Single hen

[feemcg]

My just turned 16 year old is nearly sending me over the edge....again! (she had lived with her dad for 3 years and came back to me in October as him and his girlfriend couldn't cope!). On the whole she's not been too bad but as she sees the end of the school year looming and has just turned 16 she thinks she can do as she likes. Every time I tidy the kitchen she comes along and leaves a huge mess, she has had NO washing in the basket for at least 2 weeks including underwear , she is cheeky and disrespectful to me in front of her friends.......and loads more. I know these are 'normal' teenage things but I'm quite highly strung (and hormonal), and never had that with her sister (I know you're not supposed to compare).

I can't even walk on her room floor for empty cans, crisp bags, chocolate wrappers etc....it's disgusting.....so I just told her I was cancelling her phone contract and if she didn't want to tidy her room to get herself down to the housing people. She walked out and is bombarding me with texts telling me I need to grow up, stop moaning, let her get on with her life etc.

I've had enough....her dad knew what he was doing.....ask me to have her back so that if she ends up homeless it's me that's done and not him

[Looney]

Sounds horrendous Sorry I have no real advice. The only thing that springs to mind is if she wants to be an adult, let her...full rent, contribute towards the bills etc. Can't see her going for that one though.

 

The other option is the sink or swim one. If she doesn't like your rules she's out on her ear and has to find her own way in life.....but then you really have no say over what she does, who she hangs out with etc.

 

Sending you big hugs. xxx

[Guest]

Oh Fee, that is tough and very stressful for you. In my opinion, you have done exactly the right thing and the fact that she keeps texting you means that it is bothering her. That's a triumph for you as you know there is some hope in the situation. It'd be so much worse if she wasn't bothered.

 

Why should you pay for her phone contract when she is treating you so badly? It's very hard for you, but you can't be walked all over by her. She also needs to be reined in by the sound of it and some discipline needs to be established.

 

Finding space for a calm, adult discussion seems worth planning for. Lay down your terms (it is your house and she lives rent-free in it after all) including keeping her room reasonably tidy, tidying up after herself around the house, letting you know where and when she's going out and with whom. Remind her that these are normal things and you are asking no more than is reasonable for anyone to behave. She cannot really argue with any of that without sounding silly. In return for her agreement, you will continue the phone contract.

 

Then, you need to be prepared to properly listen to her ideas and to look for a way of meeting some of her requests without losing your position as her carer and parent. If you can come to a mutually respectful situation she will feel more grown up and accepted and therefore more likely to behave better.

 

I'd also suggest that someone who lives in a mess like her bedroom and doesn't wear clean clothes, someone who is running riot with her parents and possibly everywhere else, is not happy. She needs to know that you love her and will always be there for her. Maybe you can also suggest doing something together which you can both enjoy? You are the adult, you are in charge and you have to take the lead!

 

My eldest daughter has been quite tricky over the years and I have had to turn things around more than once. It takes a lot of strength but we can do it because we are mothers and our children really are the most special things in our lives, even though we can absolutely loathe them at times!

 

Good luck Fee!

xx

[Looney]

That sounds like wise advice Ginette. You can tell I don't have a teenager at home!

[Alis girls]

i have a 13 yr old boy so cant really help as I am the hormonal mad one at present. I can only ditto the other writer who is clearly more in the know and send you heaps of luck. My 7 yr old causes me more grief as he says he wants to go and live in chidrens home (too much Tracey beaker!) As I pointed out it aint nothing like that but he wont listen Good luck

[Karen & co.]

Fee my heart goes out to you

 

Don't think I can add anything to what Ginette said, show her you love her, but you don't have to like her actions Forget the mess on the bedroom floor, afterall she has to live in it, but explain that the rest of the house is home for everyone and you would like to maintain certain standards.

 

Not sure how to approach the nasty comments in front of her friends, perhaps the threat of showing her up infront of them or an explanation of how it makes you feel, when you know she is better than that

 

Hope you manage to find a way to sort things out with her.

 

I wish children came with a personlised instruction manual

 

Karen x

[Hen Watch]

Oh Fee.... sending you hugs.... I'm not there yet, eldest is 12 but I worry what is to come.

 

I remember with shame that whilst at home I never tidied my room, never washed up, cooked, ironed.... in fact nothing. It wasn't until I left home at 21 to live with my (now) hubbie that it hit me how much I had got away with. At the time I felt my mum was just nagging all the time which made me all the worse.

 

That said, I never gave my parents any cheek. Being spoken to disrespectfully especially in front of her friends must be hard for you. Like I say, I've no experience with my own kids, but I'd like to think that I'd focus on the attitude rather than the mess if you know what I mean. But then that's me giving "armchair" advice and not having to go through it. Do hope you work things out with your daughter Fee.

