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[Margalot]

Hi,

 

I feel so sad today, my ED who will be 15 in Dec has left me in a quandry.

 

I was picking up dirty clothes last night in her room, (she was on a school trip to see the Lion King) and I discovered somethings in her room which lead me to believe she has been a bit more serious with a boy than I would have hoped. I kept it to myself and didnt tell OH as he would hit the roof and as she wasnt back until after midnight wrong time to start questions. So this a.m. I have asked her about what I found and yes it is the case (I thought that maybe she had been given this at school). She explained that she didnt want to tell me as she knew I would be angry and her Dad even angrier. I feel disapointed and so sad, I said we would need a talk after school and she started crying. I dont know how to react? she has so much freedom and gets what she wants, she is lazy never talks to us, is constantly on facebook. I dont feel I have anyone to turn to, cant tell my Mum she would be horrified, cant tell my OH as I want to get to the bottom of the story first as may not be as bad as its seems, cant tell a friend as she would tell everyone else, cant tell my MIL as dont want to burden her with it. She has been a worry to me as she has lots of boys as friends, and I did have my suspicions that there was only one reason that there were so many boys hanging around her. I dont want to over react as I do actually remember what it was like to be young, but she has definately matured at lot younger than me. I feel cross, depressed, ashamed, and so sad. We have always been so open about things like this and had hoped that she would talk to me first.

 

It may be a storm in a tea cup, but I wont know until later, This isnt the first time I feel she has let me down - we went through some bad times a couple of years ago, when she was lying to her friends and making stories up about stuff, texting people that she had runaway from home. Its so difficult

 

I dont keep secrets from my OH so will have to tell him,

[chickencam]

As a mum of teenagers myself, I feel for you. It can be an emotional roller coaster at times.

 

If I were you I would ask her to sit down when she comes in this afternoon, make her favourite hot drink and keep things as relaxed as possible. She will know that you need to talk it through, and hopefully she will open up and tell you the truth about what is happening.

 

Like you have said, you can remember what it felt like to be young, and getting angry will not help at all. If only we could persuade our menfolk to take a more measured attititude too. You know that saying no and getting heavy handed with her will make her rebel all the more, so a frank talk about safe guarding her health etc will got down much better.

 

I don't envy you the later conversation with your OH, but again keeping things as low key as possible will help.

 

It might be worth pointing out that if she is acting like an adult in this way, it may be time for her to take more responsibility for herself in other ways too. if she would like you as a supportive ally, then she has to support you more too. maybe that is a discussion for tomorrow though

 

Good luck.

[Seagazer]

First of all, big ((((hugs)))), your post is really sad and I feel for you. Our kids really pull our heart strings and when they act how we don't want them to act we feel its all our fault.

 

Don't be ashamed, sadly its a fact of life now that kids mature a lot quicker than we ever did. I suppose the fact that you found 'something' at least means that they are being safe. My DD took quite a long time to discover boys but I think my DS was a bit younger.

 

I think all you can do is to talk to her as calmly as you can. I do think that you should tell your OH though but try to get him to be calm. I think my OH's natural reaction would be to be very angry so your OH is not unusual. You both need to support each other in this and your DD.

 

I hope it goes well, and remember virtually no-one has a perfect child (or if they say they do they probably don't know half of what goes on) I know my kids aren't perfect.

[Margalot]

Thank you, I am sat here in tears now,

 

i think I posted that she is fifteen is Decemeber as if that would make it better

 

I found a letter saying that she had been given the morning after pill. She told me this morning "its not what you think" but what are you supposed to think?

 

My initial reaction when she wasnt at home last night was to gound her, take the computer away from her. but its not as if she is roaming the streets of an evening, she only goes out on a Saturday / Sunday to town. we live in a rural area so she cant really hang around anywhere. You think you are doing your best and then this, I have already had a difficult time this year with my health as have just been diagnosed with some form of arthritis and have had to come to terms with that. My summer was spent full of guilt as I had to work and couldnt spend as much time at home as I would have liked.

 

We are not close either she only tells me she loves me when she wants something, she is a real cold fish.

[Cinnamon]

I am the mum of 3 teen girls aged 15 & 17, so I know exactly where you are coming from.

