Mrs Frugal Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 Ooooh Gina ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted September 27, 2005 Author Share Posted September 27, 2005 I'm running away very fast and hiding now..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 A 'blonde' joke I heard recently - apologies to any real blondes! Two blondes walked into a building. You'd have thought one of them would have seen it! What do you call a Chav in a box? A: Innit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted September 27, 2005 Author Share Posted September 27, 2005 That made me chuckle behind my hand Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted September 27, 2005 Author Share Posted September 27, 2005 A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola H Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 Very funny Gina............. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 good jokesTwo blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick I'm back! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 That is really funny. And I hadn't heard it before! What a good start to the day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted September 28, 2005 Author Share Posted September 28, 2005 Love it !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 Glad to be of assistance. Most of the jokes come via work. We have a strict e-mail policy so we are not meant to send or receive anything other than work related e-mails - but as most of them come from one of the director's p.a. I figured that I was unlikely to be sacked.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 And for all us "typists" out there............. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted September 29, 2005 Author Share Posted September 29, 2005 Oh, I love that - it's brilliant isn't it. Totally amazing how you just coast through the words and read it woth no problems. Is taht how you tpye tehn Mel? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 yup if it wsnat four splel cehck I wuold be totaltly lsot! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 Seen it before but had a good chuckle anyway Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 Here are some good ones sent by a friend in IT support: These people really do exist!! Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right? Customer: Yeah.... Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using? Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen..... Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! =============== Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... =============== Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... =============== Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? ============== = Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it! =============== Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... =============== Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. =============== Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought fo r me in the supermarket. =============== Customer: My keyboard is not w orking anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work =============== Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? =============== Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my coll eague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. =============== Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. =============== Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. =============== Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? =============== A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine." =============== And last but not least:.... Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 Priceless Clare - made me laugh till I snorted!! My friend in New Zealand sent me this a few weeks ago - she's a mine of great funnies is Sue! CUSTOMER SERVICE This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee... "Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well , there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power failure." "A power....... a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too ****** stupid to own a computer." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 That one still makes me laugh Kate - I remember Wordperfect! Talk about snorting, here are a couple, the first one is funny, the 2nd is lovely: If you are thinking of expanding the family Some of you have already taken the step, but for others, there is still time for the tests... Follow these 15 simple tests before you decide to have children. . . Test 1 Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans. Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time. Test 2 Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. Test 3 To discover how the nights will feel . . . 1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. 2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. 3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am 4) Set the alarm for 3am. 5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea. 6) Go to bed at 2. 45am. 7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. 9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off 10) Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. Test 4 Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems. 1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag. 2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning. Test 5 Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don t think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. 1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player. 3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat. 4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. . perfect! Test 6 Get ready to go out. 1) Wait 2) Go out the front door. 3) Come in again. 4) Go out. 5) Come back in. 6) Go out again. 7) Walk down the front path/driveway. Walk back up it. 9) Walk down it again. 10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. 11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. 12) Retrace your steps. 13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you. 14) Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Test 7 Repeat everything you say at least 5 times. Test 8 Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. Test 9 1) Hollow out a melon. 2) Make a small hole in the side. 3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side 4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. 5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone. 6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child. Test 10 Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years. Test 11 Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look ? Test 12 Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy " - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler. Test 13 Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. Test 14 Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now: 1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it. 2) Stir. 3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture. 4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel. 5) Do NOT change. You have no time. 6) Go directly to work. Test 15 Go for a drive, but first. . . . 1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls. 2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car. 3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car. 4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat. 5) For the really adventurous. . . . Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop. You are now ready to have kids! ************************************************* THE ONE FLAW IN WOMEN By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke! and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a s"Ooops, word censored!"ed knee to a broken heart - and she will do everything with only two hands." The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days." The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish. “Will she be able to think?� asked the angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate." The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "OOPS, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." "That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride!� The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing." And she is!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colours. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola H Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 to Clare and kate you have cheered me up today thanks for that....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted October 6, 2005 Author Share Posted October 6, 2005 Test 1Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans. Is this true!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 10% - that much!!! Took me years to get rid of 5%!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted October 6, 2005 Author Share Posted October 6, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 Just kidding! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 I'm sorry, but all those techno problems make perfect sense to me! (I work with tech engineers and hear lots of these - I ask them to have patience with us technophobes ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
