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Omlet Jokes

By FoxFighters, in The Nesting Box

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henriette Chatty Chicken

henriette

Posted
Posted

A man took his St. Bernard to the vet and said to the vet: "my

dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

 

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him."

 

So he picks the dog up and has a good look at it's eyes.

 

"Well" says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

 

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man incredulously.

 

"No," the vet answers, "because he's very heavy." :oops::oops:

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mostin Feathery Fanatic

mostin

Posted
Posted

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

 

Rottweiler: Make me!

 

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

 

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

 

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

 

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.

 

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

 

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

 

Mastiff: Change it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...

 

Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.

 

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

 

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

 

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

 

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

 

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

 

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

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Rhapsody Chicken Addict

Rhapsody

Posted
Posted

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

 

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

 

He thinks hard for a moment and then says, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

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majorbloodnock Chatty Chicken

majorbloodnock

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Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

 

The Priest told her, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

 

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest called on her. He said, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have now been here for 5 years. You may speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

 

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

 

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was once again called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.", he said. "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

 

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine to his office. "As with previous anniversaries, Sister, you may say two words today.", he said. "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

 

The Priest thought for a moment, then nodded sagely. "It's probably for the best", he said, "You've done nothing but moan since you got here."

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majorbloodnock Chatty Chicken

majorbloodnock

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OK, here's one jam packed full of unPC generalisations, so it's difficult to find a joke that, if it offends, will offend quite as many people as this one :wink:

 

 

A worldwide survey was recently conducted by the U.N. It only consisted of one question, that being, "Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

 

The survey was a HUGE failure.

 

In Africa, they did not know what "food" meant.

In Western Europe, they did not know what "shortage" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they did not know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they did not know what "solution" meant.

In South America, they did not know what "honest" meant.

In Asia, they did not know what "please" meant.

And in the USA, they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

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majorbloodnock Chatty Chicken

majorbloodnock

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George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, was recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realised he wasn't depressed at all -- only British.

 

Mr Farthing, a British man whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system.

 

Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving late, England's chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams.

 

"The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors.

 

"They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."

 

Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of "weapons grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad, really".

 

It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.

 

Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't believe his ears. "His story of a childhood growing up in a grey little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football [soccer] team who never won, seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action - namely ECT or shock treatment".

 

"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible mistake'." Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy, giving her an understanding of the British psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases, with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all."

 

Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming', and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an "I love New York" T-shirt.

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Valkyrie Cocka-doodle-loopy

Valkyrie

Posted
Posted
Two parrots on a perch.

 

One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

 

Tadah!

 

Sorry :oops:

:lol::lol::lol: That took such a long time for the penny to drop - then I let out such a mighty guffaw that I have been teased somewhat!

 

And in the USA, they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

 

Except our dear Mark of course! :anxious: Quick hide in Fred's bunker, Major!

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