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[Phonix]

Hi Laura ive been away for a while and haven't had time to read the whole thread but just wanted to say that your friend is soo lucky to have you.

At the mo im at uni and have a friend here who's mum is terminal with cancer. My friend never appears to let it get her down or to be worried but when you know someone well you spot the little things.

Of all our group of friends she decided to tell me and we've talked about it a lot from her feelings to the practicalities of what will happen when the end comes. Its hard to hear a 20yo talking about the responsibilities she will have of making sure all the little things that her mum done for her are done for her younger brother and sister but i think that talking about it lets her see that all her friends are here and that she will be ok.

 

You're friend didn't have that from the sound of it but she did have YOU and you seem to have made a big difference and she's a very lucky girl to have a friend like you.

The main thing that you can do is just support her and be her friend and listen when she wants to talk.

 

Stacey

x

[Fizzle Knit]

Hi Laura,

I posted briefly the other day, but just wanted to say - take care of yourself too, from your recent postings it sounds like you're doing the supportive job your friend's father should be, and that must be very emotionally draining for you.

I know from my own experience that teenage bereavement is a lonely place to be, and as I said before you are being a wonderful friend.

It's good she has decided to go to counselling, it's so important to grieve, and if anyone tries to tell her that she should be "over it now" they are very wrong - two years after the loss of a mother is a very short time.

Thinking of you both - and her sister.

[hils78]

I've been thinking about this - and I think a letter from your mum to the step mum could be a good idea.

Just saying something along the lines of - 'It must be hard supporting a grieving family and if you want any help along the way let me know...I've always had contact with the girls from day1 and am really concerned about (your friends name) and the dad. Knowing the girls can I suggest that between us we organise a day out for them & their dad & you can come here & let off some steam while they're out re-building their relationship. I'm sure you're feeling the pressure doing all the good work emotionally & physically & imagine you could do with a bit of a shoulder yourself.....

 

Might be just the guilt trip she needs

[Steph101]

What your friend has been through is a lot more common than you think.

She must not beat herself up. I supported my best friend twenty years ago who's mom was dying from breast cancer, and she beat herself up rotten once she'd passed away, because during her illness she was off out clubbing with friends every night - but she was a teenager, and although this sounds incredibly selfish, I know her mum understood.

I wouldn't have done the same, but you can't judge, as everyone has their own way of dealing with things.

 

When my Grandad died three years ago, (who was more like my dad, as my mum divorced my father when I was a baby, so he acted like a 'father figure') I tortured for weeks myself because two days before he died, he complained of an upset stomach when I phoned him. I tried to cheer him up by making jokes and gave him a lecture on healthy eating! When mum rang to tell me he'd passed away in the night two days later, I was mortified and convinced it was my fault. But the fact is, I used to invite him for Sunday lunch every fortnight, which he loved. We'd pick him and he would spend the day playing with his grandchildren.

 

When my husband's father died in intensive care from an industrial lung disease six years ago, (they lived in Spain) her husband (my mother in law) was by his bedside 24/7.

One night, as she sat by his side in the hospital, she needed the loo, so left his side... when she got back, he'd passed away. She was riddled with guilt for months and didn't admit it for a long time. She said it was like he had waited till she left the room before departing.

 

The point is, hindsight is a wonderful thing; we could all say "if only I'd....", but we can't see into the future. And your frined's mum would have known her daughter loved her from the way she treated her the rest of the time. That's what counts. Not the last few moments.

 

As far as you are concerned though, I now how emotionally draining all of this can be, so it's really important for you to take care of yourself, take a step back. You can still be there for your friend, but don't make yourself ill. Your friend is alucky girl and her mum was obviously a well loved lady.

[hilda-and-evadne]

Is this me, or is this a bit strange ..