 

Condoms (I am assuming that is what you found?) are handed out at school, in sex education classes. Mine were shown how to put them on too, & every pupil had a go at it as well.....some parents were horrified,but I consider it one of lifes most important lessons. She more than likely got it there (my girls came back with handfuls of them from Reading festival & Gay pride too, all given to them for free)

 

My eldest girl got a serious boyfriend at age 15 (she is still with him now),so I decided early on to keep the doors of discussion open. She told me what was happening & when,& we discussed safety,& went to the doctors when the time was right.

One friend of mine was really astounded & angry that I bought condoms to have in the house,saying that I was encouraging them to have sex. I responded that I was assuming they would have sex,& actually encouraging them to be safe.

 

My youngest is much more secretive about her personal life & I am never sure where she is,what she is up to & with whom. She has had heaps of boyfriends, & although she says that nothing has gone beyond kissing & that she will talk to me if/when things progress,I am not confident that she will.

 

All I can advise is to be open & honest with your girl. Don't make her dread speaking to you & don't make her think that you think she is bad in any way if things have gone further than you might like

As for the moods & facebooking...well that sounds pretty average for a teen girl. I sometimes don't see my girls for days on end

 

I don't envy you this task, & I know it will ba hard on you both probably,but she will really benefit from your support

 

EDIT: cross posted - I see it wasn't condoms you found.

[..lay a little egg for me]

I agree with chickencam. If she is willing to take some advice re protection (taking care of her emotional self as well as her body) and avoiding getting a "reputation" with you as a supportive parent rather than accusatory, you will likely have more success.

 

If it helps, I can report that, of my 3 nieces, one was very wayward as a teenager and went off to live with a very unsuitable boy, did not do as well at school as she could have because of it, but in her twenties "came good" and is a lovely responsible kind person. My other 2 nieces were also a little wild and they have all turned out great. My sister was always their friend as well as a parent and I think that helped them come back into the fold.

 

Keep calm and carry on as they say.

 

[[[hugs]]]

[Margalot]

Hi Cinammon,

 

I have just read your post, and must have been posting at the same time, yes there were condoms but also a letter from dont know where? - saying she had been given the M.A.P. as my earlier post.

 

Thank you for advice -she said this morning please dont tell Dad, but cant do that He would feel twice as bad If he found out that I had kept this from him, and we have never kept any secrets (well I havent!)

 

she has lied to me before about where she has been going, i.e. I drop her off somewhere and she gets on bus and goes somewhere else (dread to think where now) .

[Cinnamon]

Believe me,when this all kicked off with my eldest it took a LOT of calming words to get my husband to see sense

But he is a lovely,sensible man & once I had explained that we were talking with her about the issues,encouraging her to keep safe & healthy & most of all supporting & not alienating the pair of them,normal service resumed.

 

Men can be very black & white about things,& he may well be cross,but persevere with confident honesty & it will work out for the best

[Happy chickens!]

I think that it is something every parent dreads to find and it's much harder if the child really doesn' like to talk about it. I guess that you need to start with the positive ie she is taking some responsibility, even if she is relatively young, and not go down the reading the riot act which will probably have the opposite effect to the one you want.

 

I agree not good to keep secrets, maybe suggest that you talk to OH first so that he has time to think things over before he talks to your daughter.

 

I hope that you can get to have a good chat with your DD so that she feels she can come to you in future rather than leaving you to find out accidentally - although if she left such personal info lying around, maybe that was her way of asking for help?

[Margalot]

Do you know its also the "reputation " thing that is bothering me?

 

some of the girls Mums that I know would be horrified We are not at all prudish, but when it comes to your own child (which is what I still consider her) its awful.

 

At the end of last term my son came to me all upset because his friends had been taunting him about things that his sister may have been up to. So I had a chat with her then and she told me it was just rumours that some girl had started. no smoke without fire there then.

 

And do you know I am taking her from school to get her hair re-styled, she goes without nothing, feel as if I am a real doormat

[C&T]

On a positive note, it shows some level of responsibility, that she went to the dr's for the pill. Better that than the alternative at that age. And (while everything you say indicates otherwise) there are other reasons for taking the pill than contraception - so maybe give her the chance to explain.

 

Maybe also try and look upon this as a new start with your daughter. It won't come overnight! But this could be the time to start an "adult" relationship with your daughter - which might be better than you existing one.

 

Perhaps organise some dedicated time to spend with her - I don't know what would appeal to you both. A day at the Spa or a day out paint balling - doesn't really matter, it's just a shared experience. Might help to start building a new relationship with her? You could start seeing each other in a different way, and learn to trust each other and appreciate each other for who you both are.

