how the dynamics work with your immediate family and go with that. Your own immediate family would, IMHO, opinion take priority but maybe there are compromises to be made?

 

If you just do what feels right for you your immediate family under the circumstances then there is little more to be done........go with what feels right and comfortable for you

[Alis girls]

Thanks Soapdragon - I asked OH if I was selfish Bless him he said "no" - well he had too. I will add my mum was controlling and I have fought long and hard to be my own woman - so I dont need this, however dad should see his brother as no one knows how long they have do they?

[soapdragon]

No, they don't but then maybe that shoud be their decision rather than yours and you stressing about it...you cannot be responsible for everyone else

[mullethunter]

You definitely aren't being selfish. Sounds like you're wishing you could keep everyone happy when in my experience that's very rarely the case with families.

 

I agree with Soapdragon - immediate family are the most important people. Try to do what's best for them (and you) and either hope the others will understand or accept that you may have to deal with a bit of fall out.

[Valkyrie]

No, I agree with everyone, you are not being selfish! Yes immediate family first and the others can fit in around whenever. If they don't like it, then let them do the fretting and have little temper tantrums because they are being the selfish ones. I think your dad would love a trip to yours with the grandchildren.

xxx