Rat problem

[Fur 'n' Feathers]

Hi ANH.

 

This might sound a bit tough, but its intention is to help (hope it does).

 

Things are obviously raw at present and I can see that you sense it's not the time or place, but when things calm down it may be appropriate to talk to your mum about her behaviour. Many people express anger when they are anxious or worried, as it feels to them like they're more in control like this. What they lose sight of when they do this is the potential damage they do to the relationships that mean the most to them, even though they may not mean to.

 

It's good that the Consultant has contacted you. Believe me, the health professions deal with these issues on a daily basis and confidentiality is strict (not to mention diplomacy being the byword!). It's down to your dad who he wants to know what about him and not your mum. Your mum, as the next of kin, is the first person they will talk to, but she has to recognise that she cannot control the situation entirely, or remove his rights to who he wants to be informed about issues relating to him.

 

I can understand that you don't want to rock the boat with your mum, but you also have your own needs and are right to express them.

 

I can see that it may not be an easy time ahead, but your mum might just have to accept that you also have access to information about your dad. And if she doesn't, then her feelings about this and her behaviour are her responsibility and not yours.

 

I've seen many many similar situations and sometimes the boil just has to burst in order that the muck comes out and healing can start.

 

Thinking about you much and hoping for a positive outcome all round. Thank you for being brave enough to share and allow others to support you.

 

Feathers

[Guest]

I too can understand your stress ANH My mother is excruciatingly difficult to deal with and I am always walking on eggshells, never knowing if I have upset her or pleased her, always on tenterhooks.

 

It sounds as if you have managed to handle things very well so far. I hope you can keep your calm until your mother feels less stressed and more appreciative of your support.

 

Lots of good wishes coming your way!

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks so much Feathers and Ginette. I can't believe so many people are taking time to offer support and advice. It's really appreciated.

 

I know what you're saying, Feathers, but mum is so difficult to talk to about anything other than superficial stuff. We've had many falling outs over the years - mainly as a result of her saying very hurtful things but then not facing up to the consequences. She's impossible to argue with as she will not discuss the issue at hand, but just capitulates to shut you up, making it obvious she still disagrees. She won't be persuaded that her thinking might ever possibly be skewed, however diplomatically it's put. Example, "dad has prostate cancer" - did the doctor actually say that? - "No, but they never do. Your dad and I know about these things ...".

 

She has the view that we've never got on and that we disagree about everything (I don't know how she knows that as I've bitten my tongue on so many occasions she has no idea what my views are on most things). In fact I think that's half the problem - everyone just lets her say whatever she wants without challenging her, as it's easier that way.

 

As far as I'm concerned we've had an OK relationship (considering how difficult she can be) and it upsets me that she thinks we've never got on. In fact, she told the staff nurse that today - she said I always look on the bright side and she doesn't and we'll never ever meet in the middle.

 

I don't know if it's worth the aggravation confronting her about her behaviour. She'll not be around for ever (and she's been promising for years to "go" as soon as my dad does ) so I think I'll just keep trying to maintain the equilibrium.

 

She did at least say thank you today - after I took her to the hospital, then food shopping, took her home, had a cup of tea and a chat, phoned the chiropodist to make an appointment, confirmed that her phone wasn't knackered, put the appointment in her calendar so she wouldn't forget, set up the new mobile phone I bought for her and arranged to pick her up tomorrow for visiting (I've taken her every day since Monday). Obviously I want to do all this but it's nice to get positive feedback!

 

As for my dad's situation, he wasn't looking at all well. He's still battling with the UTI and is now constipated as well. He was lying down and not really communicating with us at all. He didn't look unhappy or distressed though, which is good.

 

One funny thing though, there was a different staff nurse on duty today and I recognised her straight away as one of the leaders from when my boys were at playgroup . It's nice to have a friendly face and I'm hoping that'll make things a bit easier when we visit. It'll also be easier for me to phone the ward for information .

 

Well, I'd better go to bed now. Thanks for "listening" .

[Fur 'n' Feathers]

Hi ANH.

 

Thanks so much for the update and the response. It must be so difficult for you. You're right to accept what you can't change. The most important thing for you to remember through this is that you are caring in your actions despite what's thrown at you and that you are being a GOOD daughter. This is what will stay with you when everything else is done(believe us, it counts!).

 

You're much in our thoughts.

[Couperwife]

I've just caught up with this post

 

good grief

 

I think you deserve a medal the size of a bin lid

 

your mum doesnt know what shes got with you, I know plenty of people who would have severed ties years ago, and you are still there being as caring as can be.

 

sending mega hugs to you,

 

cathy

x

[Guest]

come here and give us a cuddle, come on! (((((((((((((((((((huge hug)))))))))))))))))))

 

xxxxxxxxx

[Mrs Frugal]

Oh my word, ANH . What a time you're having. Nothing to add to the good advice given already but thinking of you and hoping that your Dad is soon back on his feet again.

