Home made run and house for sale

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks for your advice and support, folks .

 

Saw Dad today who again talked about Mum being in a bad mood. I said she'd probably be in tomorrow and he actually said she could stay at home if she was in a foul mood . He also asked me if I had a "steady boyfriend" - I'll have been married 20 years in November .

 

Phoned the CPN to express my concerns over her behaviour. Didn't get very far, unfortunately. He saw her on Monday and thought she was fine . He did a comprehensive memory test on her and she did extremely well in it . How come she forgets things all the time then . He's very nice to talk to but basically said it's early days - she'll take time to get used to the change in her circumstances.

 

I know he can't actually do anything to help me but I didn't feel he was particularly interested .

 

I've sometimes wondered if I could tape her phone conversations . Maybe I should look into it.

[surferdog]

ANH - have just caught up with this thread and can't believe what you are going through. This may have already been covered but has your mother been assessed for possible Alzheimers? I don't want to add to your troubles but it may be a possible explanation for her behaviour. It sounds very similar to my father-in-law who has also always been a very difficult man and he was diagnosed a few years ago.

 

I found it very difficult to believe my FIL had this disease as he is, and always has been, perfectly lovely to me but apparently put his family through hell with his frequent rages and unreasonable behaviour.

 

It seems so unfair that one person is able to make so many other people miserable. Thinking of you.

[chelsea]

just to let you know ANH I do read this thread but never quite know what to say and i cant comprehend what you are going through, you really are doing marvellously coping with it all and still keeping your wonderful sense of humour.

 

Bless your dad for asking if you had a steady boyfriend!!

 

take care xx

[Ain't Nobody Here]

She's at it again . Phoned me at work (again) and ranted and raved about the care Dad's receiving. She's insisting that we move him to another home. I didn't respond in the way she obviously wanted so her last comment was "I need M to come down at the weekend. I can't manage this on my own". And down goes the phone. I'm sorry? Don't I exist?

 

The doctor was at the home at the same time apparently so I phoned her to find out if Mum was exaggerating. What a surprise, the doctor thinks Dad's being cared for perfectly well and although she couldn't really make recommendations for another home, she implied that the care would be much the same wherever Dad is. She did say that it would be possible to move him, but not ideal given his age and condition.

 

I saw Dad and told him Mum was wanting to move him. When I asked his opinion (something she's obviously not bothered about) he said he wanted to stay there, that he would be happy anywhere and that he liked the staff ("they're great").

 

Spoken to my brother - he says that Mum being like this is not good for Dad so we may have to move him just to shut her up. I'm angry that we have to consider uprooting Dad just because she's such a miserable old boot. Who's to say the next nursing home will be any better and she'll not find fault with them? Then what?

 

The other home she's considering (which she's never even been to) is lovely, granted, but costs £200 per week more. If she finds fault with that one, at least we can say we did what she wanted but that it's the best she's going to get, so deal with it.

 

Oh and the doctor said Mum left a message with the surgery saying something like Dad's moving to the other nursing home. Nice of her to tell his daughter.

[chickencam]

I always read your posts, and all I can do is send my best wishes. You are in the thoughts of so many on this forum.

[Helly Welly]

I really don't think you should move your Dad just because of your Mum. It just wouldn't be fair to unsettle him and could be detrimental to his well-being. He sounds happy and comfortable where he is.

 

I wish I had practical suggestions as to what to do about your Mum. Is there no-one who is prepared to try and find out why she is behaving so badly. I know she's never been exactly easy but i take it she's a lot worse now. She has no right to move your Dad. Is she going to pay the extra £200 a week?

Surely there must be someone who can help with your Mum.

 

I wish you all the best ANH, how you stay so strong is a wonder.

[Tessa the Duchess]

This thread is a 38 page monument to just how strong you are ANH. I would have totally lost it with your Mum by now. I also don't think your Dad should be moved just because of her problems with the home. Your Dad should have the final word on where he resides. You are in my thoughts.

 

Tessa

[Egluntyne]

I wouldn't move your Dad. It is not likely to be in his best interests and will be unsettling for him. Plus if the next home doesn't suit her, she will expect to uproot him again.

 

Your Mum won't be able to organise the move by herself in all likelihood, so I'd let this latest rant blow itself out.

 

Best wishes.

[cammy73]

ANH,

I haven't posted on the thread but always read whats going on. I think you have the patience of a saint!! just wanted to say hang in there...

