4m x 3m Omlet pen, cube, new auto door still boxed and coop light

[Janty]

You are right in thinking that your friend needs to speak to someone. It is a shame that she is not getting the support she needs at home. Is your friend close to your Mum? If so, could Mum have a word and suggest seeing the doctor and asking for a referal. Do you go to the same school? If so, do you have a student counselling service? Maybe you could speak to the counsellor and she/he could speak to your friend, not saying that you had got involved but just a have a chat about how things are, etc. since Mum died.

 

She may decide in time that she needs to talk. Bereavement hits people in different ways and at different times. We had a pupil at one school where I taught who coped really well when his Dad died. About three years later it hit him, he became anorexic and went from being really successful at school to not even being able to sit his GCSEs. Thankfully he is back on track now but it took a while.

 

I hope your friend can find the right professional people to help.

She is lucky to have you as a friend in the mean time.

 

Best wishes,

 

Jan

[Snowy]

Aww, bless her, and bless you for being such a good friend - that will be very important to her, even if you feel as though you don't know how to help her, you are being helpful just by giving her someone to talk to.

 

Do reassure her that most of what she is feeling is very normal - I lost my Mum to cancer a few years ago and although I know she knew she was loved and cared for, the guilt often manages to creep in - could I have done things differently etc. That is normal and is a part of the grieving process. It does get easier.

 

It is being made harder for her at present because of the fast changes within the family - sounds like things are moving forward before she feels ready for them to move. She can't force others to remember her Mum, but maybe she could do something herself to remember her Mum by. What about a s"Ooops, word censored!"book of photos of her Mum or researching her family tree on her Mums side. I've done both of those and although very poignant (I keep kicking myself that I didn't ask her about things while I had the chance!) it has helped me to get to know her better and is a physical reminder that she was and still is a big part of our family.

 

I hope this helps a little (((hugs))) and for your friend as well.

[AnnieP]

What a great friend you are!

Your friend will just appreciate having somebody to talk things through with. You really do not need to give advice or offer solutions: Just the fact that you listen and empathise with her will help her. She probably feels very isolated in her new situation. It must be horrid for her. There are no solutions to her situation, it is just a case of her working through it and accepting what has happened. All you can really do is listen and let her know that you understand what she is going through. It sounds like you are doing that.

An important point here. It sounds selfish, but I am going to say it nevertheless. Look after yourself too and don't let this get you down. Sometimes when somebody is leaning on you a lot it can get rather depressing. It is great that you are such a great friend, but remember you both need to go out and have fun!

[Egluntyne]

Poor girl. She is lucky to have your friendship.

 

It sounds as if she needs ro have some grief counselling.

 

Is there someone at school that she could talk to who could point her in the right direction?

 

Tell her that hr Mum will have known that she loved her and that things said in the heat of the moment in a little family tiff aren't meant.

[BeckyBoo]

Can I just say how impressed I am with the "young people" (not trying to sound patronising) that post on here. You sound very mature and caring in what is a sad situation. It's a real shame her Dad and the rest of her family seem unable to recognise what she is going through, it's a difficult enough age anyway and losing her Mum must have been terrible.

I really only wanted to say, as a Mum, that my eldest has said to me on several occasions that she hates me. She has shouted it at me with vehemance and with complete hatred in her voice. But I know that, although right there and then she really does hate me, she never stops loving me. I never believe for one minute that she really hates me permanently. And your friends Mum will have known it was anger that fuelled those statements and that she was loved by your friend. Mums forgive allsorts from their children without ever being asked because a condition of being a Mum is unconditional love. Please tell your friend that her Mum would have known that she didn't mean it, would have known how much she was loved and would have loved her right back. I can't imagine her Mums anguish at knowing she was going to leave her children but I imagine she would desperately have wanted your friend to find a way to carry on and remember her with smiles and love. If she can't do that with her Dad and his new family then at least she can do it with you. There could be any number of reasons why her Dad won't discuss it, I can only hazard guesses, maybe it's too painful, maybe he is unable to deal with your friends hurt as he is afraid of what will come with it.

 

I hope your friend finds a way to come to terms with the greatest loss there can be. You sound like a fabulous friend

 

Mrs B

[AnnieP]

Hey, maybe you could show your friend people's resposes on here?..

We have lots of mums who would all be willing to say that they KNOW their daughters love them, no matter what is said during heated moments!

[Looney]

I can only echo what others have said. Your poor friend You are being a great and very supportive friend and at least you are someone that she can talk to about her mum and it will help that you knew her too so can share memories.

