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[winterwren]

hi there, I have just been going through this thread and have seen some wonderful advice from every one. All I wanted to say was please please do not feel bad about yourself as a parent. Children dont come with manuals and they are all so very much different to each other. All parents can do is try their best. The fact that you are worried about the situation says that you care very much indeed.

 

As a child worker/sexual health worker all I can say is that you are not alone and there are many young girls who I see every day. Young people by their nature will do what they choose quite brazenly or covertly! A good way I have learnt in talking with young girls is the praise sandwich. Say that you are upset about the situation but that you are proud she is taking precautions but you are a little dissapointed and wished she would have spoken to you.

 

so... Bad thing - Good thing - bad thing ... I hope that makes sense

 

I really hope your talk goes well and I will send you lots of stength and positive thoughts.

[Chickendoodle]

Hi I just wanted to say I went through a very similar situation with my then 15 yr old ED some 10 years ago. She had a couple of years of being completely off the rails, I couldn''t talk to her most of the time and I was in absolute despair. I don't think I had a peaceful night's sleep for a few years with the worry. There were brief times tho when she was her old lovely self and I let her know then that I loved her and she could always rely on me.

 

I don't know how old you are but I was 15 in the mid 70's and sex underage or even before marriage was still taboo and the subject was never mentioned in my family. A 15 yr old having sex would have meant that she had no morals at all. I was completely devastated when I found out my DD was having sex at 15 but my hurt and disappointment

was my 1970's brain reacting. Youngsters nowadays have a much more relaxed and casual attitude to sex (not saying this is better or worse, just what it is) and you need to try and look at it with a slightly diferent head.

 

Looking back now I realise that you cannot make your children into what you think they should be. You can guide, love and advise but ultimately they are their own person, not an extension of you, and as such they will do things differently.

 

My ED is now 24, has worked in social services for 4 years in a very responsible job dealing with the elderly and is now at Uni studying for her social work degree. She lives with her accountant BF and is a delightful and caring human being.

 

Hang on in there and ride the storm as you will be OK. It is probably too late now but I would take the view that I would not tell my OH as this is such a private matter for your DD. For reasons I will not go into my OH had to be told but I would really rather he had remained in blissful ignorance for a bit longer.

[Margalot]

I just wanted to thank you all for your advice, its nice to have so many tips given. I texted my daughter whilst she was still at school, to tell her that I wasnt angry but that we needed to talk about this when she got home. It was probably a good thing as by that time I was thinking more logically and the anger bit had subsided!

 

I took her for her hair appointment and on the way I pulled over so we could talk. It was much better than I had expected, she was upset but we managed to sort it out and I used so many of the expressions posted on here you wouldnt believe! I was calm and supportive and we have laid down a few ground rules. I feel better today, know she is sensible, If Its true its only happened the once, and according to her she is never doing it again.... (I did laugh inwardly when she said this) I did explain that she would invariably fall in love one day and yes she would actually be thinking about it again someday. but the door is open for her to come to me so she can be sure she is being safe. As for my OH I havent told him, after discussing it so calmly with her and that it was just canoodling that went a bit further, I really think that he is better off not knowing as the potential for a major bust up would probably make things worse!

 

I am so glad for the advice and that I had chance to calm down before our talk as my initial reaction was to ground her take away facebook etc etc. I just feel a liitle bit sad that she has wasted what I would have hoped would be a special moment, I mean "Ooops, word censored!"ody forgets their first time do they?

 

Thank you all soooooooooo much

[abwsco]

Glad that the talk went well. There's a couple of things I haven't told my DH about in relation to our DD's (now 18 & 19) and I know my Mum did the same with me and my Sis.

[Chucky Mama]

Thank you for the update. So many of us were thinking of you Well done - both of you. Hopefully this can be the start of a new relationship where you can both be more open, honest and supportive of each other. Make sure that you tell her how you are feeling yourself at the moment. Give her the opportunity to love and care for you too Talk often, hug lots and cherish each other. 14, she'll be gone before you know it

[chicken bark]

Just to echo what Chucky Mama has said. Thank you for updating us I had been thinking of you. I hope this brings you closer to one another. x

[TheGirlsMum]

Thank you for telling us all about this I'm glad you were able to talk about it. I'm dreading this situation my eldest is 11 and has just started at High school so at the moment we are dealing with petty bullying issues so I will have to remember to look back in here in years to come. It is fantastic to have such a great source of help from you all with your previous experiences.

[Alis girls]

So pleased and well done - both of you. Its so difficult and this is not a nice place to bring up kids so much peer pressure and they are not kids for long enough. I think you've found a lot of us feel we could well be in the same boat. Love ali

[CallyChook]

I never realised omlet was such a fantastic resource before. Until recently I have only used the "chickens" forum (never really noticed the nesting box!) and it has been fantastic for the poultry, but what a wonderful atmosphere and wonderful advice for anything and everything there is here.

 

Margalot, I hope very much that your daughter and you have found new ground for communication. I have a 3 yr old boy and a girl on the way (any day now) so can see that the future will hold many ups and downs for us. My hubby is a lovely guy but I think he will leave a lot of the non-practical parenting to me, I just hope I manage as well as you seem to be!

 

I know that it is not strictly appropriate to talk about romantic liasons under the age of sixteen, but myself I learnt the ways of the birds and the bees much earlier than the law would have liked. I do believe that hormonally, the human being is guided by their biology - if a young girl starts their monthly cycles, then their body will signal subconsciously that they are ready for mating, and society works hard at holding the natural influx back but not always in a way that is helpful!

 

Despite the instant thoughts that most of my friends have demostrated when we have discussed the "how old were you when" topic, when my boyfriend and I moved on to that step I was ready, both emotionally and mentally. I was always careful and definitely did not tell my parents! I didn't get a reputation at school, and academically achieved straight As all the way through school. While I would wish my kids to wait until the legal age, I would hope that they will always feel supported by me in the sense that I perhaps will be more open to discussions than some of my friends with teenage kids at the moment. I also think that sometimes, talking to your parents about sexual matters is just awful. Even now, I would never tell my mum how old I was when I started that stage of my life I simply find it embarrassing, despite being perfectly at home with talking about far more intimate matters with her nowadays in the depths of the Ann Summers store!!! I found my GP to be fantastic at the time and very supportive without ever making it seem a light matter. Nowadays I know there are more networks for young people to access such as youth workers and brook centres, and I think it's a great thing.

[sage]

Glad it all went well in the end Margalot. Just hope you daughter realises how lucky she is to have such a great Mum.

 

Sage