Sharon x

[MedusA]

I agree that moving your Dad would seem to be totally inadviseable, ANH. Firstly, it would break the continuity of care he is receiving. Secondly, it would probably disorientate him further. Thirdly, there is no guarantee that your Mum would be any happier with the other nursing home anyway.

 

I don't envy you the road ahead at all. I am sorry that the CPN wasn't much help.

[hilda-and-evadne]

Spoken to my brother - he says that Mum being like this is not good for Dad so we may have to move him just to shut her up. I'm angry that we have to consider uprooting Dad just because she's such a miserable old boot. Who's to say the next nursing home will be any better and she'll not find fault with them? Then what?

 

ANH, the time for moving your Dad has past. I would put it like that to your Mum. She has missed the boat for making this suggestion.

 

The other home she's considering (which she's never even been to) is lovely, granted, but costs £200 per week more. If she finds fault with that one, at least we can say we did what she wanted but that it's the best she's going to get, so deal with it.

 

Another £200/week = £10,400/year. I don't know if your Dad's place is privately funded or not. But, if you/your family is paying, £10,400 a year is an awful lot more to find, particularly if he lives on for say four or five more years, ever more frail, needing ever more intensive care.

 

My mother is in a nursing home (and privately-funded). We who have the responsibility of "stewarding" her money do everything we can to make the money last as long as possible - such as paying for the whole year in advance saves about £4,000 - and buying her an ISA (every little helps). She has now been there nearly three years, and we are still thinking about what we must do to eke out the remainder of her money to ensure that she never has to move again.

[Olly]

ANH I don't know what to say! I think Tessa's point above is very well made - 38 pages says it all.

 

Moving your Dad because your mum is behaving like this would be wrong on several levels - mainly because he is clearly happy and well-cared for where he is, but also because this would just be playing up to her behaviour. She throws a tantrum = she gets what she wants, and there's no guarantee she won't keep doing this wherever your dad is. She is not the adult here, you are.

 

I wonder if your brother has a history of 'giving in' or 'playing along' with her? It would be quite understandable if he has, in order to placate her. Stick to your guns, if you move your dad he will be unhappy and the chances are that she will too. I hope your brother will come to see this, the two of you need to be working together on this, not divided.

 

The most frustrating thing in your story is the fact that very few other people see the way she is behaving - she puts on a 'front' for the CPN and so on. I am so sorry for what you are going through but there are some very good arguments in what others have said above, to use against her. We're all backing you! I wish it could be more than 'virtual'.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

You've all made some really useful comments, thank you.

 

Re the money, Dad is self-funding so the extra £10,400 is a real issue. The ironic thing is, Mum worries about the money even now - I keep reassuring her that they can only use the money in Dad's name, they can't touch half of their joint savings/income or her money or make her sell the house but she either doesn't believe me, doesn't listen or just forgets. It makes me angry that she removed me from the Power of Attorney in a fit of pique but still wants to discuss her concerns with me. They do have a fair amount of money so there's plenty there for the short-term and in any case, the state will take over the funding when his savings fall below £21,000 or so.

 

My brother has always pandered to her to a degree, I suppose (as have we all) but he's a very strong character and can be very stubborn when he wants to be. I was surprised how quickly he capitulated over moving Dad. I do think he's got a point that Dad is affected by her mood but after reading all your posts, I've reverted to my original opinion, that it's not fair to uproot him just because she's not happy. I think half the problem is that she's downright racist and a few of the staff are not European. The other half is that she's never happy with anything or anyone so my worry is that she'll quickly find fault with the new home.

 

She is unlikely to change her opinion no matter what anybody says, so my brother believes that the only way we can resolve this is by proving to her that the care he'll receive elsewhere is no better (although, I suppose, there is a chance that it may be). He has said that if she ends up no happier once Dad's moved, then she really is on her own.

 

I'm really caught between a rock and a hard place. The final decision, sadly, is down to her, being his wife. The doctor is sitting on the fence (although she didn't know Mum or Dad and is getting their doctor to call me on Tuesday). If I make any comment about the money, I'll be accused of "only being interested in their money" (a familiar accusation). When I try to say that things at the home don't seem to me the way she describes, she says "oh, it's different in the mornings and I'm there for hours". Oh, and I always look on the positive side of things (like that's a bad thing).

 

I'll wait and see if she gets in touch today. The Unit Manager at the home wants a meeting with us on Sunday to discuss it all, but I can't see Mum agreeing to a meeting with just me there (I'm on "their" side, of course). I'd like to suggest that she writes down every one of her concerns so we can actually see what she's complaining about and discuss whether it's valid and resolvable. Unfortunately, I think she's past the point of wanting to resolve anything. She just wants to storm off in a huff and take Dad with her.