 

Perhaps your friend could 'book' some time in with her father for just the two of them to talk uninterrupted? She could write him a letter explaining that she would like a bit of time with him to talk about the last couple of years and the future. It need not go into details about exactly how she is feeling or how she feels about the new family etc. A letter means she can get the request across without backing down or the words not coming out right. He can read it without the interruptions of other family members who may otherwise feel the need to chip in to a conversation. It will also give him time to consider and digest before responding rather than having to provide an instant response under pressure.

 

I'm not suggesting this is the best course of action but it worked for a friend of mine whose father committed suicide and (long and very complicated story) her family started distancing themselves from her. She wrote a very short letter to her mum basically saying 'I love you, I need to talk to you about what has happened, I need my Mum to myself for a few hours, I miss you, I'm worried about how to cope'. She managed to have a (brief) talk with her Mum as a result and that spurred her on to go and talk to a professional about her grief and her guilty feelings.

 

The other thing is to perhaps just come out and ask your friend if she has thought about going to speak to someone. She is a close friend and friends should be able to say things like that to each other. I'm sure you could phrase it in a gentle enough way so as not to offend or upset her. You can always say that you read a thread on a forum and a few people said how talking to a professional helped then a great deal....

[BeckyBoo]

She wrote a very short letter to her mum basically saying 'I love you, I need to talk to you about what has happened, I need my Mum to myself for a few hours, I miss you, I'm worried about how to cope'. She managed to have a (brief) talk with her Mum as a result and that spurred her on to go and talk to a professional about her grief and her guilty feelings.

 

The other thing is to perhaps just come out and ask your friend if she has thought about going to speak to someone. She is a close friend and friends should be able to say things like that to each other. I'm sure you could phrase it in a gentle enough way so as not to offend or upset her. You can always say that you read a thread on a forum and a few people said how talking to a professional helped then a great deal....

 

 

Excellent advice, well thought of Looney

[buffie]

Laura you are such a good and caring friend and I can only echo what's been written here. The forum is such a caring place

 

This is a link to Cruse, who work with those who have lost someone. This link is for their young peoples section and I believe they have various types of support, from telephone to face to face available and also publications and leaflets. If I come across anything else I will let you know.

 

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/helping_young_people.html

 

I wish her well and once again well done for looking to help your friend.

 

Buffie x

[Cooks]

just wanted to add what a good friend you are, if we all had a friend like you the world would be a happier/safer place.

[cammy73]

Laura,

 

I'm just echoing whats been said already....but I wish I'd had a friend like you when I was younger!

 

Good luck to you and your friend...

 

Sharon x

[hilda-and-evadne]

You are being a very good, dear, person to your friend but she does need trained grief counselling to get through this. When a young girl loses her mother just as she herself is growing into womanhood, it horribly complicates an already terrible loss. Your friend needs to go to her GP and simply say: I can't get over the death of my mother, please refer me to a grief counsellor.

 

In the meantime, you can tell your friend as often as she needs to hear it that her mum would understand and has forgiven everything.

 

I have to say, too, that she might be happier not living with her father and step-family and boyfriend. It sounds a very lonely place to be. With the best will in the world, it must be so hard to look at her father and step-mother having a life together and not get really very angry ("that should be my mother, pouring tea, giving him a kiss, cuddling up together while watching tv") - I don't think that, in her place, I could ever get used to that - it is more than a grieving daughter can be asked to bear.

[hils78]

I think its good you're having a good old cry too! we as humans bottle far too much up - I'm still trying to deal with things as they happen & not bottle things up which manifest into something far worse.

The first thing I thought was that she needs to be with you at your house. She knows that all your family are there & it takes a lot to ask to do something when you're grieving. The 'normality' of your place will prob be a big comfort to her when everything around her is changing. Stick by her - sounds like you mean the world to each other...

[hilda-and-evadne]

the school does have people there she can talk to, but my mum said that she might get upset in school and then that might put her off her work or something.

 

I am certain that what your friend is going through - "stuck" in grief at the loss of possibly the most important person in her young life - is affecting her work, already. Working through the grief with lots of support means progress, not being stuck, and in the end will be worth it.

 

When we chat, she says that she thinks she ought to see someone, but then thinks her dad would be angry for not talking to him. But he isn't prepared to talk about it, so she can't win either way can she? ..

 

He's too close and also he has, in his way, "dealt with" his loss by remarrying. He has chosen and married a new wife; your friend does not have a new mother.

 

This is going to sound really weird but here goes .. If she came to stay, I know I'd feel really mean .. because I'd have all my family there, including my mum, and I think that maybe it would seem like I'm rubbing it in if I was to say "mum whats the time?" for example. Not sure if that makes any sense though?

 

Your friend needs a real, ordinary home environment with people who have known her since way back, like as long as her own mum knew her. Your worry is understandable but you seem so sensitive and fond of your friend, and your home is a familiar place for her that is a "constant", ie was there before her mother died. After all, in her home, her step-family's very presence is a constant rubbing in that her mother has gone. They would not be there, if she were still alive. And they are not respecting her grief, which I think is absolutely awful.

