Auto feeder open and close button on app

[Valkyrie]

[Space Chick]

[

 

What bunker? Its meant to be a secret bunker!

 

You shouldn't have had the roadsign done then Fred

 

[Olly]

that road sign is not far from me, and it always makes me laugh!

[Chucky Mama]

Two parrots on a perch.

 

One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

 

Tadah!

 

Sorry

 

I had to think about that one, I think you could have heard the penny finally drop from some distance away

 

What do you call a man with no shins.......Tony (Toe-Knee).

[Scramble]

And in the USA, they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

 

Except our dear Mark of course! Quick hide in Fred's bunker, Major!

 

What bunker? Its meant to be a secret bunker!

 

Huh.

It is a secret bunker.

And it isn't Fred's...it's mine

[Geoid]

Jessie, its ours

[Scramble]

Fair enough.

[PapaJuliet]

Back on topic.....

 

 

Why do elephants paint their toenails pink?

 

 

So that they can hide in cherry trees.

 

 

 

Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It shows how good their disguise is.

 

PJ

[Angels4]

 

OK, here's one jam packed full of unPC generalisations, so it's difficult to find a joke that, if it offends, will offend quite as many people as this one

 

 

A worldwide survey was recently conducted by the U.N. It only consisted of one question, that being, "Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

 

The survey was a HUGE failure.

 

In Africa, they did not know what "food" meant.

In Western Europe, they did not know what "shortage" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they did not know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they did not know what "solution" meant.

In South America, they did not know what "honest" meant.

In Asia, they did not know what "please" meant.

And in the USA, they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

[Caballero]

My mind works like lightning, One brilliant

Flash and it is gone.

 

 

The only time the world beats a path to

Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

 

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"

"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

 

 

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

[bigmommasally]

Hope this isn't too vulgar for a family forum:

 

My nan bought a new deoderant stick today,

the instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom"

Now she smells lovely when she farts

[Valkyrie]

[chickric]

A rabbit walks into a pub and orders a cheese toastie and a pint of beer. The barman looks a little surprised but the rabbit has put his money on the counter, so the barman serves him. The rabbit eats the toastie, drinks the beer and then leaves.

 

The next night the rabbit comes in again. He asks for a ham and cheese toastie and a beer. He pays up, eats, drinks and leaves.

 

The third night the rabbit arrives again. The same thing happens, but this time the rabbit orders a cheese and mushroom toastie and a beer. He pays as usual, eats up and leaves again.

 

Next night, there is no sign of the rabbit. It gets to closing-time and the barman is clearing up. He gets a creepy feeling, turns around and sees the ghost of the rabbit standing in the doorway. The barman summons his courage and asks, 'Rabbit! How did you die? You seemed so fit and healthy last night!' The rabbit shook his head and sadly said, 'Mixing my toasties.'

[Lewis]

'Mixing my toasties.'

 

I had to say it out loud for it to work!

[Ain't Nobody Here]

These are all brilliant .

 

 

A quick one which I hope hasn't been said already .

 

"What is it with hedgehogs ?

 

 

 

 

Why can't they just share the hedge ?"

[Valkyrie]

OH's favourite - which gets him a clip around the ear:

 

Why did the woman cross the road?

 

Never mind that - why is she out of the kitchen?

 

Hmmph!

[Lewis]

On that note

 

Why do woman have small feet?

So they can get closer to the sink

 

 

*runs and hides*

[Valkyrie]

Ah! That's the other one - couldn't remember it! Right where's Lewis?

Just kidding!

[Geoid]

There was a green man who lived in a green house.

One day the green man decided to take a bath.

He lifted his green foot and stepped into the bath.

Just that second the green man heard the door bell ring.

He leapt out of the the bath and grabbed a towel, wrapped it round his green body and sprinted to the door and pulled open the latch.

Outside stood a lovely green woman. The green man had never seen a green woman before.

He was stunned. He dropped the towel and stared at the green lady.

The green lady was shocked and she ran screaming down the path, jumped over the gate and straight into road.

She got run over by a car.

 

The moral of this story is:

 

Don't cross the road when the green man's flashing.

[Valkyrie]

[Lewis]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."

 

The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

 

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

 

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

 

The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"

 

The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.

 

[Chickvic]

[BarbaraJ]

 

Whose the biggest wimp on the beach

 

the seaweed hubby made it up when kids were small lol

[FoxFighters]

Dear Fred,

 

This is my version that I heard of the green man joke.

 

Once upon a time there lived a green man. He liven in a green house where everything was green. One day the green man was in his green bath when someone knocked on his green door. So he got out of his green bath, put on his green dressing gown, walked down his green stairs and opened the green door. "Ooops, word censored!"ody there. So he closed the green door, went back up the green stairs, took off his green dressing gown and got into his green bath. A few minutes later, there was another knock at the door. So the green man got out of his green bath, put on his green dressing gown, went down his green stairs and opened the green door. Still "Ooops, word censored!"ody there. So he closed the green door, went up the green stairs, took off his green dressing gown and got back in the green bath. And then for the third time, there was a knock at his green door. Sothe green man got out of his green bath, FORGOT to put on his green dressing gown, went down his green stairs and opened the green door. There in the doorway stood a little girl. She took one look at the green man, and was obviously scared of naked people because she screamed, ran into the road and got knocked down by a car.

 

What is the moral of the story? NEVER CROSS WHEN THE GREEN MAN IS FLASHING!!!

 

Holly x

[FoxFighters]

Once there lived a family of potatoes- a mum potato and her 3 kids. All the potato children were girls and were now old enough to leave home. The mother said to the first potato:"Who have you married?" Her daughter answered "A king edward, Mum!" "Good," Said the mum "You can go." Then she said to the second potato: "who have you married?" "A Jersey Royal, Mum!" Replied the second potato, and rolled off. Then it was the last potato's turn. "Who have you married?" "Des Lynam, Mum!" Replied potato 3. The mother looked shocked. "What's wrong, Mum?" Asked her puzzeled daughter. "Darling...He's a commentator!!!!!"

 

Holly x