Wanted Please - Harrogate / York / Leeds area

[AJuff]

Our DD (12yrs) and DS (10yrs) moved to a fabulous private school in September. Before she went DD asked if it didn't work out could she return . . I said yes as I didn't think there would be a problem. However by Christmas she was asking to return to her old school. Too many boys, pressure of work, too much homework, commuting to school etc were cited. DS asked if DD was returning could he?

 

After months of deliberation we arranged a taster day for them both back at the local school. DD decided she definitely wanted to return. DS saw which side his bread was buttered and decided he was staying put.

 

So on Thursday DD left a most amazing school and is returning to her old school (where she cruised through two years). I am so sad as I do not think this is in her best interests. I feel it is a decision she will regret when she moves onto the High School here. DH supports her with this move and thinks she has made the right decision. We are at odds.

 

I felt very upset when her end of term report arrived this morning.

[Chucky Mama]

I have a friend whose daughter won a schlolarship to a very good local private school. She is was a very shy child and the headmaster at our small local state village school thought she would be lost in our local state secondary. However after a couple of terms at the private school she was deeply unhappy. The work was fine but she hated everything else. Peer pressure from the girls - always having to look good, be the 'right' weight etc etc. They like you hated the thought of moving but they did. She has never looked back. She blossomed socially and whilst very bright, was challenged as she moved further up the school and is now thinking of teaching. Something that no one ever would have dreamed that such a 'mouse' as a youngster would have ever been possible. Children learn best when they are happy, I am sure that things will settle. You just have to go with your gut feeling and hope for the best.

[Redwing]

I was in a very similar position as a child

 

I cruised in my local school, was sent to private school and wanted to return to the local one

 

I stayed at my private school which at the time was one of the best in the country

 

Looking back I cant help but feel that I would have done just as well and been happier if I had gone back to the local school, there is a lot to be said for being the brightest in your class and the confidence that comes from this is tremendous (big fish in little pond!) At the private school I was on a par with the others and struggled to stand out

 

Personally I believed I would have got the same results but been all round more confident than I am now if I'd changed back

 

However private school did teach me an awful lot besides academic things, social skills, dealing with important people etc.. all of which has helped me in my career also I got opportunities to visit places I woudlnt have normally and tried sports that I wouldnt have done at my local school BUT I was never very happy

 

I'm rambling now but I hope it helps

 

I'd maybe sit down with your daughter and explain how you have her best interests at heart and how you are keen that she does just as well at her local school so that you both know this decision was a good one

[Chucky1]

Children learn best when they are happy, I am sure that things will settle. You just have to go with your gut feeling and hope for the best.

 

Good points Chucky Mama. Just my 0.02$. I never liked school much, couldn't wait to get out and always coasted through with the minimum of effort on my part. There's a lot to be said for her being happy.

 

Good Luck

[Janty]

To be honest, if my son didn't have aspergers then he wouldn't be going to his private school. He has small classes and gets much more individual attention than he would in the state system.

 

However, there are a large proportion of the children who are stuck up and seem to be beyond reproach. I have to be constantly vigilant about the things that they think are acceptable to do to other people, including my son. There is one particularly evil girl who stole son's lunch the other week (in front of several members of staff!) and ran around the canteen shouting 'do you want your dinner'. She wasn't even spoken to until I made a fuss. I'd move him but he loves the nursing staff and the teachers.

[Willow]

I do feel for you (hugs) but if she is adamant she wants to return to her old school you're in a no win situation and you've done the best you can.

 

Personally I coasted through (state) school, hated it and had a major shock at uni when I realised I had no idea how to learn. I wish I had a better education and have been obsessive about sorting my boys education.

 

I think you're just going to have to keep vigilant that she achieves all she can but ultimately it's her decission, her education and her life. Bright motivated children that are happy in their state school will do well. If she wasn't happy it wasn't the right place for her.

 

You've done the very best you can for your children, it is now up to them...

[missuscluck]

I dont think its ever to late to learn. I mucked about at high school but then went on to do reasonably well in further eduaction because by that time the penny had dropped that I had to work and was doing subjects I actually wanted to do.

 

My son moved school in September after doing 2 years at our local school to one near to where we work as my daughter, who was just starting insisted she go there and not to our local school.

We felt it only fair to ask him if he wanted to stay put or move and after looking round he decided that the new school would be better for him so he moved.

 

It was a really difficult decision but we let him make it. Had he not been doing fine at his exsisting school it would have been a straghtforward decision as there is nothing to loose but he was perfectly fine where he was. It was only really a matter of choice spured on by his sisters desire to go to this school.

 

Anyway...the point I wanted to make is after nearly a school year I honestly feel that my son will not do any better or worse at his new school and think that he will get similar grades. Perhaps not in the same subjects as I think each school has different subject strengths which fire their imagination.

 

His old school was considered to be average and his new school is considered to be excellent, but he is still the same child and still works in the same way.