 

Or maybe my brother will have managed to talk some sense into her and she'll have changed her mind. What do you reckon?

 

Sorry, this post has ended up more like an essay. If you've reached the end, congratulations!

[Lesley]

It doesn't get any easier for you does it?

 

I've nothing to add to all the earlier advice but just want you to know we're all behind you and sending big Hugs

[freddie]

Oh God help ypu, I take back any good comments I ever made re the mother: allk homes have foreign staff now, and they're normally far more compassionate than English, as they've been brought up in a different kind of society..

If you feel the home is suiting yr Dad, then try to call in at different times during the day, and write yr name in the vis book, get yr Dad's GP to back you(?), but having settled an elderly, ill patient into a home environment where he's comfortable, I think the authorities will hesitate to move him anyway?I think they do still have a say, or do they not?

[WitchHazel]

I do think he's got a point that Dad is affected by her mood but ...... I've reverted to my original opinion, that it's not fair to uproot him just because she's not happy. I think half the problem is that she's downright racist and a few of the staff are not European. The other half is that she's never happy with anything or anyone so my worry is that she'll quickly find fault with the new home.

 

Share this bit with your brother and see what he says.

[MedusA]

I think a meeting with the Unit Manager at the home is a great idea. Your Mum then has the opportunity either to put forward her "very rational concerns", or be seen to be an irrational racist. You can just sit there and let her dig the hole!!!!

 

All the best ANH. Have you got it in writing from your brother that she's "on her own" if things go belly up a second time?

 

I agree with everyone who says that most nursing homes these days have multi-cultural staffing, so to move him would not change that situation. It seems such a shame when he is settled where he is.

[WitchHazel]

The reality is that your mum doesn't want him to be happy in a home.

 

I don't mean that she does this in a deliberately nasty way. She's not very self aware and so is unlikely to realise what it is that is making her do and say the things she does. I;m sure she genuinely believes what she is saying.

 

However, I suspect that there are really two things behind this. The first is that she loves your father, misses him, and wants him home with her. The second is very deep rooted, and she might well be feeling guilty that she is not taking care of him. This is very common amongst spouses and children

 

It doesn't make her behaviour to you any more acceptable, but understanding the motivation may help you come up with a strategy for getting her to change her mind. Maybe you need to reassure her that in an ideal world, the best thing for him would be to be at home where she could take care of him (so you are acknowledging her important role here),

 

Then move on to the obstacles and how they would (or wouldn't) be overcome. He would need lifting. She would never be able to go out at all. It would be like having a baby all over again - but this one would be 12 stone in weight. If you can get her to come up with things rather than you stating them, even better.

 

Just a thought.

[Helly Welly]

I really don't have any useful advice at this time ANH. I think the meeting on Sunday will be good, let's hear if she has any real concerns. If she says it's worse in the morning, is there any way you could visit in the morning, just to reassure her that you are listening to her. That way, if she is just moaning for the sake of it, you'll have proof.

 

Surely, the final word on whether your Dad moves home would be down to him, the best thing would be if she could live with him in the home i think. Then she's with your Dad and you'd have a bit of peace.

 

I don't envy you at all, it seems your Mum has turned into a child. I certainly know that i wouldn't be so strong. I think i'd have put her over my knee and given her six of the best by now

 

Good luck for Sunday, let us know how it goes.

[hilda-and-evadne]

Mum worries about the money even now - I keep reassuring her that they can only use the money in Dad's name, they can't touch half of their joint savings/income or her money or make her sell the house

 

If/when the State starts to pick up the bill, that picture will change. Any money or property that is in your Dad's name will be factored into the means testing, and it is too late now to transfer ownership of anything to anyone else. The State would not make your Mum sell the house while it is her home, even if/when she became a widow, but when it did come to be sold the State will be expecting anything that was "lent" to your Dad for his nursing home fees. I don't think the State charges interest on that amount but I don't know.

 

They do have a fair amount of money so there's plenty there for the short-term and in any case, the state will take over the funding when his savings fall below £21,000 or so.

 

That is the point at which the State might move him, if he is in an expensive home.

 

I think half the problem is that she's downright racist and a few of the staff are not European.