 

I dont want to force her to go and see someone if she doesn't feel ready.

 

Don't worry, no professional would agree to see someone who had been coerced into it.

 

perhaps her and her dad can do a session with a councellor without the evil step mother there.

 

The step-mother CANNOT be there. It would be totally inappropriate and possibly very damaging to your friend.

 

most of her 'friends' have ditched her since her mum died, because she went all quiet and distant for a few weeks.

 

Supporting someone who has experienced such a terrible loss is very hard work, as you are finding, because they are in such pain all the time. Your friend is fortunate to have you but she does need someone trained to help her work through her loss and come out the other side, instead of being "stuck". (People do get stuck in the grieving process. Queen Victoria did, after the death of Prince Albert.)

 

A world-famous specialist in adult grief reactions (and himself a very kind man) once said: grief is the price we pay for loving, and it is a price worth paying.

Edited August 21, 2008 by Guest

[hilda-and-evadne]

The first thing I thought was that she needs to be with you at your house. She knows that all your family are there & it takes a lot to ask to do something when you're grieving. The 'normality' of your place will prob be a big comfort to her when everything around her is changing.

 

I thought this, too. But she would need her own room and some commitment from your family about how long she could stay. Eg until after A-levels? Would that be possible?

 

Also, your friend's Dad will be in receipt of various State benefits designed to help bring up children. I forget what they are called now. Getting the Dad/step-mother to hand these over to your parents to help with looking after your friend might turn out to be impossible.

 

I'll say here, I've been a step-mother to a teenage girl who came to live with her father and me (I had nothing to do with his divorcing his first wife) while she went through the sixth form. It was the girl's own choice but her mother started World World III about having to give up receiving the State benefits for her daughter (and the girl's father receive the benefits instead). I stayed out of the fight, because it was nothing to do with me, but it was terrible to watch (eg huge slanging matches on the telephone, between mother and daughter). Not the same as in your friend's case but I just wanted to sound cautious about this: people are very peculiar about money, especially "free" money.

[Donna_0]

Laura, I have a lump in my throat..I wish that everyone had a friend like you, you sound so caring . I think everyone on here has given such good advice, I don't think I could add much more to what has been suggested.

I'm sure it means a lot to her that she has you to talk to about her feelings, as it seems she can't express them to anyone else. She really needs time alone with her dad to sit and talk..it is probably just as painful for him and he maybe feels like moving on will take the pain away for him and the rest of the family, but I guess it just gets disguised. She should try and speak with her dad first, and if there is no luck then he can't complain if she seeks help elsewhere. I hope in time she stops hurting and remembers all of the good things about her mum. She is so lucky to have you x

[jlo]

I would just like to echo what everyone else has said to you. Your friend must feel constantly in pain and some normal family life would hopefully help. Are you able to talk all these problems through with your mum. I know that there must be some release by putting it all down on this forum but you need to take care of your own emotional health as well as your friend's.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

What a sad situation for your poor friend. She really is lucky to have you to help her through it. I can't really add anything more to what others have said except to suggest that perhaps you could ask your mum if she can try to build a relationship with your friend again. You say they haven't spoken since your friend's mum died? Your mum will have been deeply affected by it too but perhaps she could help your friend by talking about her mum (something she can't seem to get at home). She will have memories to share and will also be able to reassure her about her worries.

 

Look after yourself and good luck. I hope your friend does manage to come and stay with you - I'm sure it will help her.

[Hen Watch]

What a lovely friend you are.

 

A mother loves her child from the moment they are born and you cannot tell someone how that feels until you give birth yourself and then all of a sudden you realise just how much your parents love you. I didn’t realise that until I was 27 !!!! Parental love is 2 way and I know that when my children “hate” me that it is a moment of anger and nothing more. Her mother will have been the same. Sometimes I get annoyed with my children and shout and scream but I always love them and I know that they love me too. So tell your friend that her mother will have known she loved her even if she forgot to say “I love you” or argued with her Mum.

 

Your friend doesn’t need to apologise for anything. Mothers understand a lot. Mothers (and Fathers) were also children and young adults once and we know what it is like growing up.

 

Your friend has started to talk to you about this so this is a good start. In time, when she is ready, she may find it useful to speak to her Dad, a councillor or even her doctor.

 

Her Dad will still love her and will do forever. If he has re-married it may seem to her that her Mum is being forgotten but grown-ups grieve as well and her Dad’s remarriage means he has someone he can be close to and share new things with not that he has forgotten her Mum. His new wife is not a replacement for her mother and is just another person who makes her Dad feel happy. I expect his new wife is finding it really hard to know what is best to do. If she does nothing and ignores the situation it may look as if she doesn’t care for your friend, and if she gets too involved it may feel to your friend as if she is taking over. It will be very hard for your friend to understand that her Dad’s new wife probably doesn’t know how to deal with things either. I’m afraid that adults don’t always know quite what to do for the best either and sometimes it is hard for us too.

