CAMPYLOBACTER: Anyone else had it?

[Busybird]

Having chosen to spend the festive season curled up at home with my family I have been making a big effort over the last couple of weeks to catch up with friends - only to discover that two of them had a major falling out over New Year. We live in a village and socialise together regularly so this will affect all of us.

 

Both ladies are very upset but adament that the other is totally wrong. Both are giving the same version of events but from different perspectives. Having spoken to both at length I can see that the row at New Year had been brewing for at least a couple of years.

 

I am friends with both but have been closer to H for several years. However, I sympathise more with S as I have been frustrated by H's attitude to a great many things over the years. She is very sensitive and expects people to do what she wants and accomodate her requests. She is also very open, friendly and kind although blind to her children's faults and too ready to blame others for slights and perceived put downs.

 

I have lost count of the number of times that I have phoned up the morning after a night out to apologise for a comment that she took the wrong way that turned the evening sour. I have also stopped taking my children along to family events if her children will be there as I know that when squabbles happen she will be looking to all the other adults to sort out their children as hers have come complaining to her about their treatment. She has openly accused other children of lieing because they contradict her children's version of events.

 

Anyway, I now feel in a bit of a predicament. Ideally I would like to stay friends with both. However, H knows that I go on walks with S and is asking me what S is saying about her. Do I refuse to discuss this when I know that it helps H likes to talk about what is bothering her and that this fall out is very much on her mind? I am also aware that by empathising with S (which I do) I risk this getting back to H and her feeling very let down by me.

 

I am uncomfortable with how childish this all seems. I discuss these sorts of playground fall outs with my children all the time. With most of my friends we could talk openly and accept each others point of view but H is not like that. I don't want to fall out with her, especially now when I think she needs a friend, but it is hard to be honestly sympathetic when she is looking to me to back up her views on how badly S has treated her

[Chook n Boo Mum]

That's a difficult one BB...would it be possible to get the two of them into a room & bang their heads together....it sounds like that would be a reasonable start

 

I hope you manage to come out of this situation still friends with them both, but I fear that H is going to "throw her toys out of the pram" sooner or later & it will be at her own cost if she loses two friends due to her childish behaviour.

 

Seriously, as some time has passed & they are obviously still interested in each other, would it be possible to get them together & talk as adults about the argument? At least you will have tried..... ultimately they have to realise that they can both be friends with you, just not with each other until they sort out their differences.......... if they can't do that they have to stop making you suffer in the middle

 

I hope it sorts itself out, squabbling friends is no fun

 

Sha x

[chickenanne]

Both ladies are very upset but adament that the other is totally wrong. ....I can see that the row at New Year had been brewing for at least a couple of years.......I have lost count of the number of times that I have phoned up the morning after a night out to apologise for a comment that she took the wrong way.....

 

Do I refuse to discuss this when I know that it helps H likes to talk about what is bothering her and that this fall out is very much on her mind? I am also aware that by empathising with S (which I do) I risk this getting back to H and her feeling very let down by me.

 

that sounds really awkward. I've quoted very selectively, but hope you won't feel as if it's a total misquote: I always think it's really cheeky to do that! But my thoughts:

 

I would not want to enter conversations with eitehr H or S into why the other is in the wrong. Nor would I want to be nodding and saying "yes, that is terrible" etc when you don't belive it yourself. You can't allow H to use you as an information source on S, by asking what S has said to you. That won't help either of them, but you could attempt to steer the conversation as to the details of WHY did H feel a certain way at S comment?

 

And perhaps you could point out to her what a difficult position you have been put into.

 

Personally, it sounds as if H is as you say, over-sensitive. But her being so willing to take offence at her freinds comments is maybe a step beyond that: you have to trust that your freinds love you, and therefore the morning after once the dust has settled a lot of people are able to see that they took a comment the "wrong way".

[Redwing]

I would also not discuss either with either, say simply that they are both your friends and you value them both so would not be put in an uncomfy position

 

If they value your friendship they will have to be happy with that

[majorbloodnock]

I'd strongly suggest you lay out the ground rules with both of them. Assuming you don't want to take sides, let them both know that.

 

However, sitting on the fence doesn't mean you have to stop being available for your friends to talk to; just to be clear where acceptable ends and unacceptable begins. For me, the distinction is in who is the subject of any discussion; there's a world of difference between "such and such happened. Am I right in feeling this way?" and "is (s)he wrong in doing such and such to me?". You're not King Solomon, and don't have any executive rights to pass judgement, so shouldn't be expected to try and do so. What you as a friend can be expected to do is act as a sounding board by which your friends can work out their own problems, and there's nothing to stop you doing exactly that for both parties at the same time.

 

I freely admit that it takes plenty of skill and not a little moral courage to arbitrate between disputing friends without taking sides, and if either of your friends has unreasonable expectations of you, you'll still risk losing their friendship. However, are friendships with those sorts of strings attached worth maintaining?

[Happy chickens!]

Honesty is usually best policy. tell them both you value their friendship, that you hope they value yours and ask them if they cant sort out differences to not ask you to take sides.

 

or tell them to grow up - life would be very boring if we were all the same and thought the same. i disagree with some of my best friends over some things, but we agree to differ and move on as we can be mature about it. life is too short and precious to waste over stuff like this.

[Busybird]

Thank you for reading and advising I think that I need to take a step back from H but be there if she calls.

 

I wish that I could tell her to grow up but one of the reasons this has all happened is that we have all treaded carefully around her sensitivities for years so when S actually lost it on New Year's Eve and told her what she thought H took it as an unwarranted slap in the face. S admits that she shouldn't have lost it but having said what she thinks for once is not inclined to apologise.

 

It is unfortunate that this episode seems to have unleashed all the frustrations that the rest of the group have felt about H for years but haven't felt able to discuss. There is a real backlash against H amongst those she considers her friends - hence my wish to support her emotionally even if I do feel that she has rather brought this on herself. She can only see betrayal - not that her behaviour has caused anything.

 

I'll do my best to be a supportive friend to both and see how it goes. Really I have it easy as I was not involved in the original row. H and S's husbands do several sports regularly together so must be feeling awful about this whole situation

[A chickychickychick-ENN!!]

Heck! Good luck!

 

Seconding Redwing and Wild Mum.

[Alis girls]

I lost a very good friend because of her manipulative lying 3 yr old. We met at ANC and had our babies 3 days apart. She like OH was British born Cypriot married to an English man who had a grown up son from 1st marriage. We all met up in cyprus and the kids being kids fell out. A few days before we had visited her mums house on the Island and the gran had told my Oh what a little madam this little girl was. She and her poor husband flounced out of our appartment which we were staying in dragging little madam with her. Luckily ES didnt suffer any worries re not seeing his friend again. Having dragged myself out of a pit of PND I was distraugt but on return to Uk I did not contact her. Children can be very manipulative.

I would stay well out of it. Explain you want to be friends with both and wont bad mouth the other. She will realise in time that her kids are maunipulative - but by then the damage will be done and difficult to deal with. Good Luck

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I can't really add to the great advice above but wanted to say you sound like a lovely, caring and sensitive friend. Both your friends would do well to realise that .