 

There are staff from the Indian subcontinent and Sri Lanka working at the nursing home where my mother is, and they are all so gentle and patient and seem to have a genuine vocation to nurse. (Before we moved my mother to this nursing home, she was in another place with all English staff who were to a man/woman co"Ooops, word censored!", loud, disrespectful, arrogant and crass. I remember one day telephoning her on her mobile phone, a male nurse answered it and said that my mother was in the - ensuite - loo but before I could say that I would wait he opened the door to the loo and handed her the phone. I still can't get over this discourtesy to an 83-year-old, frail and confused lady.)

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Sorry, I'm just on here for a rant myself .

 

She phoned while I was out with the dog and said to my son (who's 15) "can you tell your mother to return my car keys" and put the phone down. (This is about the third time she's demanded the return of the car or car keys after insisting I have it.)

 

That was it ... no "hello" or "goodbye" or anything.

 

How can she be so rude to people, including her grandson who's done nothing wrong?

 

The thing that makes me so angry is that I kept her car (with her permission) & used it to visit both her & dad while they were in hospital. She has the car now and said only last week "you keep one car key and borrow the car whenever you need to". We have our own car so hardly ever need to, but very occasionally the boys have a clash of sports or something.

 

Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!!!

[Yorkshire Pudding]

Rant away!

 

Virtual cups of tea being poured....... you can't win with her, so if posting and occasionally ranting here helps, so much the better. As others have said there are 38 pages testifying to just how difficult your mother has been and how patient you have been. I don't know how you've managed it.

 

I'm sure your son understands that he just happened to be the unlucky person who picked up the phone!

[Tiggy]

my mother did exactly the same - when she was speaking to me which she hasn't for near 2 years - in the end she was rude to everyone so often we took no notice, you get to that point in the end, but when you are worrying about your Dad it makes things so much harder, i think that you mom is very lucky to have you

[chelsea]

Yes you carry on ranting ANH, if it helps you.

 

You truly have the patience of a saint.....i would have blown my top ages ago!

 

try to keep smiling (and sane! )

 

xx

[Ain't Nobody Here]

The worm has turned .

 

Mum called this morning full of tears & excuses. I actually prepared a speech last night in case she phoned - there's so much I've wanted to say for so long, I wanted to be sure I said it all.

 

You'd have been proud of me . I told her that her behaviour and language is totally unacceptable; she had to stop putting the phone down and "disowning" me if I dared to disagree with her wild claims; she had to stop calling the staff "black b......" (took a while to explain why that wasn't on, she didn't get it initially ); that Dad has been picking up on her bad moods; that she'd get much further with her "complaints" if she spoke to the staff rationally and didn't rant and storm off; that Dad is happy where he is; that I spoke to the doctor too and she said Dad looks perfectly well cared for; that there's no guarantee that this new nursing home will be any better; that my brother and I don't think it's in Dad's best interests but as she won't be happy until he moves, we think it might be the only option; that she's on her own if she finds fault with the new home; and so on and so on.

 

She did listen and kind of agreed in principle but kept weeping and wailing about how worried and confused she is, blaming the medication and her stay in the psych hospital. She kept saying "I know, it's all my fault", "I'm just a "Ooops, word censored!"", "I've made a mess of everything" blah blah blah. I stopped that in its tracks by telling her to stop moaning that everything's her fault as she's just looking for sympathy. If she's made mistakes, get over it and move on.

 

I said we both had Dad's best interests at heart and we had to work together to achieve that (even if it involves moving him). She did agree that I'm the only person who can really be of daily practical help to her and said she hates it when we fall out. "Stop putting the phone down on me all the time, then," I said. And I told her to stop making things up about me and gave her a few examples for good measures (ie telling her to jump off the Forth Road Bridge, that I put her in hospital, that I've said for years I wished she was dead). I also managed to get a comment in about her removing me from the Power of Attorney.

 

She started bleating on about how she doesn't know what I'm doing "behind her back" at the home . I said firmly that I'm not doing anything behind her back ("how come you know all the nurses' names then?" - because I talk to them nicely, and my eyesight and memory is better than hers ). I told her I try to resolve her complaints by asking them nicely.

 

I then had to go to take YS to athletics but I think she'd got the message. I feel so good that I stood up to her and aired all my grievances. I think if I just carry on in the same vein, maybe I can deal with her in future.

 

I'm cross with my brother though. I spoke to him yesterday and he said he'd keep me informed as to any decisions that were made. Mum thinks it's been arranged that Dad moves on Monday or Tuesday ("M is organising it all"). No call from M to tell me that . He knows I work Mon - Wed so will have to take a day off to help Dad move. Unless I just let Mum & the homes deal with it all and just come along after work.

 

Whew!

 

I need to phone her now so let's hope she's been doing a bit of soul searching .