 

I know she will feel angry that her parents didn’t tell her how poorly her Mum was. We don’t get any training on how to be parents. It is hard to know what to do for the best. As a parent your gut instinct is to protect your child. And sometimes not telling them the full story may be something an adult does to protect their child. Some adults may tell their child everything, but you want to make life as easy as possible for your children, especially if you know they have to go through something as hard as losing a parent. And it may be that trying to go on as normally as possible when her Mum was ill (and remind her that having disagreements is also part of normal family life) was the best way for her Mum and Dad to cope with the situation. I expect they will have talked long and hard about it too.

 

Looking after and worrying about your friend is a lovely thing to do and she will appreciate your help, but please do take care of yourself as looking after someone else is stressful too at any age.

[BERTIE MCSQUIRTY]

gosh this has taken me back to when i was 15.

 

i lost my dad (through cancer) at that age - i never said goodnight either before he passed away (and regretted it for years) - and i also regretted not taking the time to tell him that i loved him either.

 

my mum did a similar thing too.....although she abandoned us (aged 16, 15 and 13) and went on holiday to greece, where she met some greek guy and didnt come back for months, leaving us to fend for ourselves. she married some bloke a few months later on her return. our neighbours picked up the pieces and god knows how we weren't removed by social services.

 

we were really angry with her for doing this to us when we needed her most, we never even got a proper time to say goodbye to our dad (who we loved dearly), his ashes were scattered without our knowledge and we have only just found out where (i'm 39)

 

since i have "grown up" i have learned to feel more at ease with myself - the important thing for me was to acknowledge how much i loved my dad - i made (with my sister) a keepsake book of photos and memories which i read occasionally. this showed the positive relationship and echoed the good times - which seemed to override the heartache of not saying that final farewell.

 

i did receive grief counselling through the local church despite not being religious. talking it through with someone (even if they do not answer) can be really helpful.

 

i have also learned that people deal with grief in different ways - i too laughed my socks off (i still do when i cannot deal with sad information) its just the way i am - it doesn't mean i am happy - its just a form of emotional relief when i cant express myself in a sticky situation. i am more accepting of my mother, although our relationship is not the best - its the best i have got and we try and get on - she was 37 at the time and was petrified - her marriage didnt last long - but she now has a secure marriage with a man who i adore.

 

would it be helpful for you, your mum and your friend to write a keepsake memoire together about her mum - perhaps your mum could write some stories in her book about some of the good times they shared ( i had one of my dads friend writing about a village disco - where my dad was bladded and did some stupid things)

 

grief is a difficult situation to be in- but it needs to happen to be able to move on with your life and to feel some peace

i hope this helps

[Looney]

I remember laughing when I was told my Grandad had died. I was about 10 at the time and knew he had been ill and had seen the effects his stomach cancer was having on him. When I was told the news I think laughing was my body's way of releasing all the worry and pressure that I had been carrying waiting for the news. I cried afterwards and felt guilty for having laughed but I can rationalise it now and realise that you can't control your reaction to news like that.

[stoice]

You are an inspiration to your friend and all of us, Laura. I'm in an office of blokes (The only girl here on this floor) and am sitting at my desk blubbing my eyes out. Getting very strange looks now Not much to add to what everyone here has said before but I'm glad she had a little chat with her Dad, it's a great start and I think the memory box and perfume is a fantastic idea.

 

Love and hugs to you and your friend in such a trying and emotional time. xxxx

[cathybc]

glad I am sat at home alone with no mascara on - blubbing loads too

 

Your friend is very lucky to have you, I was sad to read that some of her other friends had distanced themselves from her; lots of people (myself included!) are often not sure what to do when someone loses a loved one. But from recent experience, friends who are there for you, despite your understandable mood changes, are the best.

 

The memory box was a lovely idea. It looks as though things are getting better - there will no doubt be relapses - but just keeping being a good friend.

[Tiggy]

you are a very caring friend your friend is lucky to have you at this difficult time to help her through, I can only echo all the good advice given already, it must be very diffcult for your friend to accept that her Dad seems to have moved on so quickly after her Moms death, we all react differently to losing someone close - big ((HUG)) to you both

[The Dogmother]

Poor girl.

She needs you around, you're the friend who sticked with her.You need to be practical, but caring. Mabye she could stay with you for a while, to calm her down and give her a bit of space from her family.She may be having sleepless nights, and need someone familiar to comfort her. She might not want too much attention though, and the rest of her family will seem like distant strangers.

 

Good luck,

Rosie