[chickencam]

Everyone is different, and I am sure that we have all done things, that with hindsight weren't such a good idea. All that you can do is be there as a support and cross your fingers about the rest.

 

I have been lucky with my ED (17), but I know that I don't know everything about what she is doing and has done, and that is as it should be. There shouldn't be secrets as such, but we all like to keep some aspects of our life as personal.

 

I may not be so lucky with my YD (12 in a few weeks) she is much more willful, and secretive, all I or anyone one of us can do is the best I can and the rest of it is down to them and luck. My DS (14) is in the middle and quite a sensitive soul, I worry about his emotional wellbeing as he grows up, he would be very vunerable to a broken heart as many young men are.

 

It might be worth getting into the conversation that trust is a very fragile thing, it takes a long time to build and moments to lose. If she can treat both herself and you with respect, she won't go far wrong.

 

I agree with the post above that spending some fun time with her doing something that you both will enjoy is a great way to break the ice and strengthen a relationship.

[chicken bark]

I really feel for you Michelle. My eldest child has only just started school so hopefully I am a long way off what you are facing, but really sympathise with you.

 

It seems that once they start school you never know what they actually do all day and this gets worse as they get older.

 

As others have said I would try to talk to your OH in private to prepare the ground a little - you shouldn't have to feel you can't talk to anyone. May be your GP could give you some advice or at least be a sympathetic ear?

 

The only rather pathetic advice I can offer is 'try not to fill blanks with negatives' this is something I learnt from cognitive behaviour therapy but I think applies to many situations. Be prepared for the worst but don't assume the worst. I look back to girls that may have had a reputation at school and they seem to have ended up fine and happy.

 

I hope you get somethings resolved today.

[Margalot]

Thank you all,

You are all so kind, I will try the spending a bit of time with her, but she really shuts me out most of the time. I will have to think of something to do.

 

All grown up but young at the same time, they are such a worry. I know with someone whos toddler is playing up with tantrums at the moment, you know I would swop in an instant! My other friend has grown up children and used to talk about her teenagers, and say "you wait" Well I now know why!

 

Anyway its my Mums Birthday today so going to pop and see her this afternoon. might cheer me up. we can talk about the squirrels in her loft drama, Cant sit with the chickens today as its chucking it down at the moment.

[Chucky Mama]

Oh you poor thing. I really feel for you. There are some positivies to be taken out of this though. She is looking at contraception - admitedly it was in this case the morning after pill. Perhaps there was an accident with a condom so she may be being responsible in that respect. She cried which must mean that this is not something that she is totally hard about. She may not tell you that she loves you and she may appear to be a cold fish but she may well be desperate for you to make the first move and to draw that love an emotion out of her. Give her a huge hug, cry with her and tell her exactly how you feel - apart from the ashamed bit. It is of course completely normal to feel ashamed but she must never know that. Say that you fear for her, love her, worry about her, want to be closer to her. She needs to know that she should value herself and that you value her. I think that you need to re connect in some way. She is not as mature as your or she thinks she is. It all very well our teenagers looking the part and walking the walk and talking the talk but they are still children and need our guidance, involvement, experience and love. Good luck, you have a tough time ahead but she will thank you for it and you should be all the stronger for tackling it as a family unit.

[..lay a little egg for me]

Well said Chucky Mama, very good advice IMHO. I think I should

Say that you fear for her, love her, worry about her, want to be closer to her."

with my DS more often.

[sage]

Margalot,

My heart goes out to you. You have described me 25+ years ago. I was the same as your daughter. Please talk to her and tell her how much she is loved. I went off the rail big time for about 6 years and I wish me & my Mum had talked .

Hope you it gets sorted and her Dad can understand.

 

Sending a big hug

 

Sage

[freddie]

hi, my friend in Aus has just sent me a book called princess "Ooops, word censored!"face, by michael carr- gregg. she's just going through the worst hell with her daughter, who was lovely, and now is not. My DD is younger, and I fear i have all this to come.

you care so much about her, tell her, many many times. my mum never did, and it's always been a hole in my heart. I know she'd have laid her life for me, but never ever said so.

Good luck wirh it all.

Dont beat yourself up, either, i truly believe it happens to just anyone, no matter how hard we as parents try.