[feemcg]

Thanks so much everyone, sorry I was at the end of my tether earlier.......I've not heard from her since this afternoon. My friend's told me she's at a party with her daughter. To give her her due, she doesn't drink and always comes home early from parties when others get drunk as she doesn't like it.

It's true about her bedroom....if she wants to live in that let her......it's more the thought there's been no pants to wash for 2 weeks . I wonder what she'd say if she knew I was telling people that

We do talk.......a lot....I've found she responds well to praise, so when something negative happens (a meeting at school about her attendance....she feigns illness every other day), I try and encourage her with something positive she's done (applied online to various colleges).

I do love her so much but it's soooooo hard sometimes.

[Guest]

You could ask her about the pants Fee, but you may not like the answer (perhaps she's not wearing any?) or you may feel she's too old and it's her business.

 

I always think that as our children grow up, they're like dogs on a lead. When they're young and untrained you have to keep them really close. As they become more trustworthy, you let the lead out a bit, but not too much. If that works without mishaps, then you are willing to let it out further and further. If there is a breakdown in behaviour, then the lead will have to be shortened again until your trust is built up again. Eventually of course (when a child leaves home) you remove the lead altogether and hope the child has learnt all he/she needs to know.

 

I'm glad you still talk.

[Ms Marple]

Ah Fee I know what you are going through as my YS is not too disimilar. He is 17 just and hard work in every way. Really good advice from Ginette and Karen.

It is so difficult with your own. My ES, whom you may have spotted in the distance today, was hard work at that age too, but in a different way. YS thinks the world of ES yet ES tells him off for his often poor treatment of me.

I think part of the trouble is that you are probably, like me, 'of a certain age' where the hormones are going ballistic again (just like in our teens) and at the same time we are trying to deal with a hormonal teenager. My DH is much calmer than I am and YS clearly responds better to him. Is there anyone else in the family (or close friends) who could chat to her seeing as your ex 'appears' to have abdicated that responsibility?

 

Also

have you considered that she may be washing the pants herself in the bathroom? She is in control as I guess she knows it bothers you.

 

Have you noticed how all the baby manuals stop at 5years!!

 

[Egluntyne]

To give her her due, she doesn't drink and always comes home early from parties when others get drunk as she doesn't like it.

 

Cling to that.......a really positive and impressive trait. If she has the strength of character to resist that sort of peer group pressure, all is not lost.

 

Better a street angel and a house devil than the other way round.

 

YS 's bedroom is pretty much as you describe. Kim and Aggie would have a field day.

 

Solution.....I rarely enter it. Once, when it got more than I could bear, I black bagged everything and put it nest to the bins. He got the message for a while.

 

Once she is at college, she will appreciate her home and its comforts.

 

The first 21 years are the worst, as my dear old Dad used to say.

[feemcg]

Thanks again everyone......she came home at lunchtime just as I was leaving to go out and put her arms out for a cuddle.....I cuddled her and said we would talk when I got home. She had mail lying on the stair and a wee while later phoned me to say she'd made it on to a short list for a modern apprenticeship in admin with the local council.....I'm delighted for her.....she did submit a very good application and support statement so fingers crossed there's light at the end of the tunnel

[Seagazer]

I'm glad she wanted a cuddle. Can't say much more than everyone else. Keeping the lines of communication open is always the best bet.

 

My ES's room is awful but I don't really go in there much now. If he wants to live in a mess thats up to him. Its great when his girlfriend comes round though as he always clears it up then.

[Cinnamon]

I have 2 teenage girls (16 & 14), & this all rings true with me too.

 

Their rooms can be a shocking mess sometimes, but if they don't tidy them up a bit, they get no pocket money. No pocket money means no shopping trips with their mates, so it works well for us

 

You will probably find that she will grow up a bit & become more responsible once she is at college, or even when she is having her application interviews, as she will want to go, & will realise that she will have to act more responsibly for them to accept her.

 

My biggest worry with my 16 year old is that she is so stressed with her GCSE revision, & the forthcoming exams. Maybe your girl is feeling the same way & is taking her stress out on you???

[Guest]

Try and remember that these messed up teens are just kids.

 

I don't know any of your situation but you said she'd lived with her Dad for 3 years and he'd had enough. So basically at some point she's dealt with her parents splitting up - had to deal with living with one and visiting the other and now the one who has been her main carer has "had enough" and shipped her off to the other parent!

 

It might sound harsh put like that but put yourself in her head - she will make it sound very harsh and with an element of being unwanted/unloved by both of you at various times.

 

I KNOW thats not true and YOU know thats not true but kids see things very differently. As a teacher I often get to hear bits of this - kids who talk about how much they "hate" a parent - usually the one who isn't around so much.

 

The coming home and needing a cuddle says it all - she is a confused child - who thinks she is an adult!

 

As for the phone contract - she will firmly think that is her RIGHT after the way she has been "treated" by you and her Dad.

