Louise Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 I am supposed to be working Couldn't resist this Before I offend anyone my Father is from Glasgow, I live in the Borders and work in Edinburgh DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2007 (HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL) GLASGOW REGION Name.......................................... Nickname...................................... Gangname.................................... 1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram? 2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single? 3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final? 4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres? 5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have? EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief? EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION Name.......................................... Rugby Club.................................. Daddy's Company......................... 1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Hamish and Hector BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets? 2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have? 3. Alasdair wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Alasdair becomes the Lord Advocate? 4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone? 5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to F**k off and get a job ?. HIGHLANDS REGION Name.................................. Glen.................................... Clan ................................ 1. After Archie Snr's death, Archie Jnr has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle Estate. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss? 2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids? 3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised? 4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures? Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Very funny indeed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theherd123 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 I like it when folks can see the funny side of their own heritage! I should know - im a northerner complete with flat cap and whippet! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 ..............I am from Henley-on-Thames & I mince about in tweed,saying What-ho to the yokels Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feemcg Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Love it - very funny! All you guys going to Edinburgh next weekend got your change ready for the beggars? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Nice one Louise! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cate in NZ Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 very funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola H Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Thanks for that louise cheered me up on a bad day............ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 I like it when folks can see the funny side of their own heritage! I should know - im a northerner complete with flat cap and whippet! Ditto!! Very funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 Just a spot of Banter between the Weejies and Edinburgers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Just a spot of Banter between the Weejies and Edinburgers Huh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 These are really funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Just a spot of Banter between the Weejies and Edinburgers "Mad Malky" makes me laugh, even if it's not in the surroundings of a joke. I used to do stocks in a pub in Glasgow, where the manager was known as 'Mad Malky MacDonald', despite the fact his real name was Colin MacDonald.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 Just a spot of Banter between the Weejies and Edinburgers Huh People from Edinburgh call people from Glasgow Weejies and people from Glasgow call people from Edinburgh Edinburgers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...