 

Im sure all will work out for the best

[Olly]

I applaud you for listening to your daughter's wishes. Having a supportive home environment is probably the biggest factor in how well she does.

[sadietoo]

If your daughter was unhappy at the school she was in, she was not ever really going to get the best from the experience...I think you have done the right thing and hopefully she will blossom from now on.....

 

IMO neither education system is worse than the other..both have strengths and weaknesses. Just monitor and be prepared to support educationally and if necessary revert to Private Education if you sense your daughter is failing...but I doubt she will..

 

My state school educated daughter is now doing her degree at Exeter, holding her own against all the kids from Radley, Eton, Shrewsbury, Whickham etc...

 

It will be fine, let your daughter follow her star!!

[Aunty e]

Hmm. It's a tricky one. You can always move her again, my youngest brother left his RUBBISH state school (there are really good ones obvo, but his was just awful) and went to an independent school. I remember him calling me up crying saying he wanted to go home (it was a boarding school) and feeling really bad, but knowing it was the right thing to do, and for him it was. But he did really well starting after his shakey start, and he went at 14. I went to boarding school at 11 and it was the best thing my parents ever did for me. My sister started at 12 and hated it, managed to get expelled within a year. Sometimes different things work better for different kids. I probably wouldn't have let her make the choice though - I wish someone had sat me down and told me that I couldn't apply to the ridiculous uni course I originally went for and then dropped out of two years later, meaning I now have five years worth of student loans rather than three. But I thought I knew best. sigh.

[AJuff]

I think she would have hated me forever if I had made her stay on another term.

[Chucky Mama]

She could have downed tools and rebelled. There is nothing wrong with being the brightest in your class, someone has to be High school should be more of a challenge for her. The social mix for girls does seem to be vital to their happiness. Boys tend to speak the language of sport and computer games and that is enough. Generalising I know but this is why I understand your daughters wish to move and not your sons.

[AJuff]

I do hope that once she returns she'll realise her mistake and we can get her back to the better school. Small chance I know.

[Snowy]

I think they are surprisingly good at knowing what suits them best Scary as it is to us to let them make such major decisions at that age! I can't advise you, just tell you what my boy did! My son decided that he wanted to drop out of school altogether and do his GCSEs from home. I knew he was unhappy and also that he had no motivation at school. so I let him (I was at home with little ones at the time so it was no problem). He ended up not doing any GCSEs, although he'd done the work for them, because the college course he wanted to do didn't require any. He's completed 2 years at college now and is planning on two more (cheaper to do those years at home rather than go to uni this year) before applying to universities in 2012. He is motivated, excels at what he does (musician) and is doing what he loves. But it's been an anxious few years for me

[Chucky Mama]

I do hope that once she returns she'll realise her mistake and we can get her back to the better school. Small chance I know.

 

I think that it is important to embrace and support her decision. If you allowed her to make that choice then you need to show her that you trust her choice and have faith in her. The better school may not be the best school her her individual needs. I don't know that I would allow her to move again if I was in your position. I would however sit her down and explain your reservations about the new school and tell her to work hard, choose good friends and to prove you wrong. She may well come up trumps

[Willow]

I think that it is important to embrace and support her decision. If you allowed her to make that choice then you need to show her that you trust her choice and have faith in her. The better school may not be the best school her her individual needs. I don't know that I would allow her to move again if I was in your position. I would however sit her down and explain your reservations about the new school and tell her to work hard, choose good friends and to prove you wrong. She may well come up trumps

 

Very wise words Rachel.

 

I do think it's an important life lesson that you have to live with your decisions (within reason) and make it work

[sadietoo]

Just want to echo here again what Rachel has said...Ajuff, obviously you had your heart set on her going to what you consider to be the "better" school...but if it isn't better for her then it seems to me it's not the "right" school....

 

Also... my kids are now 20 and 17, and I hear colleagues at work agonising over the work their primary school children are doing...I'm pleased it's all behind me now, I was there and agonised too, but I have come to realise that actually and please don't all shout at me together...it's really not very important to get it absolutely right at this stage.. Ok I'm going to run away and hide now

[Hen Watch]

I applaude you for having the courage to back your child's decision - which I'm sure will make her happy to go to school (which is an important factor) and happy that you listened to her views.

 

Yes, children don't always know what's best for them, but this isn't a case of eating her greens, this is years of learning in an environment that at this point in time she feels best within.

 

And, if she changes her mind in the future, that's fine.

 

When I was 13 we moved but my parents kept me at my current school but moved my sister to the local one. I left 25 years ago and I still remember enduring 1 hour bus trips each way, in all weather carrying every book, tennis racket and cooking tin I owned. No friends lived nearby. I disliked it and never really put my heart into it. I should have changed schools and really put my views across to my parents, but I didn't and still wish I had.

 

I wish her well in whatever path her future learning takes her.