[Snowy]

Hang in there girl, you are doing a great job! F&F is correct - concentrate on what you can influence and be prepared to let go of what you can't. My Mum used to say to me "Accept, don't expect". Anyway, others have put it so much better than me, but am thinking of you ((((hugs)))) xxx

[Egluntyne]

Poor "Dad".

 

I hope they can make him comfortable.

 

At least the Staff Nurse you know will be able to keep you in the picture.

 

Can you have a quiet word with her to explain the situation re your Mum?

 

Here's hoping that things improve next week.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks all .

 

A much better day with mum today. She was nice to me all afternoon and even said as I was leaving "I can't start saying thank you as I'd never stop". So I am appreciated after all .

 

Dad is not much better - still very confused and frail. Not taking fluids in very well either so they're working on that.

 

MRI on Monday so perhaps we'll find out more after that.

 

Egluntine, I was hoping to see the staff nurse I know today but she didn't seem to be on. (I phoned this morning too but she was busy.) The trouble is, mum has a good day and I think oh I don't need to say anything. Then she goes off on one again . I'll wait and see if she has a few good days.

[Helen&Lee]

 

I know what you're saying, Feathers, but mum is so difficult to talk to about anything other than superficial stuff. We've had many falling outs over the years - mainly as a result of her saying very hurtful things but then not facing up to the consequences. She's impossible to argue with as she will not discuss the issue at hand, but just capitulates to shut you up, making it obvious she still disagrees. She won't be persuaded that her thinking might ever possibly be skewed, however diplomatically it's put. Example, "dad has prostate cancer" - did the doctor actually say that? - "No, but they never do. Your dad and I know about these things ...".

 

She has the view that we've never got on and that we disagree about everything (I don't know how she knows that as I've bitten my tongue on so many occasions she has no idea what my views are on most things). In fact I think that's half the problem - everyone just lets her say whatever she wants without challenging her, as it's easier that way.

 

.

 

My goodness ANH I think you are talking about my mother-in-law there

I really understand your situation you must be so frustrated with your mum, worried for your dad, but you are doing a stirling job there - sending you virtual strength for you to carry on

 

My dad suffers for UTI's and I have found the older he gets the longer it takes for him to get over them, and it makes him really weak - he is generally a fit 77yrs who still goes rambling on 10 mile walks with his group of OAP's

 

Sending best wishes for your dad (((hugs for you)))

 

Helen

[Guest]

 

... you must be so frustrated with your mum, worried for your dad, but you are doing a stirling job there - sending you virtual strength for you to carry on

 

 

and the to'ing and fro'ing and sitting around in the hospital is so tiring too, not to mention looking after your own boys. I hope the coming days are going to be more positive for you all. You're in my thoughts xxxxx

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Prepare for lots of .

 

Oh, well, that didn't last long .

 

Mum was on the phone this morning in a terrible state, ranting about "that filthy pit" and insisting we have to move him to the nursing home.

 

Nothing I said would placate her ("no, the nurses aren't lying to us", "no, they're not only looking after him while we're there and ignoring him when we're not", "no, he's too poorly to be moved" (she insisted she hadn't been told that ) and so on ....

 

She then had a coughing fit and put the phone down. I phoned her again and she did some more wild ranting before saying "you need to take over, and I'll take an overdose". Great .

 

Spoke to my brother (she'd phoned him too - saying much the same (interesting to know that she's alternately praising me for helping and "Ooops, word censored!"ing about me for interfering ). He told her to take a sleeping pill (she says she'll take 3 ). I'm going to phone this afternoon before going to collect her for visiting.

 

Sorry to keep posting longwinded rants but I'm treating it like a blog, it really helps to get it down "on paper" and then I can more easily remember what happened/what was said.

 

The bonus is, I get lovely support from you lot .

[Lesley]

Oh dear Vicki - she's certainly causing you some trouble isn't she?

 

There's not really much you can do when someone has a mindset like this - you'll just have to continue gritting your teeth and coping as best you can.

 

It's good that you can speak to your brother - that must help a little.

 

I hope the rest of the day is better for you........

[Egluntyne]

Sounds to me that your mum is not coping at all well ANH.

 

Maybe a visit to the GP and some valium or similar will help her cope with the anxiety of the situation.

 

Just a thought.

[MedusA]

Poor, you, ANH. Poor "Dad" and poor "Mum" too. What a difficult time you've all been having. I'm sorry I've only just caught this thread.

 

I do hope your Dad gets on the mend soon, and your Mum accepts any help that's offered (either professional or informal support).

 

I am a recently retired nurse (most recently working in Discharge Liaison), so if you want a brain to pick, I'd be happy to help if I can. *huge hugs*

[Olly]

You really are in the thick of it aren't you, ANH!

 

I read what you'd written above -

"she said I always look on the bright side and she doesn't and we'll never ever meet in the middle" and I thought that was significant. What a depressing attitude!

 

Firstly, I salute you for having grown up with this approach from your mum, and turning out as sane and witty as you seem to be, and maintaining your equilibrium in what sound to be really trying circumstances.