[poachedegg]

You've had some lovely, refreshing and positive advice from others - just wanted to wish you well with sorting it out. xx

[scarlettohara]

I can't offer you any advice as have 19 year old twin boys (although have had some bad times involving police, courts etc) but they are now pretty settled (despite their Dad up and leaving last year) and I think we now have a close relationship. However they still keep stuff pretty close to their chests and I just think that it how it is with parents and children, I was no different and am actually quite ashamed as to some of my teenage behaviour. As to the morning after pill, I work for the out of hours gp service - we give this out as routine with no questions asked (apart from medical reasons) to anyone who calls us and I thing this is the right thing to do - better to be safe than sorry

[jlo]

I really hope that you do manage to sort things out with your daughter. It is such a difficult time for both of you. My daughter is a year younger so I am sure that I will be looking back over this thread in year or so to remember some of the advice given.

 

I recently read Dawn French's book, "Dear Fatty." I don't know whether you have read it but it is in a series of letters. I got it from the library so I can't remember the exact words but there was one letter from her father to a teenage Dawn. I wish I could remember it as it is just what I want to get across to my daughter.

 

The idea of the advice that he gave her was to appreciate what a wonderful, gorgeous human being she was. Any boy who wanted to go out with her should realise that he was the lucky one and she should know that she didn't have to do anything to please the boy that she didn't want to. I am really not getting this over at all well ...

 

When I was a teenager, I never did anything underage but it is fair to say that I had so little self esteem that if ever a boy did go out with me, I thought that I was incredibly lucky and that, if I went as far as the boy wanted, he would somehow "love" me for it. I really wish that I had had more respect for myself at that time and realised that all that most of the boys wanted was another "conquest." I think that this is why the passage in the Dawn French book seemed so sensible to me.

 

My mother, in comon with many of that generation, never ever talked to me about relationship issues and I don't want to be the same with my children. We do talk about things and I really want to get across to her that she is worth so much more than a few fumbles with some immature boys. My son is 16 (tomorrow) and has a girlfriend. He assures me that he respects her and us. I won't go any further detailing our conversations, given that it is a family forum!

 

All the best with the conversations with your daughter and husband!

[Alis girls]

I feel for you lots of hugs etc. Just a thought - do you think she meant you to find the note etc. Possible regrets - need to talk and reassure herself that she still has the comfort of mum. I am the other side in that have 2 boys one of 14 - 15 in Nov. He had a g/f (all finished) and she was lovely but very mixed up and very as my OH said "sexual" . She would sit on his knee (son's) and my 9 yr old was shocked by this. Had to speak to ES to tone it down as YS was getting very stressed by them being so loved up. She wanted him to sleep over (in same room) I said no. His mates didnt like her for whatever reason . She has had alot of b/f's. But there is one law for boys and one for girls - boys are lads - girls - the words are not complimentary. Also others will "Ooops, word censored!" about her.

I do feel for you . They are kids - so many regret it later and once its done its done. Love Ali

[Chicken Licken]

Lots of schools have drop in clinics for contraception these days and that is probably where the MAP came from - or it can be bought over the counter of course too! I think kids are a lot more advanced in their sexual behaviours now than they were 15 or 20 years ago. I think if you can keep the doors of communication open with your daughter then that will be the best thing for all, and of course manage your OHs response! You may disapprove or feel disappointed in her, but you've got to build on the positives and be able to discuss contraception openly with her, also the need for safe sex for STIs and the emotional responsibilities that go with being sexually active. As others have said, you must try to build the relationship with your daughter rather than break it. Good Luck

[Alis girls]

I quite agree - if you are in an "adult" type relationship - you need to think about safety and looking after yourself and partner.

[Looney]

Hope all has gone ok if you've had a chat with your daughter by now Margalot. What a tough situation. I think you are doing the right thing by trying to have a non-heated discussion with her.

 

There has been loads of good advice, I don't have a daughter (yet!) so can't offer any parental experience. From personal experience, I couldn't speak to my Mum about things like boys, sex etc. There was so much pre-judgement and assumption from my parents anyway without the need for any evidence that I was too terrified to tell them anything about my life as they would launch off from the deep end and not listen. Hence I did a lot of things that I might have thought twice about if I felt I could speak to my parents or felt I didn't need to be so sneaky / secretive. At least they would have known where I was going half the time. On one occasion I put myself in a dangerous situation aged 16, I won't go into details but it was more through luck than judgement that I came out of it reasonably unscathed...

 

The best of luck and sending you loads of hugs. XXXXXX