 

I was waiting at the bus stop to go to my friend house earlier. Stood there in the pouring rain and wind (if you stand inside the shelter, you cant hear/see the bus) .. Then I see this car driving towards me, it slows down, then the lady in it waved and smiled smugly and drove off. Then I realised who it was. My friends step mum. So when I get to her house, she says in a sarcastic voice "Oh, Laura, you look a bit wet & windswept." .... I pretended I hadn't heard her, then said to my friend "I was waiting at the bus stop and this stupid old woman slowed down and waved and smiled. Shoulda seen what she was wearing, what a state!" I know it sounds really horrible, but you should of seen the look on her face. Thats one nil to Laura .

 

It is most strange. I think your friend's step mother is terrified of you - but that may not be a bad thing.

[Fizzle Knit]

Thanks for updating. Sounds like the step-mum is dealing with it badly - she seems very insecure and needs to step back and let your friend/sister/dad deal with it how they want to. Hope your mum does speak to her.

Has your friend contacted Winston's Wish or the Child Bereavment Register? I'm sure they could be a help for her and her family.

[jackiepoppies]

Hi Laura,

 

IMO it would be quite normal for your friends dad to feel stressed at an anniversary like this and this stress can manifest itself in many ways such as anger. He may not have been able to grieve properly as he got a new wife quite quickly...I don't know.

 

I think it is incredibly insensitive of his new wife to try and ignore the signifigance of this time to her husband and his daughters. She should disappear for the day and let your friend, sister and dad mark the occasion in any way they feel appropriate for them, together, just the three of them.

 

Sorry, this isn't much help, but reading your post, I imagine I felt how your Mum did

 

Jackiex

[Lisa]

Sending BIG

 

at this difficult time for all.

 

You have done an amazing job Laura.

 

[..lay a little egg for me]

Hi Laura,

 

IMO it would be quite normal for your friends dad to feel stressed at an anniversary like this and this stress can manifest itself in many ways such as anger. He may not have been able to grieve properly as he got a new wife quite quickly...I don't know.

 

I think it is incredibly insensitive of his new wife to try and ignore the signifigance of this time to her husband and his daughters. She should disappear for the day and let your friend, sister and dad mark the occasion in any way they feel appropriate for them, together, just the three of them.

 

Sorry, this isn't much help, but reading your post, I imagine I felt how your Mum did

 

Jackiex

 

I agree absolutely. It takes years to get over a bereavement so 2 or 3 years is nothing. It is sometimes hard for people who have never been bereaved to understand this so perhaps this is also a factor in stepmum's behaviour. Hope your mum can speak to her and help her understand how insensitive she is being.

 

Your support of your friend through this is fantastic.

 

my hugs too to you and your friend.

x

[chickenanne]

Ooh, Scrambled, it's tough, isn't it?

The step-mothers' behaviour must be making it hard for all, too. It doesn't matter what her reasons are -if she is insecure re: your freinds Dad's feelings or not, she really needs to grow up and sort herself out.... she should want to help and support the family at this time, not make it harder for them all. Maybe she is thinking that it's better to "move on" and "not wallow"; people react so differntly to these things that sometimes it is difficult to know what to say/do: and the more self-centred /less willing to empathise people are the less likely they are to help.

I don't know. Perhaps someone having a word with your friends dad or step-mother would help. Is there a parents evening type thing at school when a concerned teacher could mention it?

[Egluntyne]

Oh dear. She is trying to divide and conquer you and your friend.

 

Has your friend spoken to a grief counsellor yet?

 

It still sounds as if your friend can't move on and is still missing her mother dreadfully.

[Plum]

Its very complicated. It must have been so hurtful having those things said to her at a time when she really felt missing her mum. At the same time can you imagine how her stepmum might have felt having those things said to her about what she did with her mum. My sister did the same with my step mum and I cringed, it was very insensitive.

The stuff she said about not wanting a daughter to your friend may have just been a knee jerk defensive thing and if she approaches her about it again she may get a different reaction. Her dad probably didn't react because he didn't know how to cope rather than not believe her.

Its all a bit of a mess isn't it. With regards to the comments about you, I don't know what to say. How can anyone think bad of you. I hope she's mistaken someone else for you not made it up, that is really evil.

You're a good friend for her.