 

Your mum is obviously not coping well at all - I think you're being very courageous in just trying to rise above it, and focus on your dad (and after all - this is about your dad just at the moment, not about her). Stick with it, and post on here any time - wish we could offer more practical help, but you will never be short of someone to listen to your problems on here. Hope things improve a bit and your mum calms down. I bet she does appreciate what you are doing for her, but after a lifetime of behaving like this, she's not going to suddenly turn into Grandma Walton.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

she's not going to suddenly turn into Grandma Walton.

 

Thank goodness for you lot - it's such a help having somewhere to let off steam .

 

We had to break into mum's house today. She wasn't answering the phone or the door, we couldn't see her downstairs and the upstairs curtains were drawn. I was fully expecting the worst but she was just sleeping off the effects of 2 sleeping tablets. She was very woozy and paranoid ("they get them, they take, they kill them" - "who?" - "evil doctors" ). I left her sleeping and visited dad. (I'll not go into my thought processes - my brother and I discussed it.)

 

He's got a rash, possibly from the antibiotics so is off them. Potassium levels are low and they're worried about his stools so have sent a sample off. Went back to mum's afterwards - still very woozy and sleepy but asked about dad.

 

Home now to cook tea, wash dad's pj's, do the ironing and will go back this evening, possibly to stay the night. Will phone GP in the morning if things aren't any better.

 

I've nicked her car (.... just in case ).

[Egluntyne]

ANH...you are a saint......I suspect your witty approach to life has helped you through this.

 

All the best.

[chickencam]

Just caught up with this again after the weekend.

 

Your outlook on life and parents sounds very much like mine, keep positive and polish that teflon coating, you are doing a great job, glad you are getting some support from your brother.

 

I am sure that your mum values what you are doing for her, and she must be very worried about your dad which won't help her to control her more challenging side

 

sending fresh postive vibes and (((hugs)))

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks again for your concern. Just adding an update to my "blog" - don't feel you have to respond. It's quite useful to help sort out in my head what happened when.

 

Went round at 8pm last night. She was still very woozy and confused but got up for a drink and the toilet. Still confused about what day it was - "I kept phoning - "Ooops, word censored!"ody knew". Insisted I didn't need to stay the night, so left the phone beside her with my numbers written large. Did some ironing but she came downstairs thinking someone had broken in . Started mumbling something about a wall . (Dad keeps mumbling about advertising - no idea why .) Told her to phone me this morning or I would pop round. Said she wanted to sleep so left her.

 

No call this morning so went round. Still in pjs but having a cup of tea. Asked if she slept last night. "Don't be funny" (aggressively ). Still a bit confused though as had left teapot & milk downstairs (she always has 2 cups in bed). Said dad slept off and on (for a moment I thought she thought he was in bed next to her but she had actually phoned the hospital). Still talking about "that filthy pit".

 

I said would she call before we visit this afternoon. "Why? In case he's dead?". No, to see if he's back from the MRI scan .

 

Went to work but everybody's so nice, I kept bursting into tears . Even sitting by myself in the staffroom, I couldn't pull myself together . Eventually decided I was better off at home so left. Feel an idiot - there's nothing really wrong with me, I'm just not good at keeping tears at bay at the moment .

 

Decided to speak to the only GP mum likes (at the moment, that'll soon change ) tomorrow. But worried that if mum finds out she'll go ballistic. Do I mention that she's threatening to kill herself? She's been saying that for years so we ignore it now. If I say that to the GP will they cart her off (that really would push her over the edge).

 

MrsANHofftohaveaheadachetabletandwatchrubbishdaytimetvtillit'stimetofacemymumagain

[Goosey Lucy]

Dear ANH,

 

I totally sympathise with you. Your mum seems to have a lot of the characteristics of my mum.

 

I have no pertinent words to add to what everyone else has said except don't beat yourself up about your mum, you're not going to be able to change her, just concntrate on each day (or hour) as it comes. Slowly you will get through this.

 

I hope all works out well for you and your family.

[The Dogmother]

Just caught up on this Vicki, and you're really going through it, poor love. It's not helping at all that your mum is so irrational and keeps making suicide threats... is this to get attention, or because she genuinely is depressed? I really do think that you ought to mention it t the doctor; perhaps she find it helpful to talk to someone out side the family, a counsellor or even the GP.

 

Your poor dad too, sounds liek the lack of fluids is making him constipated, which will do so much harm.

 

Chin up dear, and feel free to come on here for a chat and to get it off your chest - we're used to snotty shoulders from big hugs

CXXXX

[TheGirlsMum]

Keep your chin up, your doing really well.

You are allowed to cry, you are being put through an awful lot at he moment and tears are our relief valve.

[Snowy]

Poor you ANH. Don't worry about the tears - let them flow, it's your safety release valve. Do tell the GP about your Mum's threats. They won't cart her off, but will be able to keep a better eye on her if they know the full story.

Sending you more (((hugs))) xx