 

Just treat her with the love and kindness you want to - give a little on the bedroom front but make it clear that the rudeness is too much. Give her constant love and reassurance and remember that she loves you but doesn't fully understand everything that has happend.

[Jules.]

 

Have you noticed how all the baby manuals stop at 5years!!

 

Ah, but they don't!

 

I have a book about teenagers by Rob Parsons, from a charity called " Care for the Family" .

I can thouroughly recommend it, & if you like I can send my copy to you if you PM me your address?

Of course, books can't teach you life, but this one goes a long way into how teenagers tick x

 

Keep loving each other x

[Seagazer]

My YS (11) has just had a strop! He got a pair of converse trainers yesterday and wore them to a party (for which we had to come back early from the caravan for ). They got a little bit dirty - literally just a teeny weeny bit.

 

He wanted them put in the washing machine. I said if he does it too much the glue will come undone. So he's put the laces in instead. Just the laces, thats all, no clothes, just the laces......

 

Kids!

[Looney]

Reading this thread has made me remember a few things from when I was a stroppy teenager!

 

In my mind, I couldn't talk to my parents as they never quite understood and either went over the top or didn't seem to take whatever it was seriously enough. They once grounded me for three months as someone told them I was throwing up outside a disco....I wasn't but they wouldn't believe me. As a result of this (and a few other things) I basically stopped telling them anything and made sure that they knew nothing about my life as I was certain they wouldn't approve of anything I did.

 

Unfortunately this made things even worse as they assumed that I was up to all sorts - far, far, far worse than what I was really up to - and got stricter and stricter with me. I then got more and more secretive and devious and voila a proper vicious circle!

 

My mum once got my brother to try and find out if I was pregnant as I hadn't been using the shared stash of tampons from the airing cupboard! I was so upset when he told me. (I wasn't pregnant by the way, just had plenty in various school bags, overnight bags etc in my room ). Talk about complete communication breakdown

 

 

I guess at least your daughter is actually communicating with you. And fingers crossed this will improve with time. She's done really well to get short-listed for the apprenticeship You're doing a great job by the sounds of it.

[feemcg]

Pengy, you must really get your eyes opened as a secondary school teacher.....my daughter has confided many a story to her teachers, some true and some very 'enhanced'. She has been through a lot with her dad and I splitting up, then losing my mum and dad and my wee ones dad in a short space of time. I don't think I appreciate what must go on in her head ( her educational psychologist got her to write down all the things that she was angry about and top of the list was me (!), followed by 'everyone dying'...... I tried to explain to her that the people that died were my family too but I couldn't behave the way she was behaving or our whole household would fall apart.

 

Anyway......she's put a washing on, kept the place fairly tidy, and has gone to stay at her friend's tonight......

[Guest]

Pengy, you must really get your eyes opened as a secondary school teacher.....my daughter has confided many a story to her teachers, some true and some very 'enhanced'. She has been through a lot with her dad and I splitting up, then losing my mum and dad and my wee ones dad in a short space of time. I don't think I appreciate what must go on in her head ( her educational psychologist got her to write down all the things that she was angry about and top of the list was me (!), followed by 'everyone dying'...... I tried to explain to her that the people that died were my family too but I couldn't behave the way she was behaving or our whole household would fall apart.

 

Anyway......she's put a washing on, kept the place fairly tidy, and has gone to stay at her friend's tonight......

 

Glad she is trying - sound quite positive but expect the ups and downs! I do hear a lot and although I know a lot of it is enhanced - to them it is often real, their feelings certainly are even if the reality is somewhat distorted. The most positive thing about all of this is that she does talk - to teachers to the phsychologist and probably most important of all - her mates, so many of them go through exactly the same thing that they form a support network. One year I had a year 10 class with a boy who was going through it in SPADES, Dad had moved out, Mum had hit the bottle and his elder brother and sister responded by moving out too! As a class we were hearing about his troubles and over half of them had been through marriage break up and had a lot of good advice for him. I'm sure having support from others helps a lot.

[Ms Marple]

Don't worry Fee - as a teacher who listens and has a pastoral role, I know, as do we all, that there are two sides to every story. My irony is that I am good with other people's children but not my own YS!!! Then again I am slowly learning that it does not matter how 'good', 'kind', 'caring' etc you are, at the end of the day they are going to resent you because they can hurt the ones they love and get away with it in most cases. My YS has an older brother who (was never as bad - or so it seemed) has now matured at 20 into a lovely guy that I am so proud of and actually I know YS looks up to him too. It would seem that in our house I am the easiest to hurt as I wear my heart on my sleeve and additionally carry with me some baggage from when YS was really ill at age 8.

 

You have some signs of hope here in your last couple of posts. Take comfort in each small step in the right direction and keep talking to her and on here.