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[bluekarin]

I need help with how to deal with an 15 year old daughter who is very bright, but has no social skills and doesn't recognise things like sarcasm, and of course is always right and my hubby who feels anything he says is wrong in the kids eyes. It is getting to the point I hate sit down meal times as invariably they end up in an argument. Any suggestions on how best to deal with this? Thank you in desperation

[patsylabrador]

Funny isn't it, when you're a teenager you think you know everything when in fact you know almost nothing. As you get older and actually learn stuff you realise just how little you know.

I was blessed with very easy going kids but DD was the worst for the moody silences. The rest of us ignored it and carried on having fun and chatting until I suppose she felt ignored and joined it. I tried to never let it change how I did things. ES, who is quite an unstoppable force would shake her out of it when he came home, they were very close, almost like twins.

I would never, never allow rude argumentative behaviour at the table. I believe if someone (me) has just spent a couple of hours cooking a meal it sould be eaten in a nice manner.

That's where I would start, lay some ground rules at mealtimes. Take it from there.

[Chucky Mama]

I find spending time alone with each child helpful even if it is just a trip out to the supermarket and even if it is a near silent car journey. It is time alone and it is appreciated and often things crop up in gentle conversation that would never have done otherwise. Try to find a common interest that can bring you together. A game of squash, cooking a meal, walking the dog, golf, badminton, jigsaw puzzle, crosswords, watching something together on TV that interests you both, concert etc. Sarcasm often does not mix well with hormones It is a horribly difficult time so try to limit your reasons for conflict to the stuff that really matters. Good luck, it will pass

[bluekarin]

Thanks for your replies. I don't think I made myself clear - it was rather late when I posted. She isn't rude, just always has a different opinion to her dad, which he finds tiring. It is not difficult to get her to talk to me. We spend a lot of alone time together as I take her to and from school in her wheelchair, so do get to talk about all sorts. I think it's more of finding a way to deal with to constant disagreeing. I don't allow arguments at the table either. The last time they disagreed, he told her to shut up, and then ignored her for the rest of the meal. I am not sure this is the right way to go about it.

[Chickendoodle]

Sorry to say it sounds like "normal" teen behaviour. I heard on a TV programme that when teens go through puberty the brain changes and the empathy bit of the brain goes missing for a while. (It does come back I can assure you)

 

I had terrible problems with my ED but my YD was fine (she was a very difficult child though!) I could see that my ED just thought that everything I knew, thought, or did was wrong and her resentment just came off her in waves. She actually said to me"when I was little I thought you knew everything but now I am grown up I realise that you know nothing"

 

Teens think that they are grown up in one part of their brain but the other bit has not quite caught up. You need to set boundaries on things that are important to you and try to ignore the other stuff. Criticising what they wear for instance will only make them dress even more outrageously, on the other hand a gentle "you look really nice I love your black nailvarnish/piercing/holey tights will really really annoy them and make you feel a bit better.

 

The years between 15 & 17 with my ED were a true nightmare and I wish I could offer you some real pearls of wisdom. I felt I really floundered as a Mother - I think I was pretty good at the baby, toddler, child bit but I still feel as though I didn't really get the teenage bit right.

 

Or maybe I did! My ED is now 27. We have a brilliant relationship and she is a Social Worker who specialises in elderly mental health and is a very caring, rounded adult.

 

I wouldn't go through the teenage years again with her though for all the tea in China.

[Cinnamon]

It sounds like normal teenage behaviour to me too I am afraid.

 

I have one daughter of 19 who gets on like a house on fire with her Dad, & one aged nearly 18 who seems to get offended,upset & angry with almost every little thing he says to her.

 

I sometimes feel less like a wife & mother & more like a referee

 

BUT she does have good spells,when she is less horrid & more tolerant - more like the sweet girl we knew for 15 years.

And these spells are becoming longer & more frequent,so hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[chickencam]

My ED 19 clashes with her dad too, they are both quite eloquent and spar for fun, but I hate it. The family was a lot calmer while she was away at uni, having her home for Christmas has been a challenge at times . YD 14 however was horrible when she was younger and is now mostly lovely and can wrap her dad around her little finger. DS 16 is mostly ok as long as you don't expect conversation before midday

 

My OH is quite vocally volatile, so I have to referee at times, like when DS spilt tea on just wrapped Christmas presents for the second time in 5 minutes last weekend. I think that it is our job to keep calm and build bridges when needed unfortunately.

 

Good luck.

[KimmyCustard]

I dont have any of my own but youngest SD is now 15 - she is fine with the attitude but the ESD is a nightmare and unfortunately always has been! She is 19 now and still feels everyone owes her a living, even her mother is pleased she has moved out of the family home She fell out with her Dad around 5 years ago and despite numerous attempts at bridge building, she will not see him or us.

 

I can remember thinking my mum knew everything and now I realise she doesnt - even though she still thinks she does and I'm 43! I disagreed with almost everything she said aged 14 -15, I didnt feel that she ever listened to me or that my opinion on anything counted for anything - I felt quite worthless at that time.

 

Maybe Dad could take a step back and choose what he needs to argue about and let the other pointless teenage angst fall on deaf ears?! Good luck x

[sapphichicks]

My family of 6 argued constantly at the kitchen table. It was par for the course and as a child I felt it was normal for people to argue but it was always fairly good hearted and rarely became nasty. But it was also a way for us to express our feelings and say what we felt (within boundaries). As parents you need to show you are not cowed by their remarks. Something like ".... you are so difficult at times the way you argue but you know something I really really love you so you can argue as much as you like but that will not change." I found humour always worked. But never indulge your children, you have to have good boundaries and keep to them, both of you must act as a team at all times. Do not reward bad behaviour but do try to talk to them on an individual basis whenever you can. If you cannot stand the arguing at the table, change the subject and talk directly to whoever else is there. Ignoring can be a very powerful way to deal with it too. Good luck.